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Can't cope anymore

  • Dorsetphoenix
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01 May 08 #21351 by Dorsetphoenix
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Hi Bunty, Firstly, let me say how sorry I am that you have lost your father. I lost 2 friends and my nan last year, and found myself not only grieving for them but for the loss of my marriage and all that life represented. It was a tough time and I too was prescribed medication.

I attended my FDR today, bit of a disappointment, now awaiting a final hearing. My process has dragged on for well over 2 years. I say process because, what you are feeling now is part of a process and you probably have little or no control. I wish I could circumnavigate you round it, but I can't. I do feel for you.

It is probably not much help, but I found that if I dealt with my divorce as I do my business, I could cope. I don't speak to my ex unless it is about the children/school. I don't mention money.

Dealing with the children is a tougher one. At the time my H left me for another W, I had an 18yr old doing A'levels, a 16yr old doing GCSEs and an 18mth old baby - (yes, all his children). I put on a brave face, and so did they, we have muddled through, but not before each of the eldest in turn has left home for a few days to cry with a friend. Teenagers are difficult at the best of times and I'm sure they have begun to develop ideals about their parents' relationship, and are disappointed to find that they were wrong? They are almost as self centred as the x at times but I love them so much and we are all managing to get through this. There is a new ideal now that Mum (me) is being grown up about the process and it's probably not quite as traumatic as they thought it would be. (Though they might change my mind if I get my belly pierced or a tattoo? Tee hee)

Some of this may ring true for you or it may not.

I wish you the best of luck. You will get through this
Regards
x

  • Peachy
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01 May 08 #21388 by Peachy
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I just feel the same also. How can he not care about me after 11years, even if he is no longer is in love with me there is no respect for me as a person and the mother of his children. How can he just walk away from his family life and beautiful young children and shatter their world. He was seeing the children alot but this has now cooled off and he is at present on holiday with the person he left me for and she is not English.... My worst fear now is that he will leave the UK to be with her and her children.....gosh it is too sad to even think about..

I just have to keep so strong for the children but even after 6 months everyday is a struggle.... But i just keep telling myself 'sink or swim' and i am not gonna let him sink me that is for sure....

It is so sad that there is so many of us out there in a similar position but we must draw strenght from our stories to continue and hold our heads up high.

Take care everyone x

  • GSS
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02 May 08 #21514 by GSS
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Hi Peachy

Just read your post.I am a father but in the same position as yourself. I stand to lose my 2 girls to my W who lies constantly and gives me daily harrassment as we still live in the family home.
I have been through and am still going through all your emotions. My W knows the most important thing in my life are my 2 girls so she is manipulating them and taking them away from me. Every now and then I see my real girls and its great.
I have good days and really bad days, but the thought of of all this being over and rebuilding my relationship with my girls keeps me strong.
I may be skint at the end of this but I will have my health and control of my own life again, and hopefully my girls.

You need to look to the future and start planning all the things you want to do. This situation is only temporary.

Keep strong, you will be ok in the long run. Councelling may be an option, it worked well for me.

GSS

  • rasher
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03 May 08 #21524 by rasher
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Hi Bunty

There is no easy way to get through this but your post gives a warning to all those out there who for very good reasons, dont get the divorce finalised as soon as possible.

Reading between the lines you obviously did all you could to give your kids total stability and security so you didnt force the issue of who owns what and who gets what. You clearly did a very good job because your kids have grown up feeling free to emotionally commit to both of you (hence they cant take sides). Unfortunately as you say your husband had been living the separate life for many yrs pre separation - he probably hasnt the first idea that he should do more because sadly he got away with it.

Good on you - this isnt about money or the loyalty of the kids its the shere injustice of it all and thats what alot of people are dealing with on here. It isnt fair and you dont deserve it but the only way to even it up would have been to allow yr children to get caught in the middle which you didnt do. So be pleased with yourself as much as it feels he ripped you off - try to think of it more as you invested in yr kids emotional and psychological health. You sound like you know how to pull it out of the bag when you have to so fight yr corner but dont feel bad for feeling just a tad p"@@ed off - yr entitled. Rasher

  • Elizabeth
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06 May 08 #21668 by Elizabeth
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Hi Dss,

I read Peachy's reply to the original post and saw the depth of feeling, a very caring person.

I also read your post with interest, I will be upfront and say a personal interest in that you are a father with two girls... I am a mother with two boys. I do not wish to judge at all but I sense that you feel you are losing your girls to their mother, more so because they are girls? I could be reading this wrong. But thought I had lost my two boys, almost, to my ex, who strongly felt that they belonged to him because they were boys.. towards the end of our 20 year marriage when we had been united as a family he called them "his boys", of course boys relate to their fathers in lots of ways but this does not mean the mother should be undermined... just the same as girls relate to their mothers... simply because in both instances the sexes do have similar interests...not always, but in general... I nearly lost my boys because my ex said he had "a special bond" with his boys..he took them away from me .. literally -geographically and emotionally, the youngest came home and has stayed ever since... the eldest stayed with his father and I have not seen him for the last 18 months despite determined efforts on my part... I have lost him now and for no other reason other than my ex decided he wanted "a new life" and took our son with him.

The point I am making (albeit in a long-winded way!) is that just because they - your girls, are female don't lost sight of your importance in their lives.. I see it from the other side. I feel BOTH parents are important in their children's lives and I can feel by your post that your are determined to remain part of their lives - good on you. I wish you the best.

  • jelly4toes
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06 May 08 #21673 by jelly4toes
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I accidently and i mean accidently watched 5 minutes of the trisha show the other day. On the show so to speak were young adults 20 something females whose parents had split up when they ere young.Those girls had lost contact with their fathers some years ago.They had grown up with a deep sense of loss and abandonment it was clear what their waring parents had done to them emotionally.My ex2b is trying to turn my daughter against me.it fills me full of fear and dread,the new woman has a big family I am alone .My child goes to visit and sees a big happy family,she comes home and there is just me.I can't give her a family life.I feel a failure as a mother.I see the pain in her eyes after she returns home and can't understand how her father is integrated in a new family when he was at home he completely ignored her.He on the other hand thinks it is all super fine when his daughter goes to his new family.He thinks she is fine he doesn't see her hurt and the terrible tantrums I have to deal with that are so out of character for her.
The point I want to make is that our girls need their fathers and all our children need both parents and to deny or obstruct that has to be the most cruel thing we can do to our children .It will leave them searching emotionally for the rest of their lives.We never lose our children to the other parent they will always come back.We need to keep this in mind.

  • Donnylass
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06 May 08 #21675 by Donnylass
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Jellytoes, as long as your daughter knows you love her, that is the important thing. Plus, you can give her your undivided attention-something that is more difficult in a large family. My 3 all revelled in their 'single' times with either me or their dad.
Don't underestimate the strength of the ties you have with your girl. ;)

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