The pain is awful becuae it is still so raw for you.
I read Shoegirls first post on this blog for the first time tody and I felt most of what she described but for different reasons.She has written some good posts and speaks wisely.
I am 4 years down the line now and at the time just as you are now, I was in such a deep dark hole I truly felt i would never get out of it. I was frightened and had never felt so alone in my life.
You ask if there is a point to it all... well yes there is, only you won''t see that at the moment.
You really just have to get through each hour of every day the best way you can. It''s going to be tough and completely shitty at times but little by little it will and does get better.
Thanks for posting this in forum Shoegirl or I wouldn''t have seen it.At the stage now of 5months and honestly agree with every word you have written from the start to end,capturing all the feelings so eloquently.
Not so new but encouraged thank you and for new wiki''s this site is can or will be a new best friend.
Reading this post transported me back to the day my stbx announced he was leaving. Some of those images and words will stay with me forever. I started to see him standing in our bedroom. He had told me he was leaving, it''s funny but I knew this was so much more than a row, I knew this was serious. He looked absolutely awful and despite me feeling sheer terror like I had never felt before, I went to him, I held out my arms and held him, he fell into me, lifeless, very pale and I was very very scared. I knew it was hopeless and if I had pushed him to try to get him to change his mind it would have turned nasty. Something inside me, don''t know what did not want that. I had already established that he had nowhere to go and so I said that I would pack a bag and go and stay with my brother. I''ll never forget the response, which was " if you don''t mind, yes go.
I don''t remember that journey, any of it. I vaguely remember being at my brothers. All I remember was feeling that it was all my fault, that I wasn''t good enough for him and that I deserved being dumped. I had stopped making an effort, I had become complacent, I was bored. I had just stopped doing things and now he had had enough. I nursed some ridiculous notion that I could turn it all around, that I could fix it. All I needed was to convince him and apologise for my p..s poor behaviour. I would return home the day after and tell him. The next day I had a txt of him asking me if I was still at my brothers. I know now that he would have stayed here if I had have said yes but I didn''t. I got home to find that he had gone, taking only his work clothes with him.
The following image I will never forget. On the coffee table was a mound of cake wrappers, empty crisp packets, chocolate paper, the remnants of a take away and some empty beer cans. Whilst I felt like death, agreed to go to my brothers because I felt it would be too difficult for him to be in the house with me he was busy stuffing his fat face. 15 months on and that day still sickens me. I wish I had have looked after me that day, I wish I had told him to go. Where was his problem. I actually felt more for him that day than I did myself. I deserved better, better from myself but that''s what happened and although what I describe might not be shocking to some it was to me.
I have experienced more or less everything that Shoes goes on to describe so well. It''s true about starting to feel better. I just don''t feel very much nowadays. I do sometimes feel a little angry but it''s short lived and I know what to do with it now.
Counselling, attending to my basic needs, listening to my gut, reading and wiki are my life now. I am in an ok place at the moment, it feels a little selfish but I don''t believe I am hurting anyone by it
Our final hours have scarred me and I think I will always cringe when I see Mr Kipling''s Little Fancy Cakes:angry:
I am glad of this post, it has told me something about my journey, that I''m normal and that I am indeed healing and recovering.