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So many issues, too many lies

  • Jouster
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28 Apr 08 #20983 by Jouster
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Sorry for this long post but that are so many issues here that I need to rant about. I have written this story twice before but not posted it because of the sensitive nature of some of the things in it. I’m now at the stage where I loathe and despise my x2b with a vengeance. I can’t stand to be anywhere near her or even talk to her.

My x2b and I separated in 2003 although we continued to live in the matrimonial home till late 2004. During this period my children (2 boys, now aged 17) made it clear they wanted to live with me. When x2b found out she became increasingly hostile and threatening towards them and used every underhand method possible to make them change their minds, e.g. telling them if they chose to stay with me she would stop loving them; threatened to commit suicide and it would be their fault. Not surprisingly and under this duress, they would often tell her that they would stay with her, only to change their minds later on. I had initially planned on moving out of the home however I decided that I couldn't do this and leave my kids to the mercy of her manipulation. I stayed and tried my best to reassure them that she didn't mean the things she said and that things would work out in the end.
In late 2004 I received a summons to attend court to defend myself against accusations of physical and mental abuse against my x2b (none of this is true)- this was the basis of her claim for custody of the children. The court appointed a solicitor to represent the children and she was instructed to interview them and report back to the court. The solicitor interviewed the boys and also interviewed me regarding the allegations of abuse against my wife. Just prior to the next court hearing the court solicitor advised me that my x2b had now accused me of sexually molesting my children and having done so throughout their lives right up to the current time. As a result of these accusations my sons and I had to go through numerous grillings from Social work, the police and the court solicitor. All reports from each of these organisations stated categorically that there was no foundation for these accusations and in fact the solicitors report to the court was extremely critical and scathing towards my x2b. She was not able to provide any evidence of her claims nor could she explain why, if her accusations were true, she did or said nothing for the first 13 years of my son’s lives.
Thankfully, the court granted custody of the boys to me and x2b was forced to leave the marital home. This was just over 3 years ago however she has continually repeated these horrible accusations to everyone who will listen to her. Again thankfully, family, friends and my neighbours have all stood by me and no longer have anything to do with x2b. My concern however is who else is she telling these things to and am I going to get treated with suspicion by people I don’t even know. She and one of my sons attend the same church and he recently told me she had been asked not to return as she was causing trouble for some people who questioned her version of events.
After numerous occurrences of my sons coming back in a state of extreme distress after visiting her, they have now decided they no longer wish to see her. They are disgusted with the filth she comes away with and her constant haranguing of them to “admit” that I abused them. I have had to call the police on a couple of occasions when she came to the house and created a scene and further distressed my sons. My sons are sitting their Highers at school soon and they are finding it very difficult to concentrate on their studies and to be honest I don’t have the heart to try and push them.
I am still trying to get to the stage where I can get the divorce finalised (Scots Law) however x2b is delaying this as long as possible. I have made her a financial settlement offer of 60% of the net assets in the hope that she will accept and just get out of our lives. However from what my solicitor has been telling me it is unlikely she will accept this as she is fixated on forcing me to sell the marital home – she probably thinks if I have to do this then the children will go and live with her!

What can I do about this woman? She is making my sons’ lives and my life a misery.

  • kidsinbulgaria
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28 Apr 08 #20992 by kidsinbulgaria
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Jouster,

I can feel a dream coming on.........If I was you I would mount your noble white steed, crested shield in left hand, joust in right hand, kick your spurred metallic boots into your steeds girth, and gallop towards your xtb.

Imagine there is a bullseye where her heart should be and wallop. If she is squirming on the ground after surviving the first impact then dismount and unsheath your trusty weighty sword. Look her in the eyes as you finish her off for good.......

Anyway back to reality...you may never to be able to stop her airing her blatantly incorrect version of events and lies to all insundry but you come across as a decent guy with good family values and your head is screwed on. Anyone who knows you will know that what she is like and side with you everytime.

Any strangers who judge you on her version of events only are maybe not worthy of you knowing and giving the time of day to anyway.

You can walk around with your head held high over the way you have dealt with all this adversity whilst she is hopefully walking around with her head bowed in shame.

Have you had a solicitor write a letter to her, asking her to stop these slanderous rumours ?

After all, the pen is mightier than the sword......

  • Sera
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28 Apr 08 #21007 by Sera
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You cannot acuse your resident wife of harrassment. However, since she no longer lives at the house, you could go for a Non-molestation type Order. Which could include her not being allowed within a certain range of the house etc. Extreme measures, but maybe worth the effort for your sanity.

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28 Apr 08 #21013 by Jouster
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Thanks kidsinbulgaria. Yes, my solicitor has written to her via her solicitor. The court also asked her to stop the accusations for the sake of her children. She has ignored every appeal and I have always been reluctant to go down the legal route because I felt is would cause further stress for my sons.

Thanks Sera. As above I have considered asking for a non-molestation order but again, I am certain she would not comply with this. In this case she could end up getting arrested and this would cause my sons further distress. That's not something I wanted to be responsible for.

One further complication is that she is being treated for mental health issues (manic depression) and, although I have no proof of this, I believe she also suffers from schizophrenia. Everything she does indicates the symptoms of this. Part of me therefore believes she is not fully responsible for saying the things she says; if I couldn't believe this then the alternative is to think she is just evil. Even though she has mental health issues, I still can't forgive her for what she has put my sons and I through, but I don't want to add to her problems by getting her arrested.

  • rasher
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28 Apr 08 #21016 by rasher
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Hi Jouster

I was just about to say I think she has mental health problems when your response clicked in. Shes very unwell and as a result nothing you do will change her behaviour because she probably believes her own lies and her paranoia will not allow anyone to enter her world. For the sake of your kids dont protect them from this information, let them know she is ill go back to the advice services and see if there are any support groups for families.

Your only hope is if there is someone a friend or a family member who she will listen to and who is open to supporting you - you need to try and get them to act as an intermediary. She isnt after money so in many ways you giving her the money wont get rid of her and it sounds like you and the boys need it more. You must be quire near the end of the divorce, you have done incredibly well to last this long your boys are very lucky to have you in their corner. The prognosis for her is not good - once the divorce is finalised she is going to spiral even further down with mental health issues like these the person needs to have an enemy to focus on to direct all their disturbance to, without that they do eventually have a breakdown. Just keep strong it will end and you will need to be able to support your boys through it. I would imagine by now shes so irrational in her behaviour anyone who listens to her for any great length of time will realise she isnt well and that the things she is saying is highly unlikely to be true. Its horrendous for you and the boys I know but I am sure this one will play through to a conclusion. I hope you keep coming back for support because thats what you and your boys need to get through. If I find any groups in Scotland I will let you know. Best Wishes Rasher

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28 Apr 08 #21028 by Shezi
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Hi Jouster

I feel for you in your awful situation. I left my husband last year asa result of his mental health issues - the ensuing behaviour is not healthy to live with.

I agree completely with Rasher's message - I would focus on her mental health as a reason (though not an excuse) for her behaviour when you talk to your sons. You said it all in your last message - as hard as it must be for your lads to know their mum is unwell, it has to be infinitely better than thinking she is simply evil, as you put it. In order to make sense of things and be able to live with them, most of us mortals need a reason that we can understand, however hard to accept that reason is. After all, she will always be their mother no matter what she does and I think it's important to think of the long-term. Your boys will probably be parents themselves one day and I think they will need a clear view of why their mum says and does these things so that they can get it into a healthier perspective later on.

Stay with it, you sound as though you are the only stabilising influence and goodness do your sons deserve you.

Shez

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28 Apr 08 #21032 by Jouster
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Thanks Rasher and Shez. I have explained her mental health problems to my sons and they do understand. We even spoke to our GP about it and he said he would speak to her GP (same practice) although obviously couldn't tell us the outcome because of patient confidentiality. One of my sons has been receiving councelling primarily to help him come to terms with his feelings about his mother and also to help him assert his feelings to her when she tries to bully him. This has helped him immensely and he is much more confident within himself. It is this that has given him the will to tell her that he doesn't want to see her again until she stops saying the things she has been saying. My other son is naturally more confident and doesn't feel the need for counselling and he too has told his mother he doesn't want to see her again. I have always encouraged them to continue seeing their mother but they are now at an age where they must make up their own minds and do what is best for themselves and I therefore think their decision is the right one. The boys always tell me how they are feeling and what is worrying them and for this I am gratefull.

Fortunately I have a very close relationship with my mother, sister and brother and I can talk to them when I am feeling low. They have been very supportive of me and the boys.

x2b now has no-one to talk to. She has alienated everyone who ever cared for her. She was never very close to her own family and I'm not sure she now has much contact with them. We never saw much or heard much from them even during the good times of our marraige. It must be almost 8 years since anyone from her family, parents included, even bothered to enquire after the boys.

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