Wishing my life away until the FDR

Hi

I am the applicant in my divorce, grounds are UB, Nisi was pronounced in June last year, both of us are using solicitors.

Stbx is considerably wealthier than I, mainly because since we first split in 2004 we have reconciled 3 times - but as I am here, the reconciliations have not worked.

We split the FMH in 2004 but when we finally split in 2011, stbx told me that in 2004 he took legal advice, I didn''t know and i didn''t take advice and it has come to light that he basically screwed me over.

Between 2004 and 2011 I have either bought a house to get away from him or sold to go back to him, he has stayed put, we owned a field together which n 2004 he paid me half of a two year old valuation (under duress, if i did not accept it, he would not move from fmh) remember he took legal advice.

The field has increased in value and in 2010 he sold a small portion of it for 30k (we were together at the time, but i saw not a penny of it). He has had an inheritance from his father for 10k which again, I did not see a penny of. My living inheritance of 37k in 1999 allowed us in essence to buy the field in the first place (I used it to reduce our mortgage on fmh so when field came up, we could remortgage to buy the field outright) - we have horses.

Also in 2010, during a blip (one of many) I addressed my unhappiness at how the split of the field was dealt with in 2004, he said if he sold any more of it or sold it altogether he would give me some money - he denies this now

His ongoing treatment of our son was the final cause of our split, he was full of promises and he would change - he never did but i loved him (why?) and believed him (stupid) but his pet name for our son was thick c**t - he adored /adores our daughter, son is now 19 and has nothing to do with him, changed his name, says he has no father - daughter is 23. I have a good relationship with both.

Enough of the background, why I am posting in Depression/Stress is that a couple of weeks ago, joint friends told me that although they would not take sides, (and so far haven''t) they do not understand why I am going for a financial settlement and think I should just walk away.

This has really knocked me for six and made me question everything. I believe stbx screwed me financially in 2004, tried to take my daughter away (she chose to live with him, to "look after him") wasn''t interested in our son, then promised me he would change, wormed his way back under my skin, got me back, didn''t follow through, caused me huge distress over our son, and this pattern continued until I finally had enough and left in 2011.

I have gone from a "glass half full" person, who could hold her head up, believing I am doing the right thing and redressing the unfair balance over the last eight years - happily eating value beans, counting every penny, living on overdraft, to someone who only goes up to check the horses when she knows he won''t be there (my two horses are still in the field, I cannot afford to put them in livery), checking Tesco car park for his car so we don''t bump into each other. Someone who goes to work, comes home, sleeps (eventually) gets up, goes to work etc etc.

I am grumpy, snappy, stressed to the point of breaking, for the first time since my son and I left in 2011 I feel I can''t cope. I put on a brave face but am crumbling inside.

We both have solicitors, I work for the same firm as mine, (thank god) and am not paying for his work, so far just the court fees and Barrister''s Advice. Both my solicitor and the Barrister say I have a good claim that I will be able to secure my future. Stbx is worth around 275k, me about 49k. The field is the biggest part of my claim - valued at 190k, also his pension which although is not worth much, in 2005, I sold my house to go back to him, paid his mortgage off, did up his house and spent a lot of what was left over on our lifestyle, holidays etc. When i left, he paid me back the money i spent on paying off his mortgage and doing up his house by mortgaging his house and drawing down 15k from his pension, a point he denied but his solicitor has now documented he did.

My solicitor says his solicitor''s tone has dramatically changed in recent weeks, we have answered questionnaire on my form E, he so far has not. My solicitor says that if he were advising stbx, he would be telling him to get his chequebook out, and feels from the tone of his sol''s letters, she is backing down a lot.

My point is, given that my sol is not being paid for his work, why would he say I have a claim if i did not, what is the point of him doing all this work if stbx is going to win? Barrister agrees.

I feel I am being seen as a greedy b**ch who should be walking away. Most people don''t know the truth of the DV - the mind games, the bullying, the awful treatment of our son and the difference in treatment of our daughter. I haven''t slagged him off to friends, allowed them to think that we had a happy marriage, which I suppose is why they are judging me now.

I have been through so much in my marriage, he was never around when the kids were young, choosing to stop off at the pub on the way home from work, eventually got caught drinking and driving, i have worked most of my adult life, apart from when the kids were very young, i have had ovarian cancer, thankfully i am still here. I am a strong person and just got on with it but now when the end is in sight, I am falling apart.

I seem to be existing until the FDR, hoping upon hope that the DJ will understand that stbx''s opinion that it will go all the way to FH because he wants to keep everything to himself is the wrong one and sets out what he would order as if it were a FH. Stbx will have a huge solicitor bill if he does push it to FH as well as a Barrister, I have been told by the joint friends that he does not want to have a Barrister at FH but has been told he has got to have one.

I am sorry this is such a ramble, I just decided to sit down and write what comes from my heart, I don''t know what I want to hear back from you wonderful wiki peeps, I just want this to be over so that I can move on, move my horses and enjoy them again - eat something tastier than value beans on occasion and watch the sun come up on a day that I am looking forward to be part of

If you have stuck with me to the end of this, thank you xxx

Epi,

Your solicitor would not be doing this if he thought it wasn''t worth it.

You just have to hold on a bit longer.
Like you say, you haven''t told anyone what went on in the marriage so take no notice of your friends, you know what happened so stick to your guns.

This going back and to has been going on so long you need to see it through to the close, so you can find some peace and get on with your life.

Keep your head up and keep fighting you will get there in the end.
Keep posting on here for support we are all here for you.

A big hug for you ((((((Epi))))))

My advice DO NOT walkaway. Most joint friends do not stay totally impartial, it is practically impossible.
But I may be wrong. Maybe they think it may be too stressful, but they are thinking emotionally. You must think with your head, practically! Think for you and your son.
You need to secure your future, you have a case - go with it.
Do it for you and your son! What kind of man could be so nasty to their own flesh and blood.
Lastly, I have horses too - not cheap. You fight for every penny!
The glass will fill and brim over in your favour - just give it time!

I know how you feel as me and mine live in the same village. Don''t worry about what joint friends say as often people assume that the man is the one who has put all the finances into a marriage and the woman has done nothing.

The fact that you have come and gone may well lead others to think that you are always depending upon him but they do not know the ins and outs of what you have done (and what you have spent and lost - you may reget it now but no point crying over what is lost).

Lets hope that at the FDR you get an indication of what is the outcome - as if you do then both of you would be foolish to carry on to a final hearing.

Boy would I have appreciated it if in my divorce there had been a ruling at the FDR. Just make sure in your own head that you are sure of what your solicitor is going to be arguing for on your behalf and what the reasons are and that you believe them to be reasonable.

Attempt to keep all the other issues from crowding your head.

I do remember some of your posts from before. About time you got an end to this nightmare.