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For the new ones: survival in the first few weeks

  • Jo100
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10 Jun 12 #335987 by Jo100
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Thank you - you''re right. The future I had planned is still waiting for me - he just won''t be in it!! Nine stone is hugely optimistic but 900cc''s between my legs and a black belt that emerges as I take my leathers off is so at the top of my list!!!

  • Linden17
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19 Sep 12 #356713 by Linden17
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It''s so sad isn''t it, how many people seem to be experiencing the same things. Sometimes, thinking about that can make you feel better, like you''re not alone, but it also makes you lose faith in humanity. Some, in fact most, of the things you have said here (a long time ago I notice!) really ring true for me and thank you for articulating them so well. In particular, the feeling that I can''t believe how my life has changed, and so quickly. Just over 3 months ago I thought I had the best relationship in the world. Even my stbx (does that mean ''soon to be ex''?) agreed that before he met his OW, that he was still deleriously happy with me after 19 years together, and it was a moment of weakness (or several) that he wishes he had been strong enough to conquer. But he says he can''t get over his feelings for this OW and so is throwing away ''the best thing that ever happened to him''. I''m beginning to suspect that he has said those things to me out of guilt and to soften the blow and I know that ''I can''t'' means ''I don''t want to''. It''s like when I found out about his affair and confronted him with it, he''d had his bag of sweets taken away and is now determined to go and enjoy them, whatever the cost.
I am trying to get on with my life but the more normal things I do,(like being at work), which sometimess make me momentarily forget my situation, the worse the crushing reality when you suddenly remember. I am so impatient to feel happiness again...I sometimes think I never will. It''s all so terrifying...

  • Paul.
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19 Sep 12 #356718 by Paul.
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Hi Linden,
time is what you need.
the whole thing about our situation is that one needs to process it all.
I would, and still do, run things over and over and over again and again in my head. Spin off so many angles of what I could or should have done, howebver the stone cold reality is, that you are now here where you are. The water has gone under the bridge, it can''t be diverted back. The sands of time have run through the hourglass of your life, whats below is done, its whats above.
Time is what it takes to process this, and get to acceptance.
Tht''s the most difficult bit, acceptance.
You''ll be 99% there for ages, its that last click.
I still wish I could turn the clock back ten years.
Love is completely blind.
You just can''t see what they''re really like.
I suffered for such a long time, and Im such a sucker that I''d go back for more.

Time will heal, help you.
The dreams subside.
The loss, the hotness in your heart.
You need tyo get your life rhythm back, be selfish, and be yourself.
Don''t frett about feeling happy again. That will come eventually, it cannot be rushed.


  • Linden17
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20 Sep 12 #356898 by Linden17
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Thanks for you words Paul. People keep telling me that time is the best healer and I know that''s true but sometimes you just can''t believe it...
Like you I also analyse everything I''ve done and said from the start of this hideous time and keep thinking if I''d done things differently, or reacted differently to something he said or did, maybe I wouldn''t be in this mess now...but deep down I know that nothing I could have done would have changed his mind. I gave him so many chances and offered so much forgiveness but in the end, I lost the fight. I just have to deal with it and try and re-build. It all still feels like someone else''s nightmare that I''ve wandered into by mistake.
I''m trying really hard not to think of the last 19 years of my life as a huge waste...

  • Shoegirl
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20 Sep 12 #356921 by Shoegirl
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You will see I wrote that post some time ago now and I''m 20 months into my own separation and nearly divorced.

I want to let you know it does get better. Coming to terms with the loss, facing those painful feelings, having to work through deep grief is extremely hard and one of the most difficult things I have ever faced.

I''ve not wavered though for one second. I have focused on getting through it and sometimes that meant accepting I was going to feel bad for some time. Feeling bad and having painful feelings does not mean you are doing badly. You are processing important feelings and you have to do that to come to terms with the loss. You can''t heal unless you work through it, however hard that is at the time.

So, it does get better. There isn''t a set timescale, it takes as long as it takes. Every person path through the nightmare is unique to them. But know it does get better. People told me I''d get to the stage where I didn''t want my husband back. I thought they were insane. Actually, they were completely right.

Life does go on after this nightmare. It''s just different from before, many say its better including me. But for now, for you one hour at a time.

Take care

  • CaringParent
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27 Oct 12 #363155 by CaringParent
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Need help
Couple of months already in an unwanted separation
Unable to bear the pain
Love her a lot, 10 years of together ness
I took legal action as the final straws of being hit with an instrument, i did not hit back. injured and crying I did not know what to do as ex threatened to take our child away with her.
I loved her truly, I deserved some love back
She does not understand
She never may
All she has are her self made reasons to be mad at me.
We are separated :(
I miss her
Have been awake since 4 am reading wiki
It hurts
Hurts a lot
I knew I love her madly
Never knew so much that I find it difficult to eat, breathe or even do anything weather it is watch tv or music or reading anything other than wiki or legal stuff.....
It has been couple of months I watched any tv
All I feel like is going to her, begging her to come back, I do love her, she see all that she wanted me to be and I could not be, does not see all that became for her, all that I did, the love, care, the expensive holidays, the concern, she misunderstands my friendships so I stopped being friends with any one of opposite sex, she does not like my friends coming around, so I stopped inviting , apart from couple if over night few visits of my childhood friends who live far .......I did humanly all I could to comply...I did used to get tired after a full time job and took an hour or two of rest while watching tv on the weekend...that''s all I took to myself...
I did all I can
Took over all bills alone for years, mortgage, helped in domestic chores, copra renting our child, getting my ex lowers, trying to give a hug that never got reciprocated .....
I tried
I love her so much
But yes
Being human, when abused 10 times I made the mistake of answering g back once in 10 and then that once held against me along with twisted allegations and thoughts of h mind which are no where closer to reality.

What do I do
I love her
The marriage is breaking
We are separated
We have children
We love our children
Both of us want the child to be with us
I want her to be back home.

God...I love her so much.

  • Serendipity100
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27 Oct 12 #363166 by Serendipity100
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Dear CF - the beauty of this site is that one can turn to it at any time and find help, be it legal or emotional. Shoegirl''s blog old, but you found it. ( and thank you SG-I also find your posts so helpful)

There is always someone up and about in dark hours of early morning CF - at the mo, tends to me: yes, sleep patterns do get disrupted. Going to say the obvious things to you - go to your GP - you may be depressed. Ok, happy tabs only mask the pain, and you are certainly in that stage that SG''s post has explained.. but may help you get through the first few stages of well, it equates to bereavement. One has to grieve for the loss of a loved one.

Secondly, continue to post on here - as I say, I tend to be up and about all hours these days since the proverbial hit the fan.

It REALLY does get better, but as SG''s excellent blog says, hour by hour is a small success.

I am unable to post about my own dire situation, but do look at back posts from wikis on here, especially under this category. All been there. Where you are now this black place.

Hour by hour, as SG so succinctly put it, and perhaps think about going to GP - if not for anti-d''s, counselling service. I do sense your acute pain, CF, but you can use us, well, this site, for support. You are already on first rung of the ladder by your opening line ''need help''. Yes you do, and no shame in it, but at least you recognise it.

Nothing anyone can say or do re your still loving and missing her. Only time, and getting support will help you CF.

Up all night and poor sleep patterns, really normal, you know. Make sure you try to eat properly throughout: a poor diet will not help matters much, CF.

I did see person on line when I was also up the other day/night - always someone about!!! But Iam in better place than you for I see what a monster I married after years of denial. But you, I feel your raw pain, and really have been there. As such, re-read SG''s blog. Actually take it in....you still want her back, bless you, and nothing we can do about that, but you can get yourself stronger! And you will find huge support in here to do that.

Massive thanks to SG for blog that appreciate is very old - and CF and others found and so resurrected. As previously said, that is the beauty of this site, passing around the ''caring and sharing'' ethos that underpins it.

CF and other, including myself, who found SG''s blog inspirational, there really IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Just a case of getting through it, hour by hour, day by day, week by week.

I hope this has helped a bit, CF.

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