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  • livinginhope
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20 Mar 12 #319233 by livinginhope
Topic started by livinginhope
I know someone who has helped me over the past months.She has allowed me to stay with her when things have been too much for me in the marital home and I''m truly grateful for that.The problem is that I have a feeling she is enjoying the drama of my situation.When I mention that things seem to be going ok with my Divorce and Financial Settlement she instantly points out why we won''t be able to settle amicably,why I''ll be forced to sell my home immediately etc and conversations with her leaving me feel worse than I did before speaking to her.

I honestly don''t think she is saying these things to protect or advise me.She seems to be pleased that my life is changing and I will have to leave my home,down size and have a much reduced income.I feel I would be better to have little or no contact with her in the future but feel indebted to her for her help.

Any ideas on how to handle this situation?

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20 Mar 12 #319239 by WhiteRose
Reply from WhiteRose
Oooooh hugs!

I''m going to have a stab at analysing this :S

I don''t think its the drama - I think your friend likes to be needed. She may feel good about being there for you, that you turn to her for help and comfort, rely on her and that makes her feel good.

If all is going well, you may not need her and she may then want to stir up doubts and concerns for her to be able to care for you.

What do you think?

WR x

  • leftwondering
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20 Mar 12 #319241 by leftwondering
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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude

Folk mainly do it when they have serious doubts/troubles going on in their own lives but don''t want to admit/disclose them.
Makes them feel better about things.

LW

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20 Mar 12 #319242 by stepper
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If she is bringing you down you will need to see less of her.

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20 Mar 12 #319245 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
I think the definition from Wiki linked to from Left wondering''s post seems to fit rather than the explanation from WhiteRose.
I do get the feeling that she would be happy to see me living in circumstances inferior to hers.She does tend to have Lady of the Manor tendencies.
I''m beginning to think it''s probably not a healthy relationship to have but it would be difficult to end now.I''ve already taken steps to reduce contact as I don''t want to feel I must spend every weekend with her but do feel guilty about it.
Can''t believe I''m feeling like this in the middle of my Divorce.I don''t want to be too hasty but don''t want to build up problems for the future either.It makes things worse in that she has mobility problems so she is possibly clinging to me which does fit in with White Rose''s explanation.

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20 Mar 12 #319247 by leftwondering
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Sure livinginhope....

Just use her place when you need to.

She needs/appreciates your company just as much to help solve her own problems which she may or may not own up to after time.

LW

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20 Mar 12 #319253 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
Thanks for your replies.It''s hard not to feel guilty if I feel I''m using her but I suppose I shouldn''t feel like that.I do take her out in my car when I visit so she gains in that way.I need to learn to say that I''d rather not discuss my STBX and the Divorce details as it brings me down and leave it at that.Being assertive doesn''t come easy to me .

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