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For the new ones: survival in the first few weeks

  • Shoegirl
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28 Dec 11 #303545 by Shoegirl
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I'm bumping this up again as we have a few new members to the site who will still be navigating their way around finding information.

I hope this helps and I genuinely send all who are in the first few weeks of separation a massive hug.

I was you this time last year and I can assure you this too will pass. But n the meantime, here is some stuff that helped me

  • survive
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28 Dec 11 #303602 by survive
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I too have just re-read this post. What an excellent post.

just take it all one day at a time. As Sair says, everyone heals at different times - a lot depends on their circumstances.
Me, personally I am still heaqling some 2 years on, but then I can't do no contact at all, due to young children, I am not yet divorced due to acrimonious settlement, so my pain and anger and hurt is still quite fresh and raw. So, Wiki's just remember everyone is different.

survive
x

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03 Jan 12 #304384 by shashyfoo
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Dear Sair. Thank you thank you thank you! I am new at this! 24 years married to a workaholic, three kids! I never thought it would happen to me, he didn''t have time for an affair - how wrong was I. Your advice is fab and I am going on amazon now to order your recommended books. Thanks again - Sharon

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04 Jan 12 #304624 by 654yto
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I am 4 years into the grieving process. I have been hoping for past 4 years that my husband ( of 31 years)would stop the silly choices he is making - has had many affairs and got involved financially with many girls in the Far East, while on business trips. I know that he has ''given'' them at least £50,000 to ''help them out'' to try and get them to ''go home'' but they just take his money and gives him attention and love in return- either in person when possible or by email/messaging/skype. I had enough last year when he said that he had meta filipino ( not a lady of the night he said) while she was on holiday in Hong Kong. She was 28 years old then and he was important to him. He refused to leave as he was ''paying'' for the house and why should he? he was going to stay and carry on and I could like it or lump it! We have 2 teenage children- one struggling with Uni and the other with GCSE''s so did not want to turf them out of their home - it could ruin their career. So i hoped and waited some more and more. The children were both contacted on facebook by one of his lady friends who threatened to expose their Dad with pics and info - unrequited love because she knew about the Filipino girl that had now taken the love of her life and the gravy train away!!!
For peace and a chance to forget the stuff that was happening ......I went away in the summer with the children on my own. I gave him the chance to ask to come too. he didnt take it. he just wanted to know when we were going and coming back. On our return I saw pics of him and his new lady friend.he had flown to Thailand the day after we had gone - and taken her to the same hotel as we went to together on our 25th Wedding Anniversary!
That was the last straw. I arranged to see a solicitor. We had our first around the table meeting with the solicitor yesterday- I feel numb - I am the Petitioner and citing adultery. I am even know struggling with what I have had to do to get my life back. AS IT HAS BEEN SUCH A LONG DRAWN OUT PROCESS FOR ME, I CAN RELATE TO ALL THE POINTS YOU HAVE GIVEN ABOVE ALREADY .......A FANTASTICALLY COMPREHENSIVE ACCOUNT OF HOW THINGS ARE !!!!
Thanks for showing me that I am not unique although I have only given you a tip of the iceberg in this snapshot picture. The bullying me into not asking questions has been humiliating and abusive.

Do you recommend any others that I should get in touch with? I am a new member as of an hour ago! Thx

  • Fifi100
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29 Jan 12 #309075 by Fifi100
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Dear Sair,

Thank you for this post. I''ve survived day 1 and am waking up to day 2. Your post was just what I needed to pep me up a little. I''ll keep referring back.

I don''t think my H has been seeing anyone (not at the moment in anycase) but I know that something has happened in the past. His desicion to ask for time out has left me reeling as I was pretty much feeling my way through the mess hoping it would "come right". Reading y old diaries and your post in close succession has made me begin to see that actually it might be a good thing.

I don''t know what the outcome is going to be for my marriage yet -
I guess it''s a case of small steps making great strides.

Thank you. Fifi

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10 Jun 12 #335981 by Jo100
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I needed this today - 18th January 2012 is the day my STBX "died" & I thought I was moving on but having found out about his new relationship 3 weeks ago, I have been on my knees. I havn''t been able to eat, sleep or think about anything else apart from my loss and pain. I don''t even want him back. I wasn''t happy with where we were but I believed that we could get passed it.
I have done everything that I would tell my best mate to do - I''ve joined a karate class, I booked, took & passed my CBT with a new life goal of having a black belt and a huge bike by the time I am 50 (3 and a half years to go!!)
The thing is - I feel like the strength to deal with this has gone - I''m just in tears all the time when I''m not distracting myself. I''m so tired of all the pain. The house is overwhelming me, even the dog is getting on my nerves!!!
I know that he (STBX) functions best in a world where there are no emotional demands made of him & that is exactly the new world that he has created for himself, I''m just sooo angry that he appears not to appreciate the devastation that he has left behind. I just feel so disposed of, so inconsequential, like I never even happened.
The advice you give is eloquent and familiar. I needed this today because I can''t even face picking up the phone to talk to someone - it''s like my voice has gone & 5 months in, I''m so sure that I''m boring everyone now!!! I know it will get better but there is a little twisted part of me that hopes it''s not until I''m down to my fantasy weight of 9 stone!! How stupid is that??? He stole my future, my social life & my confidence - it''s a long road. Thanks all for listening - Jo xxxxx

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10 Jun 12 #335985 by Marshy_
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Hey Jo...

Jo100 wrote:

He stole my future, my social life & my confidence - it''s a long road. Thanks all for listening - Jo xxxxx


He didnt steal yr future. Yr future is yours. No one can take it away from you. It can only be changed. But as I said. Yr future is yrs. So write what you want on it. U have already started anyway. The big bike. Nine stone. All good things to aim for. And if you was with him? Chances are you wouldnt have achieved this and many things that are stared in your future right now. And no one can do this except you. So dont look at it as if you have been cursed. Its the other way round. You are blessed.

It is a long road. In fact yr whole life is the road. Life is a journey. Not the destination.

As for yr confidence, the more you achieve the more your confidence will grow. And you make yr own social life. So what are you waiting for girl. Go get it... C.

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