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  • orangepeel
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02 Jul 08 #30136 by orangepeel
Topic started by orangepeel
I'm a 39 year old man & just found out my wife's been having an affair. As daft as it sounds I've told her I still love her & would have her back but she's shot me down....

I'm crushed...

I've two kids & in a (very) well paid job...

How do I keep my house & keep (at least half) access to my kids...? I'm a loving dad & did nothing wrong to lead up to her infidelity but guess that doesn't count...

Help,
yours devastated!

  • polar
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02 Jul 08 #30139 by polar
Reply from polar
No you did nothing wrong. But read all you can on this site and it will help you come to terms with what is happening. I really wish that I had found it when my STBX left. What it shows is you are not alone and all on here will help you in any way they can. Trust in the saying ''just because one person thinks you are a *** does not mean the other 60 billion in the world have the same opinion'' Another to remember is ''the only mistake you made was to choose the wrong person''
So remember on this site you are not alone amd there are many who will do their best to get you through this.

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02 Jul 08 #30143 by orangepeel
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Thanks,
it's tough... Been together 19 years & she's been having her affair for three months but tells me she'd rather have him than me...
My world has fallen apart & I feel so alone - aparently she's been telling her friends all about this. Guess the husband is always the last to know...

I thought I chose the right person as we've been together for so long but she found a school sweet heart on facebook and it went from there...

I still love her... & I adore my kids...

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02 Jul 08 #30146 by polar
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Go through the forum and you will see many a similar story.
I will give you some pointers which I have gleaned over the past months. Its not how much you love her that counts. Its how much she loves you and she is making that fairly plain.
By telling her you love her you appear weak and needy. Yes I told her I loved her and all she replied was I know. Another pointer is 'its not what she says..its what she does which counts''
Keep loving those kids. They are going to go through the mill as much as you.
So my simple advice for what its worth is start protecting your interests as much as you can...NOW. Be prepared for the worst and if the worst does not happen you are in credit.
Read the forums thoroughly. Get tuned up as much as you can.
If nothing else it will save you a lot of worry and solicitors bills. Honestly I know how you feel.

  • jelly4toes
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02 Jul 08 #30154 by jelly4toes
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welcome to wiki youre story is so familiar unfortunately.
it is so very hard and completely devastating for us when we find ourselves in this vile place.support is here day and night.you will go through a process ie the grieving process you will grieve for your marriage.the process is real and you cannot skip any of it i suggest you look up what the grieving process is all about as you will have the knowledge to enable you to understand what is happening to you.
your job will be your sanctury.and your children they need you.although you will feel the male need to rush in and sort this and that unfortunately its just not like that.the old phrase time is a healer is absolutely true.we all move through the whole thing at different rates.

i suggest you read through peoples posts to give you an overview of what is going on for you and what at the same time doesn't make sense cos of the deciet and betrayl.

we have a very supportive and caring community on here and everyone will welcome you with an unconditional and open heart unlike our ex2b's

hugsxxxx

  • orangepeel
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03 Jul 08 #30413 by orangepeel
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Thanks both. I know I'm flogging a dead horse & I know I give her the impression I'm needy & weak... It's 'cos I am.

I still love her & I still want her - despite what she's done to me... At the moment the love I have for her is outshining the hate - all I can feel is despair as I'm clinging on to the hopeless thought that she may want me. I don't want to hate her as I know it will spill over & the kids will get affected. We've spent all of our adult life together & she's been with him for a period of months...

Thanks for your comments - they have helped.

I manage change for a living so am all too familiar with the change curve & the pit of despair...

I know I'll recover in time - I just don't want to! I still love & want her...

:o(

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03 Jul 08 #30423 by polar
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I know your feelings but like me you have to move on. I loved her beyond belief but she stopped loving me. How long ago I dont know. Maybe 7 years ago according to information gleaned. My strategy for almost a year now has been as little contact as possible. No meetings, no phonecalls, no txts. I know that contact would only bring back my love for her so for my sake its no contact. Its a case of stop beating myself up. Even today a letter from the solicitor with a small problem regarding transfer of equity sent me down. Take heart in the fact of one posting on the site. Say yes to any invites. Last night I came home feeling great after mixing with a crowd totally out of my old circle. Down I went again with this solicitors letter but the weekend is coming so I look forward to what it might bring. Forget her everyone says. Yep but its damn hard. I have a friend in court today over his kids and two and a half years on he is wetting himself about it. All I can say to you is she doesnt want to be part of life so why are you letting her be part of it.
Things will get better. Its just time.

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