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thoroughly miserable

  • Crumpled
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19 Apr 12 #325145 by Crumpled
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hi having a bad day/week why is it even though I have had enough of stbx and cant see anyway forward apart from a divorce( tried counselling of course it was all about what was wrong with me ... in the sessions he agreed things such as he would give me the code to his phone restart bank statements etc which he never did) the final straw that broke the proverbial with me was when he took our children on holiday (i was not allowed to go )and the first time they got me alone when they came back they told me to get rid of him and that i was too good for him etc etc as he had spent the whole holiday texting/bbm other women ...yes more than one and not particularly trying to hide it from them which i find laughable as they are 19 and 14 and both very intelligent top 5% teaching group girls!!!!He also was sneaking out every night when he thought they were asleep.
The only good thing if you can call it that is I have tried to protect my children from most of this and i think at times they were beginning to believe i was some strange nutter but now they have seen him for exactly for what he is with their own eyes.
He still denies there is any one else but anyway hes gone off to his rented flat....taken his very expensive convertible sports car with him...even though is in the middle of central london and is coming back apparently sometime over the weekend...
why then is it after all of this rubbish and i know what i have to do i am back to square one and crying all of the time ...why do i miss him so when i know the real him that i know isnt there anymore
i wish i could just turn this off
i know things will get better but i feel so down yet again!!

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19 Apr 12 #325164 by fairylandtime
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Hi livingintheday

Is it that you miss him or miss the idea of him - by that I mean that I use to paint this rosy picture of my X & life with X after he left, until I sat there one day (after thinking if X was here then we would be doing ..rosy picture again. & thought hang on a minute we probably wouldn''t be doing that anyway we would have been arguing or avoiding each other or he would be out (with whoever) etc.

I think the 60 day no contact rule is a good idea if you can try it & then for every rosy thought you have re missing x rebutted with a true thought of this might just help you see as I did.

Hope this makes sense - am having a horrible horrible week myself! After loads of deadlines at work & loads of work, with a surprise sols statement (no invoice just a demand for £) (6 months after dv was over??!!) - thoroughly fed up, ESP when x messing about with C Maint again

The joys of life :S

Your kids are right you are better off but sometimes it is hard just to plough on but you will do it

Stay strong
JJx

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19 Apr 12 #325174 by Crumpled
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Hi Fairylandtime
i think you are right i have tried not to contact him this week since he stomped out on sunday but in a way it was quite strange i had theatre tickets booked for tuesday and he rang ne on monday which was a surprise asking how i was and that he wanted to come (was with my daughters)
anyway we went he arrived about 10 mins before the start and shoved us all into a cab at the end so quickly we didnt even say goodbye to him...he texted my daughter the next day to say he hadnt spoken to us after as he didnt want to miss our train !!
he then rang the next evening but made it very clear he was only ringing to check that our eldest had got back to uni ok (i had just got back from an 8 hour round trip to take her i also have a broken rib at the moment.. and to let me know he had our sons car insurance document in his bag
apart from that was cold and aloof..
he is also pulling some other strokes as well such as taking my visa card away and giving me a tight budget(i had to borrow money from my eldest daughter for our train tickets to london which my youngest one pointed out very forcefully shall we say to her daddy) he paid my eldest back and gave me 20 for the cab fare back to the station!!...this is the man who gave 10,000 to one of his women!!....sorry for the long post i should start a blog!!

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19 Apr 12 #325183 by fairylandtime
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Hi livingintheday

It is part of a control thing you know, the calls etc. I found in the first 6 months of our split I think I talked to x more then than I had in the last 3 yrs of marriage lol I even mentioned it to a friend ... On the lines that I wished he''d stop calling.

Do you work? I think you need to get some financial independence even if it is an agreed Smaint or child support, this is all part of the control thing & by gaining financial independence (even of sorts) it will help you in the long run, for self esteem & just confidence (says she whose skint - got tutoring for one of my kids this wkends A levels & only thing I can think of is what do we cut out to afford this!) while x sitting pretty, no debts, no responsibilities ..... Ranting sorry

You mentioned that x said it was all your fault (counselling) try relates "have a happy divorce .. How to" book this takes you through a list of actions & your reactions. Helped me see where sometimes my reactions caused the issue but also helped me to see that I had tried my best, wasn''t all my fault (both to blame) & helped me come to terms with the decision to divorce. If you ask x it was all my decision - but if you ask me on a good day I''d say a joint decision & on a bad day that it was due to x''s walk out.

With kids you did still have to keep in contact with x, plus if like me you do rely on the funds from x it''s really hard - sometimes which I''d just walked myself & bu*****d off abroad to work or something but you can''t with kids, they keep you going (love them to bits) but at the same time it''s a struggle ESP when you don''t have same standards / was of reacting as your x. I.e. is it right to have a chat & pint with your teenager when they have sch the next day & are under age anyway GRR!!!

I am waffling & ranting again now.

Try the book, gain as much financial independence as you can & show your x 1 that you can do it without him, 2 that you can be cool with him as well (treat him like a business call polite but no emotion).

Good luck JJx

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20 Apr 12 #325303 by Crumpled
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Thankyou so much for your replies and i hope things are better with you today.
you are right about the control thing etc my stbx never wanted me to work we met at uni and i had a really good job when we married and had our first baby but he was desperate for me to give up work and stay at home with the children i have also been offered several jobs over the years and he always found a reason for me not to take it....his earnings are in seven figures.most recently i was our parish clerk for 3 years but he made me give it up as it made me old!!!
he is having a massive mid life crisis it has come out that his dad did the same thing to his mum at the same age but of course that was a different era and they stayed together...i have known him for 30 years and his mum has not shared a bedroom with his father all of that time which i just realised the other day made her about 43 when i first knew her....
he was the loveliest man and father but he is beyond recognition for me now...
i think some of what he is doing is a nasty game in the build up to him filing for a divorce and getting in before me so to speak....am i paranoid
things such as although he is renting looking to buy he still maintains that this is his family home and comes home every weekend
taking my visa card away and giving us a tiny budget which he said if it wasnt enough he would increase it but when i asked him he refused..i have 41.00 in my bank account for the rest of this month...
he has put our phone bill online so we no longer get a paper statement but he can see who i am ringing etc....mysteriously my mobile phone has also gone missing
these are just a few things but there are many more examples i coulld ramble on about
He is also pushing me like crazy to get a job....i have a third interview soon so fingers crossed......this is one thing my solicitor told me not to do but i think you can cut off your nose to spite your face so to speak so i will take it if i am offered it.....he says he has not had legal advice.............sorry to ramble on

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20 Apr 12 #325307 by rasher
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Im not surprised you''re thoroughly miserable, what an awful situation to be in. You need a game plan!

You are clearly an intelligent person who has worked out quite alot, I get that you love him and you have invested alot in your family and home life.

However - you have had the foresight to get some legal advice (good for you) I doubt very much that he hasnt but there you go. Your children are aware and support you so no need for a tug of war there - they are old enough to know you are both their parents - its his stupidity if he exposed them to disrespectful behaviour towards you - at least you didnt do it.

I dont know the whys and wherefores of getting a job vs not getting a job but you need more money than hes providing - can you liquidate any assets to give yourself some cash flow? He sounds like he is used to calling the shots with you and it might be helpful if you let him think thats how things are going to continue whilst you garner all the facts and information you need to know exactly what would happen if he leaves properly. You can post on here for people to give you ideas what you might receive in a split.

Although you are in a very miserable situation you dont have to go through it alone and you can still hang in there if you want but with a renewed sense of your own rights which will be best supported by you having all the possible info you need.

I hope you have friends and family who can support you if not use the options on here.

Kind Regards
Rasher

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20 Apr 12 #325367 by Sunshine10
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You do sound like a very intelligent lady and you can certainly see through him.
I think you have to try and get some control back, though I can see its hard when he is holding all the cards. But do what you can, regardless of what happens with the job don''t tell him what you decide, get yourself a new phone etc and get some advice on the financials (he has to reasonably support you and the kids).
Maybe he sees that you don''t really need him and the only way he can get your attention is through money? Try to relinquish his control over you, keep your dignity and you''ll begin to feel better, stronger, happier.
You can do it xxxx

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