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Wondering what stage?

  • Gloriasurvive
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21 Apr 12 #325458 by Gloriasurvive
Topic started by Gloriasurvive
Just wondered if those of you that have trudged this long, dark road and are at different points might give me some Directions to reach the next stage.
I am probably just impatient but am I going in the right direction?

It is approaching 6 months and only now am I starting to get anxiety spells and feelings of, I suppose mild or worse depression?
I think initially I was in shock and sometimes even euphoric!
I went to counselling and really felt positive out of a really, really pants situation.
But...
I am starting to think..is this it?
I am fortunate to have friends.. I teach in a busy school so am kept distracted. I have so much going for me and know a lot of people are far worse off sooooo why do I just feel so sad and down inside myself..even in a busy room. I cry when I am on my own and think life is just full of disappointments. Or worse - anything I see as good is quickly replaced with my recent mantra " it won''t last!"
NOT only have I lost the husband I thought I knew, I am loosing the me I thought I was...positive, jolly and kind. I have always been an
empathetic person and now i feel it was a curse and i wish i had been the selfish one.:dry:
Someone said to me they had read Selfish people are happier?
Now I am cynical about everything.:angry:
My positive thoughts are harder to find.
i arranged to have a '' celebration '' party to mark the 6 months and my 46th birthday...but I just want to cancel it.
Going out seems more depressing than staying in?
Where has all my positivity gone? How do you get it back?
Did any of you who are further along go through this and reach a better
place?
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! It is driving me crazy!:(
I even feel wrong writing this as it is so doom and gloom...
Who wants to be with a doom and gloom person?:unsure:

  • Confused2
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21 Apr 12 #325462 by Confused2
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Hi Gloria
I just wanted to share with you and assure that a much, much better place is out there. How far away is different for all of us, but I''m sure it will come and you will look back and realise how far you have come.

After 6 months I think I was over the worst of the shock, but far from immune to times of despair.

9 months was a milestone, I found wiki and realised that I wasn''t alone. Slowly I found a new focus beyond my own problems.

The following period was one of adjustment. Not so much to being alone but starting to think about me as an individual. Perhaps one could call that a selfish stage, but in finding out what I wanted to do in life I became much happier.

I now have a life of my own, which I enjoy greatly. My children still remind me of my past, but it doesn''t hurt anymore. It no longer matters to me, not because I don''t care, but because I''ve found a new happiness.

Hope you soon feel much better.
C2

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21 Apr 12 #325466 by sun flower
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Oh Gloria

I know exactly how you feel. And I am really glad C2 has been able to offer some light at the end of the tunnel.

I am still in the tunnel - but I wanted to tell you you are not alone at all and to recommend a book.

Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends Alberti and Fisher (Available on amazon of course).

I feel for you - I think there is a fear that we may never be rid of this sadness and gloom.

I am told we will be.

Wishing you a ''speedy recovery'' or would the term a ''speedy accpetance'' perhaps be more appropriate.

It''s a great thread to start and I will be interested in further replies.

Take care, look after yourself, be your own best friend.

  • flowerofscotland
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21 Apr 12 #325473 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Gloriasurvive,

I am not sure as what determines the end of one stage and the start of the other, but the book that Scaryclairie mentions, gives the stepping stones of all the stages and how to use them more as a re-building wall. What the authors'' try and say is that all the stages have to be completed to come out the other side, so to speak. Fisher who originally wrote the book mentions in the opening pages that it takes anything between 3 to 5 years to look back and feel OK again. (I also have a friend who is 10 years ahead of me in the divorce process, and she confirmed that it was 3 years before she felt more comfortable in her own skin!) But, as Confused2 has mentioned we each make this journey in our own time and I think, at our own pace.

I think the first thing you have to do is not to be too hard on yourself, many of us here, myself included, are all bouncing back and forth from an array of mixed feelings and emotions, regardless of how many months or even years it will be.

I know myself 21 months down the line, I feel OK one day and then I fall into the grief pit and what feels like the depths of despair! Sometimes, I still think it is too much and that I can not go on. But, as I have a responsible job, as well as two fantastic children who totally depend on me, I just have to pick myself up, dust myself down and soldier on....it is all we can do.

I often think that the harder it is to ''get there'', it maybe is a sign of how deep our love ran and how difficult it is to comprehend "how did we let it get to this?" Maybe, maybe not?

I am not sure if the battle scars of a failed marriage ever go away, especially for those how have been cheated on. I honestly can not say, there are possibly others here who are totally healed. But as I thought to myself this morning, regardless of how many feelings I may still have for my STBX the father of my children, I did not deserve to be treated the way he treated me, pre and post break up. That is where I find the strength to carry on.

I think it just takes us a while to find our groove again...and once we do lets hope that it beats a a much happier tune than the one before.

All we can do is hope......

Take care for now FoS x

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