feeling desperate

My ex left nearly a yaer ago having walked out on me in the middle of the night. |Since then he has assaulted me, broken into my home twice, refused to speak to me (I have been very verbally abusive to him), treated ne as if I was no better than the dirt on his shoes, lied constantly - he doesn''t even know he does it - bullied and manipulated me, tried to get me to agree a financial agreement by email and without disclosing all his assets (I didn''t agree to this) etc etc. He even told me incredulously that ''it was if I was trying to drive a wedge'' between him and the ***** he left me for! I did reply that I was hardly going to invite them for dinner.
I live in constant fear of seeing him with her as he only lives down the road - he has a postal address for legal reasons but definitely lives with her.
He is a lawyer and so is she! A word of warning, be careful who you trust!
Nearly a year down the line I am on anti-depressants and antihypertensives, pretend to my friends that I am getting better but spend most nights bereft, crying, afraid, hurt, anxious and struggle to take my own advice to others that there will be a better future and that I will be O.K.
I want to feel better. I''ve tried internet dating because I think I need the closeness of being with someone but am really not ready - got as far as the odd meal. My life has been turned upside down. I never saw it coming and I feel totally disempowered and helpless. He on the other hand swapped me for his slag and carries on as if nothing has changed.
My only consolation is that he never had a great relationship with our children and the one he did have was nurtured by me. I no longer do this - they are adults - and in time he will have nothing with them. I feel sorry for them but they have a lot of better role models than he ever was or is.
I''m sorry this sia rant but I feel so vulnerable and alone and although my wonderful friends and my counsellor are always there for me, sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.
My heart bleeds for everyone out there that is in this position. I know there are a lot of you. I would never wish tis on anyone - except him and his slag of course!

Oh dear I so so feel for you after reading this. I am in a similar state right now - my wife moved all her furniture and clothes out just a week ago. Difference here in that her relationship was with a demon called alcohol which made her violent and very very argumentative.
I have had loads of words of insperation from friends which I find to be of great comfort.
This is the third bout of great hurt I have had and I speak from past experiences here. Dont go down the route of internet dating I met some well troubled people on there and as you discovered it doesnt really do anything for you to lift your spirits.
You will know when you are ready to venture onto another relationship and my advice to you is to enjoy your own company get out there as well and interact with some genuine people. As soon as my wife left I felt as though I had been hit by a train - it is devastating but hey the very next night I was out. I will not stay indoors and feel sorry for myself it only prolongs the process !
Take comfort from the fact that you are NOT alone there are many people on here in the same situations.
Another recommendation dont be afraid of seeing your ex just make certain you look good and hold your head up high, fill yourself with confidence - you deserve way better than what you had.
That hurt will subside, I promise.
Just look after yourself, take care and me and everyone else on this site are right behind you.

Hi yellowrose & ((((hugs)))

It is early days for you 1 year on, have you divorced / sorted out your finances yet?

My X use to "visit" & take the stuff he felt was his in the first year, I didnt mind him taking the stuff (just wish he had mentioned it before i needed it) but it is really unsettling having your (or at least the house you live in) visited in this way. If I forgot where I put something then I would think he''d been in - paranoia.

I am 2 year in now, & I can honestly say I no longer hate my X, I have my moments when I feel he is unjust / hurtful to our kids but that''s it. It is a nice place to be, because it means X no longer has a hold on me.

We will alway have a connection because of the kids & this bu**** me a bit esp when I am expected to drop here / pick up there etc etc, but no getting away from that.

Look after yourself & try and get things sorted out so YOU can also move on . . be in a position to change the keys (if you take over the FMH or another) etc etc.

Was always told by X there was no one else, however, friends & family say different, but if it was so & we met I would shake her hand & thank her from the bottom of my heart as she did US a favour in the long run.

Stay Strong JJx

(((Hugs))). We are here for you and know how hard it is ,when the one you trusted most in the whole world,tries to destroy you.
Remember that you deserve to be treated properly and that one day, as everything does, this will pass.
Your time will come-meanwhile look after yourself, love your family and remember that you are not to blame-stand strong and don''t give in to his bullying tactics.
Have you taken any legal advice? It sounds like you need to speak to someone.
Leave the dating for the moment-you''re not ready.

thanks everyone for your words of support.
Divorce and financial arrangements had to be stopped after my projected bill was £20,000. He was being obstructive, not providing stuff that was asked for, pushed my bill to £4,500 and because lawyer thought we would get no-where without going to court the projected bill arrived.
Scared me to death. Just don''t have that sort of money.
Latest is have restarted divorce - plan to stop at Nisi to buy time - but done nothing about finances. He has ''appointed'' a lawyer who has asked for outstanding financial stuff from me. My reply - no problem but I want the outstanding financial details from him. Still waiting for a reply.
Fully expect to have to represent myself if it goes to court - and I can''t see that it won''t. He will try and deny me anything he can get away with because he''s driven by money. Uses his age as an argument - he''s 58. Should have thought about thqat before he started s....ing her on her office desk.
Lawyer says family courts are very forgiving but I''ll be up against him, her (a divorce lawyer) and his lawyer! I know Erin Brokovich did it but not sure I''m really cut out for it. No choice though.
One thing for sure I''ll need you all every step of the way.
Thankyou again