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Utter shock - please advise

  • Marshy_
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30 Apr 12 #327457 by Marshy_
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Hi John.

johnt153 wrote:

and she''s admitted to me that she''s done so before :(- how could I ever take her back even if she wanted?


And here is the rub. I am sorry john but alarm bells should have been ringing at this point when she admitted this to you.

You are special right?
She loved you right?
No way would she cheat on you, right?
You were the one for her?
Right?.... Wrong.

A leopard never changes its spots. I expect if you were to meet one of her ex''s out in town one night, he would tell you exactly the same. There are lots and lots of people out there that do this mate. You were unlucky this time. Ok lucky as well. Unlucky that you came across one of those that are just dishonest. Lucky in that you didnt marry her and have kids. It would have been a lot harder if this had happened. I expect if you examine her past carefully, you will see a trail of wreckage. And she would have done this many times before. Once a cheat always a cheat.

There is a lesson here for you John. That is check out (fully) who you get involved with. They may seem full of grace and the sex will be amazing. Great laugh and all the rest but... She could be a man eater in disguise. So proceed as you have been doing. Going slow. But next time, check her CV. Talk to mates about her. What is she like? Speak to the ex (if poss). I know this sounds bad but you have to check up properly someone you are going to invest so much time and effort into. It amazes me that people take more care reading the reviews of toasters on Argos then they do checking out a potential mate. Dont judge the book by the cover. If there is any question of dishonesty, or anything you dont like at all, let her go back to the pond.

Lastly. Yes there are some real horror stories on this site. But there is no worse horror story then your own. You will be ok. Have a few bevies with the mates. Take all her sh!t and dump it. Delete her number off the phone. Cut anything that has any reference to her out of yr life. That includes her evil mates on FB that will spy on you. Delete and block. Any of her mates see you in town and asks you about her? Just say who?

In 6 months time you may see her out. She may say "Hi", you may say fu*c you. Or you may just blank her. Onwards and upwards mate. She wont mean dick to you by then. C.

  • donkler
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30 Apr 12 #327461 by donkler
Reply from donkler
Marshy_ wrote:

Hi John.

johnt153 wrote:

and she''s admitted to me that she''s done so before :(- how could I ever take her back even if she wanted?


And here is the rub. I am sorry john but alarm bells should have been ringing at this point when she admitted this to you.

You are special right?
She loved you right?
No way would she cheat on you, right?
You were the one for her?
Right?.... Wrong.

A leopard never changes its spots. I expect if you were to meet one of her ex''s out in town one night, he would tell you exactly the same. There are lots and lots of people out there that do this mate. You were unlucky this time. Ok lucky as well. Unlucky that you came across one of those that are just dishonest. Lucky in that you didnt marry her and have kids. It would have been a lot harder if this had happened. I expect if you examine her past carefully, you will see a trail of wreckage. And she would have done this many times before. Once a cheat always a cheat.

There is a lesson here for you John. That is check out (fully) who you get involved with. They may seem full of grace and the sex will be amazing. Great laugh and all the rest but... She could be a man eater in disguise. So proceed as you have been doing. Going slow. But next time, check her CV. Talk to mates about her. What is she like? Speak to the ex (if poss). I know this sounds bad but you have to check up properly someone you are going to invest so much time and effort into. It amazes me that people take more care reading the reviews of toasters on Argos then they do checking out a potential mate. Dont judge the book by the cover. If there is any question of dishonesty, or anything you dont like at all, let her go back to the pond.

Lastly. Yes there are some real horror stories on this site. But there is no worse horror story then your own. You will be ok. Have a few bevies with the mates. Take all her sh!t and dump it. Delete her number off the phone. Cut anything that has any reference to her out of yr life. That includes her evil mates on FB that will spy on you. Delete and block. Any of her mates see you in town and asks you about her? Just say who?

In 6 months time you may see her out. She may say "Hi", you may say fu*c you. Or you may just blank her. Onwards and upwards mate. She wont mean dick to you by then. C.


And all that might actually seem harsh and unrealistic, BUT If I had read that before going on my first date with what would become my wife, and took it as gospel - I would have thrown her back into the pond, and now not be getting divorced to a liar and a cheat.

A quote I got of one of her mates on our first date was

"Dont try and tame her - shes a free spirit"

Pffffffft OMG - what a fool Ive been haha.

  • pixy
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30 Apr 12 #327464 by pixy
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John it''s not that she is being deliberately cruel. More likely she is simply too cowardly to tell you stuff straight to your face (couldn''t even dump you in person could she).

Look after yourself.

  • johnt153
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30 Apr 12 #327484 by johnt153
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Thanks to you all. I''m feeling a little stronger but still in a fog of shock. Any advice on how to quell the inevitable compulsion to contact her when it next arises? I''m consumed by a need to know why. Not giving a crap about someone you professed to love is something I''m seriously struggling to get my head around :(

  • .Charles
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30 Apr 12 #327488 by .Charles
Reply from .Charles
You have tot resist the temptation - trying to contact her shores up her self-esteem and keeps you at her beck and call. You have to be strong and accept that it is a scary world now that your blinkers have been removed but you will overcome and flourish.

A friend of my family was spurned by her husband and she really didn''t know what to do. The financial settlement was quite nasty as the husband was vindictive as he was used to getting his own way and did not like dealing with somebody he could not bully.

The end result, the family friend realised what a burk her ex was and she is living the life of riley. The ex on the other hand still tries to contact her despite his remarriage.

Take each day at a time and find something to do each time you feel the urge to contact your wife - play a game of darts, learn 5 words of a foreign language, read a book or read this site.

Charles

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30 Apr 12 #327497 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I agree with no contact you have had some excellent advice already. As for the why question well I''m afraid most of is here had to work that out for ourselves. Most who ask for an answer when someone does a disappearing act never get one. Asking the question just generally means you give the ex a chance to offload guilt or they lie unfortunately.

She has told you everything you need to know. She is shallow cowardly and does not care about your feelings. Words mean nothing it''s actions that count. She has finished your relationship remotely. There is little more to be said after that.

As for those answers well in my experience they come with time. Eventually things start to make sense and you figure it all out. Don''t give her a chance to hurt you anymore than she already has.

Take care

  • johnt153
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30 Apr 12 #327508 by johnt153
Reply from johnt153
Thanks, Shoegirl. Think I had an awful lot invested in her and hopes - massively reinforced, I must say; the love of my life, etc - and it''s difficult to accept that they''re over. We were together a fair few years and I feel hollow and empty. I loved her and trusted her :(

John.

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