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Can't cope anymore

  • roseanne
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29 Apr 08 #21176 by roseanne
Topic started by roseanne
Sorry to sound so full of selfpity hate myself for it but don't feel I can take anymore of this.
Try to summarise very acrimonious divorce separated many years h lives with np our teenage kids have always been my responsibility for as long as I can remember. He is high earner now I always looked after home and kids.
He is trying to ruin me financially has refused to negotiate just stated what he requires and as I have not given into him has started ancillary proceedings. Having previously cut maintenance ( was paying above CSA) to try and force me to agree. He says I should have got a better job when we separated.
So worried about what will happen to us. I am on anti depressants. My father died end of last year he was my rock. have been trying to help mum who has never paid a bill in her life and sister who has chronic mental illness and doted on our dad.
Just feel overwhelmed. Kids are naturally confused and said they don't know who to believe anymore . My ability to help them is diminishing.
I really feel like asking h to take kids and walking away as |I cannot take anymore. Not that he would agree of course would interfere with him living his life.
So sorry to ramble on. Any advice please?

  • Elizabeth
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30 Apr 08 #21182 by Elizabeth
Reply from Elizabeth
Hello Bunty,

I was sorry to read your heartfelt post, I can feel from your words that you are very down at the moment, you have a lot to cope with, but hang on in there and don't despair. This site will help keep you connected and may also offer very sound advice on legal matters.

The main thing is at the moment is try and stay focussed on you - your health - re-visit your doctor if you feel the need and don't be shy to talk - if you can find a close friend to confide in - now is the time.

Everyone says it - and I didn't believe it but things do get better, however I recognise that you are dealing with the sad passing of your father. Take great comfort that you had a good relationship with him and find strength in that.

I have to go now but please take care...:)

  • Peachy
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30 Apr 08 #21340 by Peachy
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I was also very sorry to read your post and the very difficult time you are experiencing.
I have just been through a period of wanting to walk away from it all including the children but i am now alot stronger. I have drawn my strenght from my children and the amazing love that i get from them. I am so proud of them and they keep me going.

You are a fantastic mum and you are their world. Please try to keep stong and focus on your family life. I truly believe that like my sxtb that once they mellow into old men they will realise what they missed out on with their kids which is priceless and not returnable.

Take care and good luck ...

  • tricia079
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30 Apr 08 #21342 by tricia079
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Hi Bunty

So sorry to hear about the terrible time you are going through. Everyone says that time is a good healer and it is true, although it may not seem like it now.

To loose your rock (dad) is dreadful and it sounds like you are trying to support everyone else while you are hurting badly yourself. It must feel like you have far too many demands on you.

Your children are confused but need you. It is hard for them too but they love you and you clearly love them. Soon they will be a good support for you.

The antidepressants will help but you also need to try to help yourself. This site is a wonderful arena of support so that is a start. Try to force yourself to do something for you each day - a walk or other form of exercise can help.

Talk to your GP and perhaps try some counselling.

Keep coming back to this site you will find lots of support here - I know it has helped me no end.

Take care of yourself
Tricia

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30 Apr 08 #21345 by roseanne
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Thank you for the replies. Feeling bit calmer today. I really appreciate the support offerred. Will certainly look up the legal stuff think I am going to need to! I can put a practical head on when I need to. Know the next few months will be very busy for me preparing form E for court and also busy in kids lives d deciding if to go to uni she is stressed with exams work and the divorce etc and son bless him stressing about SAts.
But I just feel I have lost the ability to keep going. My head is full of questions like 'How can the man who once loved me treat me like this?' 'How can he not understand the effect on the kids' And the guilt 'why can't my kids be secure in their childhood like I was' .
But the worst of all is the wanting to opt out run away and leave them. Have officially lone parented for last 5 and a half years in reality was lot longer .For years before H worked away in week and wasn't emotionally here at weekends or hols.
Suppose to be honest I feel cheated. Now divorce is blowing up kids don't want to take sides. Understandably they love both parents. But on an emotional level I am so sad that they don't side with me. I know it sounds childish and pathetic but there it is Ive said it. H was the one who wanted kids the most. And kids he got .When it suits him. He now chooses to ignore them most of the time and has ensured I had the life |I really didnt want as lone parent. His reluctance to continue to support us is like a big kick in the teeth. His life is fine with new partner sees kids occasionally is quids in. Mine well I go to work do household chores look after kids and worry about how to make ends meet. Pretty equal eh?
Sorry should shut up now I sound pathetic.
Thanks for the support

  • mumov4
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30 Apr 08 #21347 by mumov4
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Please do not give up because no matter how old your children are and how bad you feel the kids must come first no matter what you are going through. I have felt the same as you and nearly died two years ago (look at my blog)i fell down the stairs and nearly died as a result of it. You can cope we are the stronger race, men who needs them? I am going through hell right now but i love my kids uncontitionaly and they know that i asm there for them no matter what and that helps they love me to bits and that make me feel so proud. I have always said the same thing "can't cope anymore" but i have, you have to just to see their little faces makes it all worthwhile because they are part of you and not him we have a special bond with our children and they don't. Think positive it does help and you are better then them believe me i know it's not easy i know but you will get there.

  • KarenS
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30 Apr 08 #21350 by KarenS
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Hi Bunty - you are not pathetic just human. I feel your pain and suffering. My husband walked out on me and the kids 10 weeks ago for another woman after 21 years of marriage (25 years together). I ask myself the same questions as you every day, how can the man who once loved me treat me like this.
How can he not understand the effect on the kids and the guilt why can't my kids feel secure in their own childhood like I was. The answer is simple - he does care, but he cares about himself more. I too feel cheated and I too like you (although I am ashamed to say it) want my kids to side with me - I want them to hate him - but they don't. They are disappointed in him yes, my oldest son who is 18 and off to uni in Sept told me that he cannot look him in the eye when he talks to him anymore. At the moment he is supporting us financially but how long that will last I do not know - I think this is because he is feeling so guilty. Looking back my husband wasn't here emotionally either but when we live such busy lives we don't always notice. We have to do the everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning and sorting out homework whilst they just spend quality time with their kids. He is keen to see them at the moment but again how long will that last.
Your story has made me feel so sad and sorry for you (not what you really need) but at the moment my dad is my rock - he has been there for me all my life but now especially he is trying to support me and be there for me and the boys - I am so sorry about your dad.
I know you feel like running away and leaving them but they need you so much. The pain the kids must feel when one parent deserts them is bad enough. Please be strong for yourself and for them - you have wasted 5 and a half years feeling bitter about him you must try to be strong and move on - I know it is hard but this site will help you. When I read stories where people have felt sad and bitter for years it makes me think that I am not going to do that and I am trying hard every day to move on. I don't want to waste another second thinking about what might have been. Draw your strength from your children they love you unconditionally and that will help you through each day.
Take Care Love Karen xx

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