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  • PickleWitch
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17 Apr 12 #324556 by PickleWitch
Topic started by PickleWitch
Its been 8 weeks since i left the marital home after my ex told me he didn''t love me. After i left he said that didn''t have to move out, that we could have carried on living together, but no i stayed at my parents with 2 teenage children and they helped me rent a house and furnish it, mainly to get the kids settled. (daughter is about to take her gcse''s) At first i knew he had been down, distant since around last August/Sept but i put it down to him working all the time and having money worries.
When we had the nice weather a few weeks ago i went back to our house to collect some summer clothes and he wasnt in, even tho it was after 9am the house was locked up, lights on and the bed not slept in. He arrived home a short while later carrying clothes telling me he had slept at a friends house, a friend who he went to school with and who he had been talking to on facebook. I was devastated, i always had a bit of hope we could work things out. Once again my Parents scraped me back off the floor, i filed for divorce and have tried to carry on. He ignores the kids, and although older 18,16 it hurts them. He has seen them once in 2 weeks and turned up with a £1 easter egg for them. We have been texting and speaking to each other but last week i couldnt take it anymore. When he was here he wanted to kiss me and have sex, i just couldnt cope with that knowing he was still seeing this woman although he says they are only friends.
I told him i didnt want to speak to him anymore, and for him not to come to my house. He has been horrible to the kids again so last night i asked him when he has days off to tell me and he could make arrangements to take the kids for tea etc. Today my daughter says she wants to out with her friends at the weekend so i text him to see when he is off and he hasnt replied or text the kids. I know deep down he is out with her today, and it''s killing me.
I just want to scream and cry, it hurts so much that he thinks so little of us, especially the kids. We have been together 18 years.
I would love to know what he has told this other woman, she knew he was married so why? I wrote her a letter explaining what life is like at the moment for us and what led up to me leaving him. I havent been nasty or threatening to her in the slightest even tho i feel like i could give her a slap if ever i seen her. My friend told me to post it as it was written from the heart, what do you think? should i?
I am broken, i cant see anyway of this ending. I have to be strong for my kids but its so hard. I feel like im a failure, and embarrassment, i feel ashamed. Although i feel like i dont know him anymore, my baby wouldnt do this to me, i would love for him to say i do love you.
I know it would never work tho.
Please help, im sinking and this jealousy is killing me x

  • Mitchum
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17 Apr 12 #324565 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
Hello PickleWitch,
Welcome to wiki. You will find people here know how you''re feeling and will reach out to help you through this very sad episode in your life. You are at the crucial very early stage when emotions are raw and you are literally in shock, so it''s good that you have your parents and friends for support.

If you have decided that there''s no going back then it might help to get some counselling to help you to come to terms with what''s happening.

I know it''s hard to acknowledge but he''s probably been planning this for some time and now he''s laid his cards on the table and it hurts. His relationship with his children is his responsibility and sadly he seems to be making a mess of that too.

Take some time to get information about your rights re the house and all joint assets. It''s difficult to take in when your head is reeling, so don''t make any rash decisions without checking things out. Just take things a day at a time.

Call the free helpline number at the top of the home page and discuss your options with a friendly person who''s been where you are now. Clarify questions in the Forum here and you might consider taking advantage of the free consultation some lawyers offer.

Sorry you''re going through this but being a wiki member will make it easier for you. xx

  • tigger64
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17 Apr 12 #324586 by tigger64
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A lot of us have gone through what you are going through right now, jealousy is natural but I wouldn''t give her a letter, she doesn''t care about you or the children, leave him and her alone and tell him to leave you alone, it will get easier. I still get jealous after 2 years, when you love somone with your heart and soul you can''t comprehend what they have done, it WAS NOT your fault, you should NOT be ashamed and he is the failure, believe that and you will be fine - trust me. I hope the hurt goes away soon for you.

  • Barbs
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17 Apr 12 #324595 by Barbs
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Hi PickleWatch

So sorry that you are here. I can sympathise. I was married well over 20 years & he is now living with the other woman so I understand the hurt. He met her on Facebook & the rest is history as they say. A common story but so hurtful.

I''m 18 months further along than you & I still want to ask her why she did this to me & my family but really it wasn''t just her. Yes, she has questionable morals but my husband was a willing participant. A man I no longer know or understand.

Please my gut feeling is do not send the letter. It''s good to write it down as a form of therapy but it will achieve nothing if sent. Burn it. In a few weeks you will regret it wondering if they are both reading it & laughing at your pain, even if they are not. Do not leave yourself open to further hurt.

My impression from this site is that the other woman rarely "gets" it. They never truly understand the devastation caused, the hurt & the pain. They are living in the moment.

Has your friend suffered a marriage break-up ? If not then be careful, their advice is well meant but not always the way forward.

This site provides a way to let off steam, to rant, to cry in the company of others. It also provides a support network that is invaluable. Emotionally & practical.

Others may have a different position on sending the letter but it''s worth reading all points of view to fully grasp any implications.

I am not into virtual hugs but please stay strong & run any problems past the wiki members as they have all been there & truly understand.


  • flowerofscotland
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17 Apr 12 #324629 by flowerofscotland
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Hi PickleWitch,

Hello and welcome to Wiki. I am so sorry you find yourself here. It is a life changing event for sure.

Please, please take things easy on yourself. Look after NO 1 as you need the strength for your children. Eat little and often, soup and yoghurt will see you through the first few weeks, and try to exercise daily, walking is a great way to clear your head.

You will find this period hard, you will start to uncover the real truths behind your husband''s elusive behaviours since last year.

Your priority is to allow yourself space from this man. Shoegirl''s Blogs on the no contact rule can help you there.

Just remember that the OW is just a symptom in what may be a much bigger problem. As some wise old Wiki said to me once, let her have your sloppy seconds.

Nobody deserves to be treated with such contempt, and that includes your children. There is no excuse for adultery, however they dress it up!

Like Mitchum said, counselling is a fantastic outlet for you, your GP can always recommend you a good one in your local area. Lean on Wiki, you are not alone. There are so many of us here who have been hurt and betrayed by the very ones we pledged to keep safe and secure.

Wishing you well and take care for now FoS x

  • maisymoos
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18 Apr 12 #324652 by maisymoos
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Hi and welcome

You will be feeling a whole array of emotions at the moment. It can truly feel like a bereavement when this happens (I remember well). Do not send the letter, longer term you will wish you hadn''t the other posters are right the OW will not give a damn, women that do this can not see that they are in the wrong at all.

I remember the OW in my exs life saying to someone "well, their marriage was over a long time before I was on the the scene" - funny that , I would have thought I would have perhaps had an inkling that my marriage was over or someone may have mentioned it to me :huh:but no these women will say what they want to protect themselves and their actions.

I know this will be little comfort at the moment but things will get slowly easier, focus on a day at a time. Jealousy is a natural emotion too you have a right to feel it just do not show it to the other side, as hard as this may be.

Take Care

  • Marshy_
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18 Apr 12 #324660 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi PW. It is hard separating after 18 years together. When its obvious that he is with that OW.

I know right now that you hate her and think that she has taken him away from you but you dont know what has gone on between them. I know that you would like the send that letter to put the record straight, but I wouldnt send it. It will just reinforce what he has probably said about you. They are both at fault here as it takes two to tango and she knew that he was married with a family. But she still went ahead. Doesnt say a lot about her right?

I know its going to be tough. But I would keep him at arms length for as long as you can because in all likelihood, if you met him, you would crumble. And this will set you back a long way if you slept with him. He is with someone new. What does it say about him if he wants to sleep with you? Not a lot right? Also, he cant think much of her now can he? Try and stay away from him. Then you wont have to face upto this until you are a lot stronger and you wont crumble.

He wont see much of the kids and I know you feel for them not seeing their dad much. But what you have to do (and I know this is hard) is keep out of the relationship that the kids have with him. Dont big him up to them. But dont rubbish him either in front of them. It will be hard as you want to tell the truth. But you cant. At 16 and 18, they are nearly adults. And they will work it out for themselves.

Lastly, try and take care of yrself. U have been thru a heck of a lot. And this is not yr fault. But it will seem like it is. The best thing you can do is let this man go. Let her have him. They deserve each other and frankly, you deserve better than him. C.

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