As if reaching the end of a 13 year marraige isn't difficult enough now my husbands seems to just want to lash out as much as he can. I wanted this so it could be as easy on the kids as possible, I wanted it so we could work it out so he could find a nice home near by where this kids could go and stay whenever they wanted but now he's trying to make me sign some form thing that he's got of the internet to sign over my 2 sons to him and I keep my daughter so (in his words0 it's fair so we both get help off the state. He also wants the house sold so he can have his share..which is fair enough but I was hoping we could reach other understanding but he's hell bent that I'm going to turn out to be one of those women that take him for all he's got. Although we've been through a lot and out 'relationship' has ended I do still love him, he was my best friend for 13years and will always be the father of my children regardless to thr fact that we have 'moved' on in a personal way
It's killing me as it is breaking the family up but now seperating the kids, I just can't do it and hate the way my o/h has gone so cold. He seems to know the legal ins and outs and all the money side, apart from looking on the net it really sounds like he's getting bad advice elsewhere. I just don;t know why he wants to make a bad situation worse. I'm trying so hard to make life as normal as possible for the kids but it's like he keeps wanting to knock me down. He has also moved out now which has released some of the pressure. I can't bear the thought of my kids going through a custody battle nor will I just hand them over along with the CD's
I can imagine how you are feeling. How recently did you reach the decision to divorce? Was it a mutual decision or did you take the initiative?
I think back to my own feelings at that time. My wife decided that we were going to divorce. Fait Accomplis. I was very resentful of the fact at the time and was determined that she would not have it all her own way after just railroading the end of our 15 year marriage.
I saw a future of sad dad, bedsit and McDonalds on Saturday. I wasn't prepared to accept that. The reality didn't have to be like that, but that was what was in my mind.
I was toying with the idea of giving up work to care full time for our 3 children, to see whether I could realistically do it.
Went through a lot of emotions over a period of several months. No matter what my wife tried to say, I looked for the worst in her motives and actions. I researched the legal position, I researched the financial position and spent several months playing catch up with her. She told me she had been thinking about it for 18 months.
I was frightened, upset, angry, bitter and felt thoroughly cheated.
However, over time I began to think beyond the red mist and to a more mutually acceptable position. The interests of the children are the overriding factor in all of this.
I suspect your husband is in the red mist phase. Anything you say or do will be wrong. His strategy of splitting the family for financial puposes is frankly ludicrous when it comes down to it.
Do the children know what is happening yet? I am sure that they would not agree with his ideas. The 12 yo's views would be taken into account by a court, and probably the 10yo.
Could I suggest that you try mediation? That way he will hear from a third party that his ideas are not really in the best interests of the family.
Perhaps you could propose a shared care arrangement where you both have significant time with the children, around work and other committments. He is being completely unrealistic. But why? Is it that it is early on, and he hasn't really thought it all through, or is it just that he is like that? He sounds like a caring Dad, but needs to think it all through properly. And perhaps needs some help to do that. You are not the person to give it at the moment - you are the devil incarnate for the time being, it would seem. (Though I am sure you are not at all). Relate also offer help with ending a marriage. Maybe you could get him to go?
Hope some of my ramblings help you to see a male perspective and a way forward. I think in time he will wake up. But keep posting.
Thanks Mike...he sounds exactly like he's at the red mist stage
This kicked off a few weeks ago after months of tit for tat and me still hurting over a past betrayal, I so much wanted to make us better that I just froze in our last argument & decided that enough is enough and unless we seek somthing like relate we need to call it a day..& he's just tottally gone for it,no chance of seeking any help,he just wants out s when we told the kids they broke down, they're so upset. He's coming back here to collect some of his stuff and I just feel sick...this is just such a horrid place to be
How about you write him a letter. No emotions, no tit for tat, no sniping. Just simply that you would like him to think about what is best for the children and for him and you as individuals, and how it might best work going forwards. Explain that you have no plan, that you are open to suggestions but that you believe that both of you need some professional help to make the right decisions. Because whatever else, he is and always will be the children's father and you are and always will be their mother. And you will both need to be your children's parents, abeit seperately, for a very long time to come.
He is hurting as much as you are, but his pride and guilt are getting in the way of his seeing clearly.