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Isolation - what can I do to help myself?

  • ponygal44
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23 Mar 12 #319732 by ponygal44
Topic started by ponygal44
Where have I gone wrong? My marriage was long and lonely and nearly three years on I''m still very lonely. I don''t seem to make the right decisions to get my life on track.
I made the mistake of getting involved with a man who wasn''t over his ex and since he went back to her 2 months ago I am really struggling to find my place in life. We live in a small town and most of my froends enjoy drinking but I just don''t feel comfortable any more. With him I enjoyed a great social life but since we split I guess the invitations go to him and his partner, it''s a fact that couples like other couples for company.
Now I am at home alone most days when the kids have gone to school the dogs and cats for company, the radio to make some noise and the internet for contact with the outside world. I potter but feel left out of life. It stinks.
My one good friend has her own life and partner and her own problems but I see her when I can.
I know I''m just going through a bad patch and it won''t be for ever but it''s really tough. I will be starting work in a couple of weeks and that will boost my confidence but it still means that at home it''s just me. My girls are teenagers - busy with school and their own social lives but I worry about the effect of a bored lonely mother on them.
I would appreciate advice on how to move out of this vicious circle of no confidence, no social life etc. I have recently started on adp''s and am seeing a counsellor. Have no family within easy reach either. Feeling so isolated yet live in a lovely little town in beautiful, if economically deprived, part of the world.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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23 Mar 12 #319734 by MrsMathsisfun
Reply from MrsMathsisfun
It really hard being on your own, when you dont enjoy your own company.

When I first divorced my dog and I walked miles and I made myself speak to other dog walkers. At least I had made contact with another adult!

Occasionally I would take a book and sit in a cafe and enjoy watching others whilst pretending to be reading.

I also made sure I had a treat for myself most evening. Nothing fancy. Some nice bubbles, a bag of my favourite crisps.

Hopefully the counsellor will help you find yourself and you will gain back your confidence.

  • raybird
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23 Mar 12 #319739 by raybird
Reply from raybird
im the same as jaymdee, walk the dog for miles every day, always say hi to the other dog walkers, now as me and the other walkers have got to know each other, we often stop for chats, i also joined my local meet up group on the internet, they have coffee mornings, pub quizes, meal nights, group dog walks, ill be honest, i havent attended any yet but i will in the future xxxxxxxxxxx

  • Triste en France
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23 Mar 12 #319758 by Triste en France
Reply from Triste en France
Well, I''m in France, too, in a similar situation - pm me, and we can at least compare notes, if you like...


  • Marshy_
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23 Mar 12 #319780 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi PonyGirl. Sorry you seem to be so down at the moment. But you made a mistake. I can guess why you did it though. And its a mistake that I have made in the past. And there is good and bad news. The good news is that he went back to his wife. And the bad is that you are on your own again.

I know you wont see the good news as good. But think about it. He wasnt yours. This happens a lot with marrieds. Some of them are prone to going back and forth. But at least you are free now to start your life again.

And it wasnt to be. Nothing you could have done would have changed things. And something that is meant to be is easy and just works. This wasnt and didnt.

So just hunker down for a while. Dust yourself off and start again. You have a new job starting. This will lead to new things and perhaps in time, you will meet someone that can commit to you properly. The world rewards tryers. You tried and it didnt work out. You didnt fail, it just didnt work this time. Thats all. But keep trying and it will one day. Seek and you shall find. Best ones and ((((HUGS)))) C.

  • Lostboy67
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24 Mar 12 #319804 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
I know what you mean and understand the struggle you have. You mentioned ADs and councilling, and I''ve been there too, I found that he illness tends to strip you of confidence and so starts a vicious circle, I also found that all of the activities that I had done before just didn''t appeal any more. It takes a while for the ADs to start working, they are not an instant fix and it could take 6-8 weeks to become effective, but stick with them. Hopefully once you start to recover a little your confidence will return a little. I
Here''s something to try, pick 3 activities that you either enjoy or previously enjoyed. Now for next week write in a diary a day when you are going to do each one, and make sure you do them.
I don''t know your age but you might concider joining either a sports club or excersise class something like Zumba or Pilates, there is often the opportunity to chat and socialise with other people there.

The question "Where have I gone wrong" is something I''ve struggled with a lot, the answer is you didn''t, while its true your youthful measure of success may not have been achieved that doesn''t equal failure, just not the type of success you thought. I rationalise it like this, I have two grea children who are happy and doing well at school, I''ve provided them not one but two homes, now the marriage bit didn''t quite hit the mark but all in all what I''ve achieved is far from failure. Most importantly to me I''ve lived and stayed true to my values and maintained my integrity through out.
Think of it this way, Blackpool football club were in the Premiership last year and got relegated, is that failure? Not really for their fans they reached the top level and gave the fans a wonderful time visiting top flight clubs. It didn''t work out in the end and they went down, but they gave it a go but that shouldn''t take away from the success of getting there.

Take care,

  • Canuck425
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25 Mar 12 #319949 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425

I made the mistake of getting involved with a man who wasn''t over his ex and since he went back to her 2 months ago

Can you look at the above as not a mistake but a learning experience. Also, think about how much time it took to invest in that man. Now think about how you could spend that time investing in you!

but since we split I guess the invitations go to him and his partner, it''s a fact that couples like other couples for company.

You don''t know where the invitations go. You don''t. Also, have you done any inviting? Are there people that you can be very specific in asking for help. Can you invite yourself over to their place from time to time and be with them? Also, I disagree that couples want to spend time with couples. I would say that people want to be with people they care about and have fun with. Build on this if you can.

This is really tough stuff and I am gong through the same things. This weekend I went out with two friends on Sat. night, I''m going out on a hike on Sunday and then out with friends for dinner on Sunday night. I had to work really hard to line all that up. I had to be bold and invite myself along on their already made plans in some cases. I was not invited or even thought of. But I reached out and asked and now am welcome. So this weekend I connected with three different groups of people. If I was dating someone I would have likely just spent the time with her and not worked on the friendships. For me, right now, I want to work on myself first, then build friendships. Period. No dating for me for a while (honest)!

Another thing I did today was send a few emails to people here that I know care about me. I confirmed that I will be getting divorced and will need support over the next few months. I also said money will be tight and really I would just like to come over to their house from time to time so I can visit. I have found being very specific with what I want and when really helps. The answers to those emails has been amazing. All have said that I can invite myself over any time. Now I know that people may be busy but I also know that stepping out and putting myself out there is the best strategy for me. It''s hard though.

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