I''m at my lowest ebb

What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I was a teeny bit more positive a few days ago. But I''m not. I went to bed last night and felt lower than I ever have. She is moving out this week. I don''t want her to go. I love her. This hurts like nothing I''ve ever felt in my life. Whatever progress I had made is gone.

I''ve woken up in floods of tears. I don''t see how I can live with this pain. What sort of a life is this? What sort of a father am I being? I''m like a zombie here. I feel this is all my fault. She wouldn''t have left if I had not been depressed the last few months. I utterly despise myself. I can''t see why anyone would want to love me...and I don''t want anyone to love me but the one person on the earth who does not.

I have thought about ending it. I wrote a pros and cons list. The only con I had is my son. And right now that''s the thinnest of threads keeping me from doing something dumb.

I cannot STAND the thought of my wife with someone else. I cannot FATHOM how I''m gonna make it without her. The thing is...I don''t WANT to keep living like this...I really don''t. Pain is everywhere, in every cell of my being. I step outside, switch on the TV...it all terrifies me...I don''t feel connected to it any longer...how will I ever? I''m worried today...worried about the depth of my despair.

Samchick
I promise promise promise you that you are not alone.
She would have left anyway.
Do anything rather than try to end it....I have two sets of friends.
One whose son succeeded - and the hell for the family never ends,
One whose son failed and is now permanently hospitalised, and the hell for the family never ends.
To you son it would feel like you didn''t care enough about him to support him when he needed you.
I think when we are depressed it is like living in a glass cage were we seem unable to connect with anyone on the outside world, or they with us.
But you have made a start by posting here. And the emotions come in waves, we think we are doing ok and then wham another hits. Learn to recognise the waves, and that they will pass.
Phone the samaritans if it helps..and just survive....for your son, survive.
I am told (we read the blogs and posts) that it does get better.

''What the hell is wrong with you?'' - Absolutely nothing. If you could get through this weekend without feeling such strong emotions you would not be a normanl human being. You would not be the caring Father and good man that you obviously are.

Don''t be so hard on yourself and don''t give up. I too have thought of ending it, but that thin thread holding you back, your son, is very strong and the best thing to hang on to right now, I know its what kept me going.

I don''t suppose today, tomorrow or perhaps this whole week is going to be anything but highly charged emotionally for you and very hard to cope with. Just try and remember your thought processes and reasons for needing her to leave, remember you are a good man, remember your son and take the day an hour at a time. Small steps Sam, you can do it, you will get through this.

Dees (((()))))

sam, reading your post made me go back to the diary ive been keeping, 13th jan was the day i hit rock bottom, i also had those thoughts, but thinking of my son, kept me from doing anything stupid, i think we all have a rock bottom day, when we feel we just cannot cope. the samaritans are a phone call away and i would suggest you go to your dr, im on ADs have been since 1st jan, and they do help, if thats not for you, try councilling, if you feel up to it read my bloggs, you will see how things do change over time, you will not feel like this forever, i promise, take care and stay strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope you put this fecking weather down on the pros list for topping yourself!
GET A FECKING GRIP MAN!!
You''ve had a number done on you by a woman.
You won''t be the first bloke and you certainly won''t be the last.
Fecking hell u think you''ve got it bad at least she''s got the decency to feck off and leave u with the kid.
I had to tolerate picking my kids (plural)not one up from my fecking house that I did fecking buy it all every penny.When the skanky bxtch has been shacked up in it for 6 years with the other fella.I also got to give it to her for free for her fxcking some other fella.
Yes Sam life is fecking unfair.
Why did you bother doing a psychology degree when you obviously know feck all about how life works?
Toughen up I know one thing that won''t be fair you self pitying selfish bstard and thats your kid growing up without a Dad because he was too fecking spineless to get over some bird doing a number on him.
FECK HER.Divorce the bxtch get custody of the kid get on with the rest of your life.
All the best
Pete

This is a reflection of all the stress that SHE has put you through. Keep that to the forefront of your mind. I totally know where you''re coming from.

But, Pete does have a point. He has given a lot of us a big kick up the *rse when we''ve needed it.

You might be at your lowest ebb now, but it''s only temporary - it''s just the brain rewiring itself, but you know all this.

When I was at the same point as you I did tiny practical things to get me through the dark days, and congratulate myself for my meagre achievements (of getting up, making a cup of tea, doing simple stuff).

The future has a remarkable ability of working out okay. But, when you''re in the middle of it, you can''t see what it is going to yield. For now, just concentrate on getting through the days, a day at a time.

There is very good advise here for you, As Claire says call the Samaritains, Your son needs you!