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God where do I begin?

  • nell1973
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29 Mar 08 #17975 by nell1973
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Something terrible happened this week. I found out my husband had been abusing my daughter. Police have been involved and he had to leave the home. I stick by my daughter.

I am so miserable and lost. We have a mortgage of which if my husband is convicted could lose his job not manage to get another so well paid if any job at all.

He has a bit of debt which if none of the above had happened or come to light, we would have happily carried on paying, but if he loses his job there is no way he could pay them or the mortgage. I want to protect firstly my children, secondly their home as if he ends up bankrupt, or whatever, I dont' want to lose the home or equity to get another cheaper property.

Sorry to waffle but new on here and very very distressed.

  • sexysadie
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29 Mar 08 #18009 by sexysadie
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Nell, this is very very hard for you and you will need a lot of support. You are quite right to stick by your daughter.

The most important thing is for you to get support for her and for yourself. Presumably Social Services have been invovled, or will get involved, as well as the police. You should get them to give you an urgent referral to the Family Support Services, which are the NHS-run support aned psychiatric services for children and families. They can arrange individual and family therapy, and have support groups for abused children.

For the moment, try not to worry about the finances. Your husband's not lost his job yet. If he does, you should talk to the mortgage company and see if you can get a mortgage holiday while you sort yourself out. If your husband has been convicted of child abuse it would be reasonable to expect them to be sympathetic in the short term.

Please feel free to send me a personal message if you want to talk further and in confidence. I know that things are very hard for you just now and will give you as much support as I can. At the moment you are probably very much in shock, but things will get better given time.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • megan
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29 Mar 08 #18017 by megan
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So sorry to hear the awful situation you are in.
Try not to run too far ahead. If money isn't a problem at the moment then just concern yourself with supporting your daughter and getting help for yourself.
Stay strong and look after yourself

  • nell1973
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30 Mar 08 #18026 by nell1973
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Things are very difficult. My daughter seems to be bearing up and is concerned for me. The husband that I knew was not the dad that did this, if that makes any sense. I seem to have lost my brick and that's the hard part.

I can't face it when I wake up, family who know are very shocked and concerned for myself and my children.

Can't seem to help thinking financially. If I let things go and not plan ahead, i.e him taking over the couple of loans, and me gaining ownership of the house, things could come to a head fairly quickly when investigations are complete and I'd be stuffed.

sorry to go on. Just hoping he'll keep his job even if he is convicted although somehow that might not happen.

Nell

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30 Mar 08 #18033 by megan
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He will keep his job till it goes through court which may take some time. Sometimes it doesn't go to court for a number of reasons but will just go down the child protection route. It then depends what his job is.
Although most of us here are not in your position we are in the position of realising we didn't know the person we were married to. We have also lost the person we thought was our rock.
I think that is why we find the support on this site so great, we are all hurting somehow and understand the pain.
Keep strong and look after yourself.

  • nell1973
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30 Mar 08 #18039 by nell1973
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Thanks Megan, I'm just realising what this site actually is so bear with me. Didn't realise initially that it is here for support as well as advice.

You will probably see me on here a lot in the future!!!

You're right, he wasn't the man that I thought I was married to. I'm still in contact with him but things are difficult because we can't discuss the matter of abuse. But as you can imagine there are other things that need sorting.

The matter of my daughter (and 2 other boys) is going down the child protection route. So I'm having to deal with this as well. Never have they been registered with Social Services. I work for that very department within Social Services so things are really really difficult and I can't face work at the moment for that reason. I know that the people that I work with will be very supportive, but not sure how much to tell.

Having a really bad day today (day 6 since it all emerged).

  • topaz
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30 Mar 08 #18063 by topaz
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sorry about the awful situation you are in.I'm sure you don't know what to do or what to think from one minute to the next.For every bad day there will be better ones but at the moment you won't see that as you are so engulfed with the shock and horror that has hit your family.
It's good that you have found this site.Use it to express your worries and concerns, regardless of the time ,whether day or night, someone will be here if only to say hello, were here too because we can't sleep and will support you when you're having a bad hour or a bad day as we too have been supported by others in our bleakest hours and darkest days.
It's always difficult to support and care for others when you are overwhelmed yourself so take care ...to care for yourself also.

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