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aggressive.threatening behaviour

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05 Apr 08 #18733 by topaz
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in MH with x,noeone else here,he upped the aggressive threatening behaviour last night.came into my declared ,(which x agreed to months ago)legally defined "safe zone" three times.very scared, I'm trying to appear unconcerned and in control but his actions are really scaring me.he is stopping just on the line of full on aggression.making very stupid and unreasonable demands. my sol has said to try and ignore it but I'm very scared last night and today,x is very narcissistic in his behaviour.cant leave either.could someone just respond as feel very vulnerable!!

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05 Apr 08 #18737 by sexysadie
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Topaz, you need to talk to the Police Domestic Violence Unit about this. If your ex is being threatening and aggressive, even if he hasn't physically attacked you, they need to know. That way the threats are logged and they will take it seriously if you call them in an emergency. If your safe zone is legally defined, is there a penalty attached to his entering it? Do you have a non-molestation order against him? If you don't, maybe you should consider it seriously.

I know that this sort of behaviour can be very frightening. You need to take steps to ensure that it stops, and be clear with yourself that next time you will call the police. You shouldn't be frightened in your own home. Your solicitor should not be telling you to try and ignore it if your ex is making you feel afraid.

Make a clear note of everything that happens as soon as you can afterwards so you have a clear record of it. If you have a friend or relative you can trust it might be a good idea to write them an email outlining what has happened each time so that it is there as evidence.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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05 Apr 08 #18753 by topaz
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thanks SexySadie,
no I dont have a non mol order, it was an agreement set out by my sol to his sol and x agreed to it.certain areas of the house classed as safe zones he cannot enter i.e my room. where x cant enter.I was told to contact police but did that once and they said couldnt act as x had not physically harmed me.the penalty in the agreement was that he could be forced to leave the property and possibly arrested.
sol said hard to get a court order as not physical abuse.I have e mailed details to someone so that someone else is aware of situation in case something physical does happen.x is aware if he touches me then I can get him out so he stops short of doing that, but he is very much in my face if you know what I mean..if he fully loses his temper,he has a rage and cant control himself. he will strike out,as it happened many many years ago and he did hit me several times during an incident early on in our marriage.my sol is aware of that incident as well.
During the marriage I always backed off so that he never fully lost control of his temper with me or the kids, thats how he controlled the marriage and me.the threat was/is real and always present.x has backed himself into a corner re sorting out the financial side and he is is like a caged tiger, trying all ways to get out of it in a way that suits him.I will speak again to my sol on Monday.I stayed in my safe zone all day but it's like being a prisoner.A big thank you sexysadie.

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05 Apr 08 #18754 by sexysadie
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Hello again Topaz,

I know exactly what you mean about him being 'in your face' without actually hitting you. It is very frightening and feels extremely threatening, and I'm sure it can escalate, though most violent men are more in control than they would like you to think (that is why they are so powerful in relationships; they can manipulate the level of threat).

I think it would be worth speaking to the police again as this is clearly threatening behaviour and I thought people could be arrested for that (I think jelly4toes once said she was a criminal lawyer so she might know, or maybe one of the policepeople on here will be able to advise). I can't quite see how otherwise he is going to be forced to leave the property without a non-molestation order. Maybe next time he does this dial 999 and say your husband, who has a history of violence, is behaving in a threatening way and you are scared and can't leave the house.

Where are your children? Are you managing to keep them with you and safe?

Good luck!

Sadie

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06 Apr 08 #18813 by topaz
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I liked the last part of your answer because my kids are now adults themselves,I'm a retired "oldie",wont see 50 again except in my dreams, they have their own lives to lead and I cant drag them into this mess otherwise blood will get spilt and dont want my son involved in any confrontation with my x.The kids are aware but I try not to show how scared I am when it kicks off here.they usually get to know after the event so they are not dragged into it.As I have done for many many years I'm trying not to involve them in order to keep them safe.It's just the way I am,have always protected the kids from him.Kept within my safe areas all day today so avoided any contact or confrontation. thank you for your concern, it's so good to be able to speak freely to someone at times like this.even writing it down somehow lessens the burden of being fearful.

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06 Apr 08 #18816 by sexysadie
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You have done amazingly well to keep your children out of it until they are grown up. I can see why you don't want your son involved in confronting your ex.

It must be very hard having to keep to your safe areas all day. I do hope you manage to get him out soon.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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08 Apr 08 #18975 by topaz
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hi sexysadie,
spoke to sol today.to go for non mol order I need approx 3000 pounds to cover the fees,which I dont have.also told would be his word against mine even though a much more recent event of full on aggression(actually thought he was going to hit me and so did the other person)has since happened.So have to settle with another warning letter.it's a joke!looks like it'll go to court as x's idea of a settlement is ludicrous.told to lock my door at night and keep my personl alarm close by.no help at all really, oh and to call police if he does hit me.what do you think ?
I feel like a victim waiting to happen!

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