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When is time to just give up trying to be fair ...

  • Not here now
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12 Apr 08 #19361 by Not here now
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I'm getting to the point where I see little or no reason to keep being as fair as I am being.

Is it time just to hand over control to the system and take what ever comes out of the other end?

When did you guys know you had had enough of trying to work things out, was it like a light coming on or did it just get there.

I feel that I'm treading on eggshells to work things out with out the system, then she throws me a curve ball by being nice, ahhhh

My heart of heart want it to be as good a break as possible but I think deep down it will end in the system and from links on here I think that would be worse for the kids, maybe I reading too much in to it, am I?

Any views always welcome.

Thanks
Gareth

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12 Apr 08 #19365 by mike62
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Gareth,
I have commented before that I felt that you were being extremely generous with your offer.

Sadly, you do not know who has been feeding what kind of nonsense to your wife. Perhaps she see herself as Heather Mills McCartney.

Maybe you should make her a revised offer based upon what you COULD legitimately get away with. Which would be considerably less than is on the table now. Attach a time limit to it. If offer A is not accepted within 7 days, it will revert to offer B.

Her solicitor will be bigging her up in an effort to get more billable time, regardless of realistic outcome.

You have been scrupulously fair and extremely generous. An uncommon sight here, sadly.

She needs a first class ticket on the reality express Gareth. You are being too nice. Your kids need not suffer longer term. Her greed is getting in the way of moving things forward.

Sorry if I appear a bit harsh, but I am right on your side and don't want to see you both waste a shedload of money going through the 'system', for you to be proved right and her wrong. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Best of luck Gareth

Mike

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13 Apr 08 #19381 by Fiona
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Never give up trying to be fair but don't be afraid of asserting yourself. Court is best avoided if at all possible, particularly when it comes to child related matters. However, sometimes putting in a court application provides the focus to move things along. Remember agreement can be reached at any time during the process.

Having said that my ex wouldn't budge from the position that he wanted all the matrimonial assets and I sat it out for almost 4 years before he budged an inch. Eventually he accepted the proposal that had been on the table at the start!

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13 Apr 08 #19404 by Not here now
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Hi Fiona / Mike, once again thanks for your word. I will be strong, fair and not let it effect me and the kids.

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13 Apr 08 #19448 by Not here now
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Fiona, how did you manage 4 years? If I could go tomorrow I would?

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14 Apr 08 #19453 by Jerseylass
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HI Gareth,
I have been on this site a while now and find its the best. Everyone on here is fantastic and their advice is so worth while. Must say a special thank you to Fiona who helped me out when it came to scottish knowledge lol. Anyhow hun, i gave up playing fair and being nice a while ago. My hubby wanted out last April, but kept me 'hanging on' for months cause he couldn't quite decide want he really wanted !!! So i made the decision to 'make the decision' for him and told him i wanted out. If i knew then what i know now, i would have done it ages ago. I now have my own wee cottage (rented) shared with my daughter and although money is extremely tight i get by somehow. But i have my own life back and its lovely. Even have a new man in it lol. Last Monday i went to see a solictor and got the ball rolling and even got legal aid !! Only have to pay a wee contribution towards the divorce. I then phoned my hubby and told him i wanted closure and the divorce papers woud be winging their way to him. We met up and discussed a few things but all in all it was amicble enough. I dont see any point in waiting. Our house has eventually sold and the contracts signed, thank god and i have played fair through out. Even agreeing to split any proceeds form the house in half. However, i know there are some outstanding debts and unfortunately for my hubby they are all in his name. As soon as the divorce is granted he has no comeback on me for anything, so i will be very nice and play very fair, cause at the moment that suits me, but once those papers are signed he wont know whats hit him !!! . I would say play nice, play fair, but only if its to your advantage Gareth. Have a look at my blog, it may help. good luck hun x

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14 Apr 08 #19467 by Fiona
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Fiona, how did you manage 4 years? If I could go tomorrow I would?


Yes, even my patience was tried to the limit but what I meant was it took almost 4 years before my ex changed his position regarding the finances. This happened because of concerns about CGT liability and pressure from his first new girlfriend. He had moved out after 7 months rather than me moving with the children and we each paid for our own accommodation and bills. Not everyone is in the position to do that.

In Scotland it isn't at all uncommon for things to drag on because there is a strong burden of proof to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour or adultery and as a consequence 88% of divorces are on the grounds of separation. When we divorced the law was two years separation with consent or 5 years without but these were reduced in 2006. The procedure is lengthy when there are disagreements about children or finances but this seems to bring about more out of court settlements.

The advantage for us was things remained relatively civil and we still pop into each others homes a couple of times a year and both share Christmases, children's birthdays etc without our adult children having to tread around as if on eggshells. It's not been easy though and like most divorced couples there have been issues about contact and finances along the way.

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