I read your forum and I feel just the same way about my stbx husband.
He was my friend, my close companion and he was there when I needed him for those hugs. Until he decided he didn't love me anymore and went off with someone else.
I have cried so much in the last 5 months and 1 week on Wednesday. Andrex sales have gone through the roof and I'm thinking of buying some shares for the amount of tears I shed.
We do talk from time to time, but I feel it will all end when our marital home is sold and the divorce process is finished.
Even as I write this to you I have tears in my eyes, as I have had a disappointment today and I just can't get over it. It feels like I not getting anywhere, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Good job Wiki is here, otherwise I don't know what I would of done without the other members feedback regarding my tales of woe.
Tip of the day always keep a good supply of tissues and headache tablets. They will also help get you through the stressed out moments.
i just don't know what to do with the very real aching,yearning and longing that lives within my heart...i don't think the love will ever go away despite the nasty evil things that have been and are being done to me and our daughter.I feel like i will love my ex2b with all my heartfor the rest of my life.That is a very frightening place to be as it will keep me locked in the prison of the past.I am praying for a future.I am still looking out of the window at 7.10pm every day waiting for his car to pull up outside.the fairytale would end with him begging for forgiveness and being truly sorry for the awful things he has done.I live in hope of moving to acceptance that it is over and to the realisation that if it were to carry on i would have become a mere shell of a person.
Like you, I keep surprising myself with these confounded tears. Generally I am doing very well. During the day and on the outside, I am doing very well.
But when I am alone in the car, or late in the evening after the children go to bed, or just before bed. I have this huge hole in my soul. It is where a soul mate should reside. But Daisy, he’s not been around for such a long time. I thought he was my friend. I thought he was my husband, I thought he was my lover my companion my partner. But he really wasn’t. And he did not reside in my soul and he did not support me and did not love me as I should be loved. He says he loves me, but what kind of love lets you do all this to your loved one.
He keeps proving to me that he really isn't worthy of my love and dedication. Yet, I still ache, and I still cry and I still go through times when I cannot breathe.
On the other hand, I do have times when I feel I am reclaiming myself. I feel I am accomplishing something. I feel I am doing very well without him. I feel he cannot hurt me, because at the slightest hint of nastiness, I can turn my back and not let him see me for weeks. And I think you have these times too. One day, I am hoping that the happy times will be far more than the less happy ones
4 months- I know it must have felt like a lifetime but it is such a short period of time,you cannot expect too much of yourself hun. I think that you sound like a really positive person and that will win through in the end. You will wonder where all your strength came from and you will admire yourself for getting through and keeping it together (mostly). This is and will be a long long process and you must take it a little bit at a time.
DO your absolute best to turn that damn chatterbox in your head off. Stop the incessant thinking about him - focus your thoughts on you, what do you want and take the very tiny steps to achieving that. Lord, it can be lonely, it can be so so hard but the true test of who we are is not how we fall, but how we get up again. Try and get up with style. I have struggled this last 18 months to do this and I do have good days, quite a few of them now.
Only logging on for a second as I'm tired and off to bed!
Just wanted to share this with you........... this time last year I was feeling pretty low and this was never helped by the fact that the stbx always appeared to be so full of life and energy (and money!)blah blah blah. Like so many I struggled to drag myself out of bed and there were times when I can honestly say that I had no idea what my kids had had for breakfast, if in fact they had had anything at all! i cared even less about whether or not there was anything there for tomorrow!
This year on Father's Day, my stbx chose to spend the entire day with his new partners father and her children. she quite cleverly sorted it so that she had everyone around her and deprived her ex and my children of their own father's. Having spent all day with them, he then reduced one of them to tears when he rang (under the influence?)at 10pm to say he was so disappointed in them for not buying him a card/pressy, when in fact it sat on the kitchen side awaiting his visit that never happened.
Now last year I would have been totally devastated by his insensitivity....tears, blame, anger etc......a year on I was able to support my kids and guide them like a true supporting parent should. then I sat back and waited for them to return home at 1020pm having been and thrown his present in his face! This was totally their wish and I really did nothing to encourage it!
Oh yes their Dad had the tears and played the emotional blackmail trick, full of apologies etc but the damage is done. the point i make is that sometimes we dont realise just how much progress we are in fact making and that time really is a great healer! It scares me to look back and see just how far I have travelled!
What you are feeling and suffering is real pain and real emotions..........they will gradually level out despite what you may believe today! Don't deny them, accept them for what they are..........part of a very normal healing process.