I''m at my lowest ebb

Haway''s right! Your son needs you end of story. How will he feel growing up knowing that his father cared more about ending his pain than being there to help him and guide him through life? I felt like you and thought about it but reality slapped me in the face and woke me up to the fact that I couldn''t MAKE my husband love me and so I had to find another way to live. You will too. Live for your son but live for you too. Take care

ditto what everyone else has said. And if you can;t do it one day at a time then set yourself smaller targets. Suicide is a very selfish act, designed to make those around you feel guilty for not helping more. We have all heard the cry for help; we are all here rooting for you.

The one person who has heard but not listened is your stbx; your suicide will make no difference to her, in fact it will probably play right into her hands enabling her to shack up with her bf and your son and play all new happy families. She''ll probably even get a pension, plus a huge death in service benefit.

Is that what you want? Of course it isn''t. Remember the thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way left is up.

samchik,

You are going through pain peaks at the moment and panicking.
I went through exactly the same thing you are feeling right now....yeah...serious suicidal thoughts...just ANYTHING to stop me feeling like this as there was no escape.

Listen carefully though....a LOT of suicide attempts don''t work and you are left with permanent BRAIN DAMAGE or PARALYSIS.

NOT a good long term prospect for a 34 year old guy eh?

Samchik, the same pain centres in your brain are being activated as someone going through HEROIN withdrawal according to a neurologist who did a radio programme on the psychological/neurological effects of love and loss of love.
So it''s gonna feel really bad, but it will come in peaks and it''s just a case of getting through each peak.

It might be best to see your Doc about getting some anti-anxiety meds (not antidepressants) just to calm you down a bit and take the edge off.

Will PM you later.

LW

Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person causes depression. It is a symptom of the relationship not the cause of the marital breakdown.

Just because people here are not all at the stage you are now at does not mean that we were not once. People can and do survive. I have my blogs which are a record of the blackness, the deep despair. I was there and I survived. People do everyday.

I wanted to turn my life around and not just be some sad statistic. I had visions of my husband and OW riding off into the sunset with all my life insurance benefits because we all had those thoughts you know to varying degrees.

But why give into self pity? You have loads going for you, you have just become consumed by your relationship and perhaps lost your own identity in the process. I know what it''s like looking into a big empty black hole instead of a life.

You are qualified in this whole area as Haway said. So, you have a responsibility to yourself and your son to get well. That means do the reading, I PMed some suggestions as I can relate to a lot of what you write. Do the work, don''t give up ever. I did not give up, and I can say now I''m through the tunnel, I''m very glad I didn''t.

See if you can make an emergency appointment with your therapist. Get a strategy to cope. You can only start from where you are at. It does get better.

I''m with Pete on this one. You need to get a grip and not give into self pity. What kind of man are you? How do you want to define yourself? What lesson do you want to teach your son out of all of this?

Get the help you need not only to survive but to thrive.

... and I agree too. Don''t focus on your own pain, Sam. You can''t afford that luxury - you''re a parent.

Focus on the family unity your son''s lost. It''ll keep you busy.

Shezi

Sam - count yourself lucky you have got your son. He is worth more than this unfaithful woman.

Pete - you can bet your life that my son can relate to your story. He even calls his ex. the skanker - just like you do.