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how stupid am I??

  • agj
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29 Mar 12 #320567 by agj
Topic started by agj
just going through a separation after 15 years of marriage, thought I was doing ok and what do I do? a friend from work asked if he could take me out (he''s in a 5 year relationship)and I said "no" but thanks anyway explaining my current situation. Anyway to cut a long story short he chased me for ages and I suppose the attention felt great (even though I feel stupid now)and we eventually met up a few times. He''s genuinely a nice guy and I thought well it''s only a bit of fun! Anyway he''s called it off saying he can''t handle the guilt! In a way i''m glad but I feel so stupid, angry and unloved. I''ve just given myself more shit to deal with! feel sad, rejected, unwanted and confused. To be honest I wish I could disappear from all this pain.Perhaps I should just go back to my husband - at least I won''t have to worry about being alone forever. Any advice would be so much appreciated

  • CarolB_1958
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29 Mar 12 #320568 by CarolB_1958
Reply from CarolB_1958

I do not think you are not stupid, you were going through a very bad time and he offered you much needed comfort - he took advantage of this.

You do not go into reasons for your separation but you can not just go back so as not to be alone. The original problems will not have just disappeared.

I have often thought the Ex back, having him hold me would be great but it does not change what he did and I know for that reason that I am better off alone.

Stay strong, things will get better again.


  • Young again
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29 Mar 12 #320577 by Young again
Reply from Young again
Hi agj,

There are worse things than being alone, even for ever an on eof those is being in an unemotional relationship where you are ignored as a person. Even worse than that is an emotional relationship in which you are abused.

Being alone does not automatically mean you''ll be unhappy, but it does automatically mean you are free to progress any pursuit(s) you chose. Such opportunity is often only dreamt of by people living ''not alone'' in dead-end marriages.

Please believe me that your pain is temporary, it is more like withdrawal symptoms and it will get better as time passes.


  • Marshy_
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29 Mar 12 #320598 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_

I can understand why you did it. Many of us fall into this trap. You are alone, this man shows you some attention and because you are needy right now, eventually you gave in. But this man is not really interested in you. He may have seem interested. But he wanted a bit of fun on the side. And you got used.

This has to be a lesson for you. There are many out there that as soon as you become single pursue you. And some of them are married or in a relationship. And they see you as easy meat because they think you are desperate or lonely. And they think that they can use you.

You have to be constantly on your guard against people like this. You could have landed yourself in some serious hot water. If she had found out that is.

Far from me to tell you what todo. I made the same mistake as you just have. But we learn by our mistakes. I got involved with a married women. Except she didnt tell me she was married. She wanted a bit on the side. And when I found out, I dumped her. Right away. And she was flabbergasted that I did this to her. But I am not into being used as I am sure your not either. But like you, I was lucky. No one ever came knocking on my door or thankfully, didn''t assault me in the street. But it could have been far worse for you and I. We could have been involved in someone else''s divorce. Perhaps even cited in a divorce petition. Not a good day out for Hector.

What I suggest you do is just get over your split 1st. Be very wary of anyone that shows a lot of interest in you. They may have alterer motives or looking for a bit on the side. And you dont want to I am sure get in involved in someone else''s divorce. Which could happen. Or perhaps his spouse grabbing you out in the street. I am sure that she wouldnt see him meeting you as fun. Quite the opposite in fact.

When you are over the marriage breakup and properly single. There is no reason why you cant meet men for fun. But make sure that they are single also. Then you wont put yrself in a potentially difficult situation. And you will be free to have fun with them and no one is in the way or wont get hurt.

I am sorry to be so hard on you. I suspect that you have been hard on yrself. And I know that you are hurt right now and I am sorry if I have added to your pain. But there isnt a better way that I can say what I needed to say. C.

  • agj
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29 Mar 12 #320606 by agj
Reply from agj
Thanks Carol, even though i haven''t stopped crying!! I know what you say is true. Thanks so much

  • agj
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29 Mar 12 #320608 by agj
Reply from agj
Thanks for the comforting advice. Strange how someones emotions change dramatically.

  • biffy
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29 Mar 12 #320615 by biffy
Reply from biffy
Hey, welcome first of all and no one has the right to judge anyone else because we all have different backgrounds upbringing and MINDS! Life is so very complicated as I''m sure you already know but good on you for facing up to what is real and wanting to change. Take comfort here with people who are in a very similar frame of mind for what they have gone/going through, believe me life is truly what we make it and we have the ability to change and be happy. It will take alot of time and your emotions will be up and down as will your moods but stay with us here in wiki and we shall help you along the way. Keep strong and take baby steps to getting to your happiness once again. Hope I don''t sound too cheesey but have been there and am out the other end now and if I can do it then... best wishes, Elizabeth

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