I can''t cry

This week my STBX has moved out of our house and seems quite happy to go and start his new life without me.Also one of my best friends died last week and her Funeral is this Thursday.I''m left feeling almost numb.I feel I want to cry because that may bring some sort of relief but the tears won''t come and I just have a heavy,tight feeling in my chest and throat.I think I''m afraid to start crying in case I can''t stop.

Hello livinginhope,
It a horrible situation you find yourself in. Its something I can relate to, where you just keep putting a brave face on and putting all the things that are ripping you to shreds in a great big box marked ''deal with later''.

Sadly, if that box gets too full, it is like pandora''s box and the lid will blow off, and it will all come rushing out. You havent a hope in hell of getting it all back in the box.

Take yourself out for a really long walk somewhere nice and peaceful, and think about the good and happy times you shared with your best friend. What would she be telling you now? I am sure she wouldn''t be telling you to bottle it all up and keep smiling t the rest of the world would she?

Perhaps if you leave your departing spouse in the ''deal with another day'' box and focus on the more immediate of Thursday. Decide what you are going to wear. Sort out travel arrangements for the day. Packet of tissues. The practical aspects. Once you have a clear plan for Thursday, look back and feel the sense of achievement for having dealt with the bits that you can at the moment.

Your STBX has made his decision over a long period (Weeks and months) and has done his emotional sums over time. You are playing ''catch up''. Rome wasn''t built in a day and dealing with his departure isn''t simply a matter of ticking off a list. But it is the little successes that build your confidence. ''I coped with that! Maybe I can deal with this....'' Where ''that'' was maybe re-taxing the car and ''this'' might be changing the name on the electricity bill....

Go and say goodbye to your friend, but do it on your terms, your way. Because that is how life will be going forward.

Best of luck with Thursday

Mike

Its hard to cry when yr numb. And you have had a double loss. Feeling numb is a way that our mind protects its self during hard times. When its time to grieve for yr friend, you will. Just let it happen. Sorry for yr loss. And a big Marshy ((((HUG)))). C.

Thank you Mike and Marshy.My husband leaving is a relief in a way as we have been living seperately in the same house for months now.I have been keeping my emotions in check just to get through each day,one day at a time.
My friend knew she was dying and was very brave about it all.She has written her own Funeral service so it will be very personal to her.She was the person who knew about my marital problems before anyone else.She was the first friend I made in this area when I moved here shortly after my marriage and had left all my friends and family behind.I will miss her in my life.

I echo the numb feeling and know what you mean. I think it takes a LONG time to come out of numbness as it protects you from so much. I have been doing exercises with my therapist to undo the numb damage and it seems to be working. Tough stuff though...

Hi Livinginhope

I just wanted to echo what the others have said. I don''t think it''s uncommon that you feel so numb. I can empathise as I lost one of my greatest ever friends almost a year ago. She was someone who would have been a great support but I didn''t like to confide in her too much because what she and her family were facing was just too much to comprehend.

It would have been her 56th birthday tomorrow so a group of us who used to walk and cycle together are going for a memorial walk in her honour, on Good Friday. I am sure there will be tears from most of us and yours will come in time. The funeral will be a difficult day for you but just go with what comes naturally. I remember feeling guilty for being in such a mess and trying to be thankful for all the good things in my life, when my friend''s life had ended far too early.

Take care and I wish you strength and peace for the funeral.

It''s often said on wiki that divorce is very like grieving for a death and sadly you have two lots of grieving at once. That''s hard to cope with. When we experience something that causes us to feel shock and sadness, we may withdraw and that''s possibly why the tears won''t come at the moment, as though remaining withdrawn will protect you from the hurt. The sensation of numbness is probably your body''s way of protecting you.

Grief leaves us in shock and for you the divorce and your friend''s death are both raw and fresh at the same time. Trust in your strength and resilience to get you through this.

It''s good that you thought to come and share your feelings with us and I hope it''s helped.

Celebrate your friend''s life and the good times together. Make a solemn promise to her memory that you will live your life to the fullest when you get through this. Hugs xx