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My partner wants payback

  • ancillarycilla
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12 May 08 #22164 by ancillarycilla
Topic started by ancillarycilla

I'm the partner of a divorced single Dad who is heading for an FDR.

His ex wife behaved very badly towards him and the kids and has since lied all they way through the court process.

The problem is he has to construct a 'without predjudice' offer prior to the hearing and he is so anxious to get some kind of revenge he is unwillng to give the kind of offer that would keep him out of an FH.

Myself and his solicitor have given our views whch happen to be exactly the same. Its a very straightforward case.

He, however refuses to see reason. Its already cost our new family 14k and is likely to go up another 20k if we end up at an FH.

I have told him that people who regularly lie cheat and treat the people close to them badly invariably end up with what they deserve.

Has anyone any advice on how i can approach him better. The trouble is i'm trying to protect our family of 4 kids and i don't want to see us financially derelict because he has a need for paybck. I've also told him he's unlkely to get payback in court even at the FH as all they are interested in is splitting the pot of assets they're not going to tell her off for being an idiot.

My view is this woman has to sleep at night and hurting her own kids makes her the lowest of the low and she has to live with that.

Please help, i'm desperate....

  • hadenoughnow
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12 May 08 #22165 by hadenoughnow
Reply from hadenoughnow
This is a challenging one. I think you are absolutely right - she will have to live with her own conscience on this one. I have had a similar conversation with my s2bx who is dragging me to FH entirely needlessly in my view. The only people who benefit financially are the lawyers; those who suffer will inevitably be the children.

The point of a without prejudice offer is to keep the case from going all the way to FH - to keep costs down. He needs to be making a realistic offer - but does not have to accept anything unrealistic from her. If it ends up at FH because either of the parties have been unreasonable in their negotiations, that may not go down well with the judge. (Without prejudice offers are not, I believe, supposed to be referred to at FH but I also believe they have a way of being mentioned without breaking the rules IYSWIM) Neither will washing dirty linen in front of the judge - he/she is there to decide how to divide the finances not to help wreak revenge no matter how badly one party may have behaved.

I decided early on in the process to try to maintain a fair and dignified stance and to co-operate even with the most ridiculous requests from the other side so I could demonstrate I was telling the truth about everything. This hasn't stopped me ending up with a FH round the corner. I am hoping in my case the judge will see my stbx and his legal team's attitude for what it is - needlessly vindictive and self serving with no thought given to the children.

If his ex is lying, he needs to make it clear - through hard evidence - that he can expose her without being nasty about it. It is a question of making sure the right questions are asked so he can make a without prejudice offer based on full financial disclosure - so if he thinks she is hiding assets or lying about her situation, he can ask questions prior to making the offer - maybe even get his solicitor to write stating that he is not in a position to make an offer because there has not been full financial disclosure by her and setting a deadline for it?

If the case does end up at a FH and she has been - as someone else was famously described recently "a less than candid witness" - then the judge is not going to be unaware of that. They are not fools but as I said before, they are not there to acts as angels of vengeance either. Their concern mainly is to protect the kids.

The judge at FDR will give you a clear indication of how he/she would want to see the case settled if it went to a FH. There will not, however, be any more than the briefest references to the evidence and the emphasis will be on the financial basics - who has what, who needs what and how should it be divided.

If however, his reasons are personal - not financial - then I am afraid he has nothing to gain, and a lot to lose.

For me the greatest revenge (although that is not what I am looking for) is the fact that even though this has cost me a fortune, whatever happens, I still have the love and respect of my children - and he, through his own actions, does not. AT FDR I offered exactly what the judge said was appropriate - and it was still not accepted.

Perhaps you could persuade him to come on to the site and ask some questions of his own ... I am sure hearing other people's views would help - and would take the pressure off you.

best wishes


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