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Is it my fault?

  • perin123
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09 Apr 12 #322615 by perin123
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So after nearly 2 years on this rollercoaster and I still ask the question.

Is it my fault? It is, otherwise he would not have had to look elsewhere. I know after 17 years things become routine and that routine sometimes gets you down, but I did try to do everything as best I could, but it wasn''t good enough?

If only he had told me what was wrong, why didn''t he? Did he try but I wasn''t listening?

Because of this my family has fallen apart and my son is in turmoil. It''s not supposed to be like this.

  • sillywoman
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09 Apr 12 #322618 by sillywoman
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Perin sweetheart, no of course it is not your fault!

My ex was cheating on me before he met me! What I mean is he was a police officer and had "booty calls" which he continued after he met me. Of course I didn[''t know at the time or I wouldn''t have married him. Icaught a disease after our first daughter was born within the first year and a bit of marriage. I kicked him out then had him back. And the affairs continued, the treadmill continued, we had 2 more daughters, until one day nearly two years ago he left for the one at the time and I didnt have him back!

Were all those affairs my fault??? Of course not, he is an adequate insecure little shit. Lol, hahaha, he is bitter and twisted and blames me for the fact he is still with the latest woman. What the heck???? He says I should have kicked him out years ago. He says he would have been able to have a new family then!

Since he met his latest and I wont have him back and have divorced him he had become unbearable. Cancelled our daughters'' cheap mobile phone contracts and stopped paying maintenance and mucks the CSA about.

If your ex had ONE decent bone in his body he would be contributing to your sons upkeep and certainly wouldn''t be fighting for a few quid out of the house that homes his son.

I had alot of counselling to see that my horrible little shit of an ex husband is exactly that and his cheating miserable ways were nothing to do with me.

Perin, your husband is worthless, you will see that in time xx

  • fairylandtime
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09 Apr 12 #322620 by fairylandtime
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Perrin ((((hugs)))) don''t beat yourself up it is not your fault, these things happen people change, grow apart, values & priorities change.

Try relate book (have a happy divorce) - I think the title is, it takes you through your actions & reactions & really helped me.

As for your sone yes this is the heartbreaking bit, I know my son is struggling (3years on) & we have our moments, would help if x was more involved but nothing I can do about that (you cannot "fix" it) you just have to work with what you have & do your best.

You are doing well, do your best for your son, look after yourself & stay strong.

JJx

  • Canuck425
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09 Apr 12 #322642 by Canuck425
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Why does it have to be someone''s fault? can you be ok with knowing that you did the best you could with the tools and information you had at the time?

Try to let it go as this is not a useful line of thought. Now, can you do better in the future? Of course! What have you learned about yourself in this process? How have you changed, developed and grown? What are you doing to ensure that you do not carry dysfunction into your next relationship? These are the questions I am working on.

  • lozzsa21
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09 Apr 12 #322646 by lozzsa21
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NO it most certainly is not. Please believe me, it isn''t your fault it''s your exes. He decided to look elsewhere rather than appreciate what he had. His choice. Some people are just like that it wouldn''t have made a jot of difference what you did, he was looking for a ''thrill'' like all the others no doubt. Mine looked elsewhere and enjoyed ''sexting'' as it made him feel wanted. Did he think I felt wanted while he laid around doing that, whilst I sorted the kids, the house and worked? Seriously? They are selfish selfish selfish people who only think of themselves.

Try not to dwell on thoughts like this, it will only make you feel worse. Accept you did all you could, and try to move on. I doubt he''s torturing himself is he?

  • Lostboy67
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10 Apr 12 #322676 by Lostboy67
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Hi Perrin,
Does it matter? I have put myself through this particular mill...and it does you no good at all. Maybe it was my fault, maybe it wasn''t, personally I don''t think it was but there you go. I know I can hold my head up and say I did all that I could to make things work, and I lived my life thus far true to my values.
Even if it was you fault, and don''t ever believe that it was, there is no way to change the past you can only look to the future and do the best you can again.

LB

  • polar
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10 Apr 12 #322679 by polar
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Nope its not your fault . Why should it be when the other was playing around. ?
If another is blaming you and using this as an excuse then they are only transferring their guilt onto you.

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