I was where you are now, 8 months ago. I eventually made the decision to ask my husband of 11 years to leave the FMH and our 5 children of 1, 3, 5, 9 & 11 yo.
5 years previously he had ran up a gambling debt of over £10K. When I found out I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child. When my baby was only a few months old I asked for a divorce, but was persuaded to give the marriage another go. Foolishly this is exactly what I did.
We moved 200 miles away and I thought things were ok. You muddle along and we then had our youngest 2 daughters.
My husband's drinking and general abuse and lack of respect for me and the children came to a head in July of last year. After putting my children at potential harm due to his drinking I finally found the strength to ask him to leave.
3 days later he moved in with a woman, who he swears he wasn't having a relationship with, but whom he now lives with as a long term partner.
I won't lie to you, the last 8 months have been extremely hard both emotionally and financially but I do know the decision to ask him to leave was the right one for both me and my 5 children.
8 months on I have found a new man who treats me like an equal and who genuinely cares about my feelings. He makes me feel like my husband never did.
You can & will get through this, and you will be a stronger person at the end of it.
Take comfort, support & advice from this site and the days won't seem so bad. We don't care if you have a bad day and just want to cry, we have all been there at times.
I'm new here too - my husband ended our 20 year marriage without a word of warning almost two years ago, although he stayed for four months before moving out.
Those four months were Hell on Earth. While I begged and pleaded (a mistake) to understand and to try and get some help together he would only say 'I can't'. Mentally and emotionally, he'd already left me. After four months of him avoiding even being in the same room as me, let alone speak to or look at me, I told him to go if he was going. He did and I felt like the world was ending.
It sounds as though your husband deserted you mentally and emotionally some years ago and you have lived with and made the best of things for an awfully long time - well done you, you will never have to look back and say you didn't try.
I promise you it gets better, what you're feeling now is like a bereavement. Indeed, you are grieving the loss of love and life as you knew it, plus the future looks damn scary when you have no idea what it contains. It's tempting to try and hang on to the devil you know but both of you have to be committed to working on the marriage. If you can do it, go for it; if not, know that you won't feel like this forever.
I joined a website called Desertion Survivors six weeks into this whole experience and can recommend it, I found the support of others new to separation invaluable. Now I'm here because it's time to finish what was started and move towards divorce. I didn't think I'd ever have the strength but if you take your time, be gentle with yourself and look forward not back ('back' wasn't working, after all), you'll cope Lost Soul, I promise. Good luck.