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Why is he doing this?

  • needingfriends
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03 Apr 12 #321380 by needingfriends
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Ok, so he applied for a contact order, we went to court, the Judge sensibly saw that there was no need. He had refused mediation up to that point - the Judge has ordered that we have to at least attend one session.

We now only communicate via email - he uses the phrase the "Court proposal" - this was a document that he typed himself when he suggested that email be the main form of communication. The Judge on the day didn''t even read it, simply listened to the views of CAFCASS quite rightly. Now, because I''ve texted him a couple of times, he accuses me of breaching the proposal! Last night, he demanded to know where the kids were going to be looked after so that I can go to a wedding, he has said that if they are not with mutual grandparents then he expects to be told who is looking after them. When I did not respond immediately, he threatened further court action. I asked him to stop sending me threatening text messages, he responded by saying he would "take the matter further".

I divorced this man because of his emotionally controlling behaviour and now it seems he is still controlling me by threatening further court action if things don''t go his way. It doesn''t help that his new partner seems to be pulling his strings either.

All I wanted was for us to be civil to each other, he clearly doesn''t want that. But he seems intent on making my life as miserable as possible in the meantime. The stress he is causing me is unbearable, I just don''t know what to do :(

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03 Apr 12 #321384 by jonathancj
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Judges can usually spot a controller within about 5 minutes of a hearing starting and they are not impressed by them. Breaching the proposal means something to your ex and absolutely nothing to the court. The fact that he''s adopting this attitude just reinforces the picture of the sort of person he is. I know it''s hard to do, but you can afford to ignore his communications. The judge is now the person in control and your ex is going to find that a very hard experience - not one that he''s used to at all.

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03 Apr 12 #321392 by needingfriends
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Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. The thing is, I''m continually terrified of what he might do, my worst case scenario is that he will try to take my kids away from me (they are 15 and 8). He only sees them every other weekend and each Tuesday evening as it is, which I think in itself is pretty poor.

He is just turning everything I say into a fight. For example, he is due to pick up the kids for tea tonight. I don''t know what time he is coming, so I have just emailed hiim to say that I should be back well before 5 but any delays to let him know. Now I''m worried in case he is going to send me a snotty reply and suggest that I shouldn''t have made an appointment on the day he is due to have the kids! Can you see the state he has got me in?

I''m waiting for some initial free advice via my Trade Union, I''ve never wanted to have to appoint a Solicitor but I feel I have to do something. I''m scared he will use the fact I''m stressed out against me. Can he insist on knowing where our kids are every moment? And how can I get him to stop sending me these threatening text messages?

I just don''t know what to do or where to turn, I just want this awful, never ending, feeling of worry, stress and fear to go away :((((((((((((

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03 Apr 12 #321438 by Marshy_
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Hi TakeThat...

takethatfan wrote:

I just don''t know what to do or where to turn, I just want this awful, never ending, feeling of worry, stress and fear to go away :((((((((((((


We have seen this sort of behavour many times. You have an in-progress divorce and things have got heated. He is kicking you when he can. And this will last a while yet at least until the divorce is done. So you have to be strong.

What I recomend is this:

Dont respond to requests like;

"he has said that if they are not with mutual grandparents then he expects to be told who is looking after them."

You are the mother of the children. When they are with you, they are under yr care and control. If you choose to take them ______ (insert location here) then thats yr choice. U do it knowing that they are safe. You dont have to justify to anyone who looks after them. And you dont need to explain to him where they are. Unless he asks in a nice way of course. Any sort of demands that have this sort of wording should have no response to them.

So dont respond. If you do, you are handing him a reaction. No response then no reaction can take place. Only respond to requests that have no demands to them like:

"Picking the kids up at 8". Thats an appropriate question or request.

"Picking the kids up at 8 and they had better be ready on time or I will take action against you". This is a not an appropriate request and is fully loaded to goad you into giving him what he needs. Which as I said, is a reaction.

He cant take the kids off you. There is no need to escalate this further. You could get a solicitor involved from the Union or wherever but really, you want this to go away. And it will in time. But you have to stop responding to veiled threats. Its all hot air.

So wise up sister. You are dealing with a vindictive nasty ex. Someone that is hell bent on not being nice. Just wants to cause you hassle and upset you. Dont respond or rise to the bait. Just hit the delete key. C.

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03 Apr 12 #321442 by needingfriends
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Thanks for that reply. I know that ultimately the only way for me to get through this is to find some balls, and quick (pardon the expression).

But......he spent 18 years manipulating me, getting what he wanted by giving me the silent treatment, being nasty, typical passive aggressive behaviour. This is just an extension of that, I guess, this awful feeling of tension and thinking that I''m the one to blame. And only I can stop it, I know. And I want to. But I just don''t know how :(

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03 Apr 12 #321447 by jonathancj
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I suggest that you keep his texts and type them out. They can be shown to the judge at the next hearing and to the mediator. They need to see how he is conducting himself between hearings/mediation sessions.

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