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living with a depressive

  • kathleen
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05 Jun 08 #24805 by kathleen
Topic started by kathleen
I have lived with someone who has suffered from depression for 15 years and it has affected me in many ways. I have fallen out of love and need to move on and live my life.I no longer feel guilty but he does not understand and i have to take all the blame - it seems so unfair when I have done nothing but support him all these years. I really need someone who has been through similar for some support.
Any advice appreciated

  • hadenoughnow
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05 Jun 08 #24909 by hadenoughnow
Reply from hadenoughnow

my stbx was/is a depressive who used alcohol to self medicate as well as anti depressants, tranx, sleeping pills etc.
It did not matter what I did, or how much I tried to support him. The marriage was all about him .. and his illness .. not me, not the kids. The divorce is turning out the same too.
I think his 'illness' became the thing that defined him. I also think he was not actually ill for a lot of the time; he was manipulating everyone around him.

There have been discussions recently on site about living with an alcoholic. LIving with a depressive is equally bad .. and a depressive alcoholic is a nightmare.

Do PM me if you want to chat.


  • emma b
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05 Jun 08 #24921 by emma b
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Hi Kathleen

Sorry to hear of your situation. I have had depression and thankfully am now well.

I understand the reasons that I had depression. One of the most important things that I have learned, is that my depression was not anybody's fault. Not mine, not my s2bx's, not my upbringing, not my true self's - it was just a combination of circumstances.

Only once I truly understood and believed this, took my share of the resonsibility for my illness, forgave those that unwittingly contributed to my illness and then minimised the contributory factors - did I began to recover.

I am not a doctor, but I do believe that it's impossible for one person's depression to be the whole fault of another. I hope I am understanding you correctly, but what really hits me in what you have said, is that you "have to take all the blame". You don't. You have rights too.

You are not responsible for making your s2bx well, he is.

You are resonsible for your own happiness. You know what you ahve to do to be happy - go for it.

Good luck.


  • Donnylass
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05 Jun 08 #24934 by Donnylass
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Hi Kathleen, you are not alone with these experiences. Like hadenoughnow, my stbx is an alcoholic who also suffered several episodes of deep depression. I tried everything I could to help him-accompanying him to Drs, encouraging him to go for counselling, working to provide for the family while he spent all day on the settee. I am sure if we had gone for unreasonable behaviour, he would be citing the fact (in his eyes) that I did not help or understand his depression. It would have been interesting to know how he would prove this, as I have got a counselling diploma, and have worked in psychiatry, and therefore I do understand depression.
I am happier now that his mood swings are not a part of my daily life and I hope you will achieve this too.
Take care ;)

  • busybees
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06 Jun 08 #24950 by busybees
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hi there,,,

My stbx also and still does have depression and i also was made to feel everything was my fault, the job he had was rubbish - that was my fault, he wasnt active enough - that was my fault,you name it i got the blame. However i knew in my heart of hearts that i had done all i could
after we split it took a long time to not worry about him - he was my other child in so many ways. However you do come to realise that you cannot take responsibility for their lives.

You will need time to come to terms with how you feel. The guilt that i was leaving someone who had a illness was a strong force for me for a long time, but when you do have space you come to understand the manipulation and the understanding that you have done your best.

  • kathleen
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06 Jun 08 #24969 by kathleen
Reply from kathleen
Yes I need space but he will not move out and says i must get on with him for the sake of the kids - yes he is a child himself and the fact he takes no responsibilty for anything makes me angry and resentful. Day to day running of everything is down to me and he treats the place like a hotel - not surprised i feel this way but dislike the way it gets me and really want to be on my own and start living.

  • castess
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06 Jun 08 #24971 by castess
Reply from castess
I was in exactly the same situation, except without the kids!! My ex2b blames me for everything from leaving him to making him lose a good job. I just had to get out, and now I find it's much better, although it's not been easy, as he's still behaving like a petulant child. But you've got to realise that you're not to blame, and you've got to get out, otherwise you'll go mad!!

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