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non molestation/occupation order

  • distraught
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27 Mar 08 #17805 by distraught
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Hi.
I am in the early stages of a divorce, my wife having commited adultery. Last wednesday she had me arrested accused of violence. these allegations were completely fals and i was released without any charges and not even a caution. the police even expressed sympaphy for my plight.
yesterday I was served with papers for a non molestation/occupation order. I am going frantic here. I have to attend court tomorrow though i am completely innocent. would appreciate any advice. I still love my wife very much we'd been together for 16 years. that said, i don't want her back since i could never trust her again

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27 Mar 08 #17809 by alexanda
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Distraught

Dont get worked up. Your wife will have to convince a court that you have been abusive/violent and that you present a real threat to her. If you havent made threats, been violent etc then you have nothing to worry about. Your wife must have some hard evidence which by the sound of it as the police took no action, she does not have.

She may try the ine of feeling threatened by your prescence/manner/attitude/language.

If that is the case then you can make an undertaking to the court that you will not use language/agressive bodily behaviour/expressions etc.

By the sound of it you are still living in the same house ? Aare there children there ?

Its not uncommon. Even though we had planned to separate, before that happened, my wife did actually assault me in front of the children. Like a fool when the police came I did not press charges.

She now tries to prevent me from access to the house but I have called her bluff and told her to get an order preventing me access which of course she cant do so I go round when I feel like it. I just tell her beforehand.

If she fails in her order and does the old change the locks trick, you have every right to call the locksmith and get the locks drilled out and changed. Just hand her a new set of keys so she cant say you have locked her out.

If she goes for you physically, use reasonable force to protect yourself and then only if you have to. Dont try and let your current emotions and feelings get in the way. You dont want her back. Get a witness/neighbour and call the police and press charges. You then have the unreasonable behaviour as well as the adultery.

Its messy but try to stay calm.

Do you have a solicitor to represent you tomorrow ?

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27 Mar 08 #17824 by distraught
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Hi. thanks for this. No we are not currently in the same home. my wife left after her false accusations and apart from returning briefly to collect some belongings, has not been here since. she is apparently staying in a womans refuge. i had suspected she may try this tactic and had called the police on the 20/03/08 to register my concerns.
We do not have any children by this relationship, though both have kids now grown up from previous relationships.
I saw my wife in town today. I can't begin to describe the hurt and anguish i am feeling. I can maybe handle the proceedings tomorreow, but sitting in the same room is going to destroy me.
I do have a solicitor, who is bleeding me dry. i'm not at all assured by their predictions which seem to fly in the face of the advice i was given by the National Centre For Domestic Violence.
My solicitors are suggesting me may have to live under the same roof. This terrifies me. I am worried she will attempt to make further false allegations :(:(

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27 Mar 08 #17826 by alexanda
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Dist

Do you think your wife is going to try and get an order excluding you from the house ? It may be that she will want to come back to the house but she has left on the (false) grounds that you were violent and abusive.

You seem to have done the right thing by going to the police and getting a record made.

It sounds like its you that feeling threatened rather than her and if thats the case then say so to the court.

As for sols bills well thats just the start my friend. Be prepared for much worse.

Chin Up

Alex

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27 Mar 08 #17842 by IKNOWNOW
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Hi,

Just want to make comment really.

I was granted an exparte non-mol & occupancy order which was very detailed but on going to full hearing the judge didn't hear any evidence just asked my x2b to give an undertaking to the court that he wouldn't abuse me.

I had numerous calls to the police, copies of texts messages and a huge amount of solicitors letters asking him to stop abusing me, & was also not granted funding initially to even get the order. It took me nearly 6 months to get it to court and was initially taken extremely seriously.

When it was handed back to a smaller court to deal with, he gave the undertaking and that was that. He still continues to abuse me and the only thing I can do is take him back to court and get him committed or fined or both.

Realistically that isn't going to happen, he will just get another slapped wrist and told to leave me alone.

I know it isn't good but you are likely to be asked to give an undertaking, therefore admitting nothing.

Have you filed a statement with the court in your defence?

As for the occupancy order, well, I really would question whether she is in fact living in a womens refuge if you have done nothing to her. Places in womens refuges are not that easy to find and also you have no dependant children. If she is supposedly under threat of violence the council may be obliged to house her in the short term.

Also if she committed adultery, what happened to him, could she in fact be living with him?

I would be interested to see how your case pans out, because I feel I was done an injustice, but I know sometimes it can work the other way.

I am trying to protect 5 small children too. Because of my x2b's job it seems he is the pillar of the community. Suffering from Domestic Abuse in Lowestoft or Norwich seems acceptable to the judges.

Sorry I rant!

Really hope you get a just result.

One thing I would say though is just question your behaviour. My x2b to date still does not acknowledge that he abused me, and my 1 & 3 yo daughters. Don't think for one minute you fit into this category but just know sometimes things can be misconstrude.

I have been given conflicting advice from solicitors and Domestic Abuse helplines. Seems what should happen and what does happen are not always the same thing. I was told that in my case to try and get x2b to have supervised contact that the judge needed to assess the Domestic Abuse before even hearing the contact case. This by no means happened and I lost the case for supervised contact. Hence contact has resumed, as has the abuse. But hey, who am I, just the person that has to deal with the abuse?

Well good luck & keep us informed as to the result. I know it is hard but best just to give the undertakings if that is the way it seems to be going. I hope you get a voice but I very much doubt it.

Regards, Sarah

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27 Mar 08 #17844 by distraught
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hey. thanks for the responses. iwish i'd found this site a few weeks back when everything started to become unbearable.
alex, my wife is trying to get me excluded from our home despite the fact that all evidence is against her. She asked me to arrange to buy her out but has now back tracked from this.
sarah, i'm so sorry to hear what you too are going through. Before all this started, I had the stereotyped image of it always being the man who is the abuser and the woman being the one to suffer. I promise everyone reading this that I have never hit or abused my wife in any way. I'd rather cut my own hand off. back in 1999 my wife had a breakdown caused by a combination of alcohol and her medication (she is an epileptic). During this time I was assaulted, threatened with knives and generally put through a living hell. Subsequently, she stopped drinking and returned to being the most beautiful, fun partner.
since she started her affair, she has started drinking and taking recreational drugs. Her whole personality has changed. I honestly do not know my wife anymore

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28 Mar 08 #17856 by IKNOWNOW
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Once again alcohol rears its ugly head. If my x2b had stopped drinking for more than 1 day we may have been able to have had a proper marriage. I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic but he certainly had a bad relationship with the demon drink. He too was on medication which would have been effected to some extent by alcohol but in the end only they can recognise they have a problem, sadly he didn't and I had to leave.

Sorry, tell me to shut up.

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