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Is it my fault?

  • Shoegirl
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10 Apr 12 #322688 by Shoegirl
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I think being left by a Stbx who lied and cheated causes trauma. No doubt about it. We are left wondering what on earth happened and more specifically what we need to learn from this nightmare.

I think is is absolutely vital to work out what happened and why. It has been for me anyway. I was not going to skip over my pain and be left with any nagging doubts or fears about commitment in the future. It mattered to me hugely why I ended up in the relationship I did and why it ended so very badly. I wanted to know, understand and come to terms with what exactly had led me into a relationship with a man who was capable of treating me so badly and with such contempt at the end. If I understood this, then I hoped that it would increase my chances of being able to live successfully as a single person free of the anger and pain of his life choices.

I waned to ensure that I understood what bits I needed to take responsbiliity for and what bits were down to his issues.i wanted to be free from my past and have a deep acceptance from my awareness and understanding.

I bang on about counselling on the site a lot. It''s for a reason. I don''t have any questions now. All of my questions were answered and more through this process. I have a deep understanding and interestingly some of the posts on here gained from the insight have attracted some very interesting, at times quite personal comments, which I chose to ignore. I chose to believe in the process and the qualification and experience of my counsellor rather than accusations on posts that I was raking over things or beng accused of rumination. Massively unhelpful actually, but i made sure that none of this undermined the progress I was making. I digress. This is about you.

The process of counselling has set me free. No amount of reassurance offered to me at the start that it was not my fault set me free from those nagging doubts on where the responsbiliity lies. Like silly woman, counselling set me free. I suggest that if you are left wondering that you consider the same for yourself. Just make sure you get a good therapist.

How to describe the outcome for me of counselling. It''s like someone has set me free. Every nagging doubt, every question answered. I get it totally, even the bits that I am responsible for, the things that led me to love someone capable of treating me so badly. In my case, it''s true what they say, the truth really has set me free.

Only you can decide Perin whether you think you can skip over the pain, the doubts or whether you want to examine what has happened and learn exactly what you need to from the marial breakdown. I was in the latter category. It was the best decision I ever made. I think my outcomes in life wil be better because of my deep understanding and self insight. But then this is always a highly personal choice. I hope that sharing my experiences will help others understand what has made the difference for me and where I have got so much strength from.

I''m happier than I ever have been because I understand me and what I need in my future. To do that I needed to let go of my past. I''m free now to move on without my future being contaminated by what he did and the choices I made to be with someone like that. So, I hope these reflections will help you think about the right way to move forward from these questions or doubts you have on the past Perin.

Take cae

  • soulruler
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10 Apr 12 #322689 by soulruler
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If you have a conscience you will have a tendency to beat yourself up and the other party will firstly allow that and secondly no doubt enjoy it.

I was reading your other thread to which Haway contributed about making an offer. First of all I thought that Hawy was being his usual hardcore funny but then I realised that what he posted was exactly what happened to you and was not a twisted version of events.

I think that the truth is that your husband is responsible for the way he has left you and the debts he wants to land you with (and the agony he is inflicting upon you now and your son).

Don''t beat yourself up about all of this, you may not have been able to see him for what he was whilst you were living with him (me and silly woman are great examples of that - rose tinted spectacles).

Take off those glasses, recognise that in many ways you were wrong to give unconditional love to him and do your best to look forward and move on.

One day he will get the message that you are just not interested in his spiteful games and attempts at revenge any more (that is really what I believe it is otherwize he simply would not behave in the disgraceful manner that he is).

Love is not about punishing the other when you leave and in that respect do not punish yourself and involve yourself in too much soul searching - I think life sucks and that is pretty much it as my son says, no point crying over spilt milk.

  • Young again
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10 Apr 12 #322691 by Young again
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Hi Perin,

To add my tuppenceworth; it is not your fault.

That is it in essence. You have had some very good responses, but in essence whatever the ups and downs of a marriage, spousal betrayal is never a natural option. Your H chose to act the way he did through his own free will. He could have spoken with you, he could have voiced any number of things on his mind at any time, as could you.

That''s one of the things about a strong relationship, good communication. He chose to keep quiet and slope off for affairs not as any consequence of your action/inaction, but because he felt like it.



  • perin123
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10 Apr 12 #322906 by perin123
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Thank you all.

I know I did things that were wrong and when it all kicked off I looked deep into our relationship and admitted where I had gone wrong, all things that could be fixed.
But my ex actually never admitted anything, he blamed it all on me. In fact one of his parting lines was "If you had tried harder I would still be here"

The sad thing is that if he had said something long before he had "already left", maybe we would have stood a chance...but then when there is someone else in the wings.......

And when he left, he said "we are not just having time apart, we are splitting up". But it was him who kept coming round, telling me he missed me, sleeping with me, taking me out... Even when I knew he had moved in with her, he still kept "sexting" me, constantly.

And then she found out, and he turned into a monster. Well they are a good match, they are both liars, and if ex can stoop so low as to treat his own son so appallingly then I am better off without him....

  • MrsMathsisfun
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10 Apr 12 #322916 by MrsMathsisfun
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I don''t think you could have done anything differently.

All you can do is accept the part you played and move on.

Hopefully one day you will use this understanding in a new relationship and not make the same mistakes again.


  • Canuck425
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10 Apr 12 #322924 by Canuck425
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Yeah - you''ll make new ones :P!

Really though just be at peace knowing that you did your best with the information, tools, skill and time that you had. I know I did. Could I have done better. Oh yes! I have learned a lot though and I will be better in my next relationship. For sure.

  • Mitchum
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10 Apr 12 #322938 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
Good for you Perin.

I''ve read your story from your first posts and it''s good to see you''re finding the strength to refuse to accept the ''blame'' for not being a perfect wife to his imperfect husband. ''If you''d tried harder''? What''s that about? You had to work harder to keep him when he''d already effectively gone?

It was his choice to leave in the end after much toing and froing, when he could have tried harder to put things right. Now you must choose to put yourself and your son first.

Forget the failed wife scenario. You''ll find that people are attracted to you just for being you, a warm and lovely person and a great Mum!

Keep walking Perin. You''re doing brilliantly. M xx

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