A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


I thought I could cope with this

  • Dave71
  • Dave71's Avatar Posted by
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
28 May 08 #23774 by Dave71
Topic started by Dave71
Hi

After reading loads of threads on this site I thought I'd post my own story to see if I could get any advice.

Wy wife , 6 weeks ago told me out the blue that she does not love me anymore, upon further discussions she then stated that she doesn't fancy me but still loves me but as a friend? This was very hard to take although we have had our share of problems over the last year or so. I went through a phase of sleeping on the couch due as I felt that she was becomming colder towards me and we lost the family business, etc. We spoke about how she felt and we agreed that we would try to sort it out we started paying more attention to each other and things appeared to be getting better. During this time she was starting a painting business and had employed a 40 yr old man who she knew from a long time ago (15 years) who cheats on his wife regularly and lives life like he is peter pan, party time all the time spends all the money he has on drink and stays away from his wife and kid for days on end and lies about where he's been.

Two weeks after we had spoke about sorting it out, I came home from my work one night and my wife told me that she 'couldn't do it anymore' meaning us and she wanted to separate. I had already questioned her about this friend and she assured me nothing was going on as I knew something was not right.

We separated she left the MH, left me with the two kids (6 & 3) and went to live with her brother in same town, although she was never there according to him. She would come in the morning and watch the kids when I was at work, this being a temp arrangement untill she found a more perm place. During this period I was going crazy trying to find answers for us separating, blaming myself and trying to convince her that she was making a mistake and trying to convince her that I really loved her. Things then started to pop up which were not quite right regarding this friend she had employed. I asked her again if anything was going on and last week she hit me with the bombshell that 'since we split he had decleared his undying love for her' I asked her how she felt and she said she had feelings for him but did not intend to do anything about it untill at the moment untill things had settled down. I was devastated, angry and very very hurt this has taken things to a new level, I was in denial that she could do this to me. A couple of days past , which brings us to last weekend, she moved into her flat which is directly across the street from MH, during the moving of her stuff I asked her more about this bloke and she says that she loves him too, and there has always been something between them from 15 years ago. Again very hard to take, my family and mutual friends were all devastated by this news even her best friends were very angry at her as they know what kind of person this man is.

Monday night he stayed overnight in her flat and I can't get the images out my head. I can't sleep, go to my work or cope with this anymore. She is trying to force me to sell the family home to get a payout to start a new life. I know she is going to regret what she's doing at the moment and he is only staying around for a quick thrill and possibly our money. I don't want to move houses, my kids don't want to move houses, If I move then I've lost everything I've been working towards over the last ten years.

Things escalated out of control yesterday as I had bagged up the balance of her clothes, as agreed, and sorted out beds for the kids (shared 50/50 at the moment)she went crazy hitting me and throwing her stuff all over the street, calling me all the names under the sun.

I have a viewing for the house tonight - I don't think I can face this.

Going to the doctors today to get some ad's - how can things get this bad?

  • IKNOWNOW
  • IKNOWNOW's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
29 May 08 #23989 by IKNOWNOW
Reply from IKNOWNOW
diydd,

Whoah, slow down and take a step back.

You say you had a viewing for the house, yet you don't want to sell; it has only been 6 weeks so things are still raw.

You say you are going to the Drs to get some antidepressants; not sure they are the answer either.

You need to take some control back and analyse the situation you now find yourself in. Have replied to your other post about you not thinking this man is the sort of person you want around your children.

Have you taken any legal advice? Even if you have an initial 30 min appointment to find out where you stand re the house and the children.

You need to take time out and decide what things are important and focus on them. Concentrate on being there for your children as they must be very confused as to what is going on, such a whirlwind of events.

Don't do anything hasty.

Why not try putting things down in a blog, or posting specific questions to help you re-focus.

Take care

xx Sarah xx

  • Dave71
  • Dave71's Avatar Posted by
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
30 May 08 #24001 by Dave71
Reply from Dave71
Hi

Been to the docs, never took AD's got sleeping tablets though. Been to see a solicitor, I know exactly where I stand now.
To say I'm feeling better is not quite correct but I am more focused on what needs to be done.

She has behaved terribly during this and some of the things she is saying are so bad like 'he says he will love the kids as much as he loves me'. Its like shes trying to replace me. She feels because she has been, in her opinion, honest with me that its ok to do what shes doing. She now is not the person I loved and is showing her true colours now to everyone but I still love her so much (if that makes any sense).


I'm gonna have to grit my teeth, take the pain and try to move on.

Thanks for the advice.

  • jelly4toes
  • jelly4toes's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 May 08 #24002 by jelly4toes
Reply from jelly4toes
i would suggest from my experience that having those chats with the ex2b are really doing you a lot of emotional harm.I have been in the same place as you and still am to some extent.the ex has the chats to off load the guilt and we as the wounded one who still loves them with all our heart looks for any small crumb of hope that they still will come to their senses.those little chats simply torture our souls and provide the ex2b with information as to where we are and what we are planning to do.My police is to now stay clear of the torture,it is real cold turkey but for me is the only way to deal with it all.

  • Soupdragon
  • Soupdragon's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
02 Jun 08 #24314 by Soupdragon
Reply from Soupdragon
Your story is similar to mine with two esceptions (I think)

(1) My wife SAYS there is no one else.
(2) I really wish she would leave me to look aftrer the children.

I am so cut up about the whole thing I have not eaten for over 48 hours as I just feel sick all the time.

I too cannot believe she want's to throw everything away just because she does not like me any more.

I give her, as I have always done, complete freedom to do anything she wants and it still comes to this.
If I lose the kids and the home I might just as well give up completely.
There is no point anymore!

  • Tey
  • Tey's Avatar
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
02 Jun 08 #24342 by Tey
Reply from Tey
Hi

I can understand where you're coming from. Like you, I gave my husband freedom to do what he wants and it turns out that although he still loves me, he's not sure he loves me enough. As per my post under "Introdue Youself", in his case, he's been having an affair with a girl less than half his age, but to be honest I think she was a catalyst and brought everything to a head. We've always got on extremely well and still do, and he says he'd be mad to throw everything away (we've been together 24 years, married nearly 19). We have a good life together, have nearly paid the mortgage and it's galling that now we're at an age when the kids don't need us around so much and we can be a couple again he's not sure I'm what he wants.

I too couldn't eat at first, felt so sick because it seemed as though the life I thought I had had turned into a lie.

All I can say is to take one day at a time; I understand completely what you mean re your chats with your ex2B - it's extremely painful to hear what the other person has to say but personally I'd rather face everything, no matter how upset I feel, and then come to terms with it. However, every person and every partnership is different and only you know how much you can take. And yes, you do start to see them in a different light.

I've had 6 months now to come to terms with (a) my husband having an affair and (b) him finishing it to try again with me and (c) finding out that despite finishing it she didn't take no for an answer and we're now having a trial separation. It's an emotional rollercoaster but you will come through it a stronger person.

Don't say there's no point anymore or that you might as well give up.

  • Soupdragon
  • Soupdragon's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
02 Jun 08 #24344 by Soupdragon
Reply from Soupdragon
I am so numb with my own self pity it feels like this is worse for me than anyone else. (obviously it's not)

For all my years I can still not fathom what's brought this on.

Odlly enough, although this forum is designed to help people, I find reading others sad stories make things worse.

I feel for you all by the way.

It's not meant to be this way!

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11