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The future of our Children

  • Gloriasurvive
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01 May 12 #327583 by Gloriasurvive
Topic started by Gloriasurvive
Does anyone else get fed up reading about the damage we are doing to our children through divorce?
I personally did not choose to be in this position, my X serial adulterer.
But I am a dedicated mum and try my best to provide for my children both financially and emotionally. I would think they would be well adjusted adults. But not according to all the research and articles written. They seem to be heading towards a future of doom and gloom!

I am from divorced parents but my X is not. He is the one that has many self-esteem issues. He was also emotionally abusive and does not see the children just now.
The children seem fine, sociable and doing well at school. Is this all going to change? ( according to research).

I think us '' left-ones '' have enough guilt thrown at us for failing our marriage without also having to carry the can of failed parents.

Surely it is how you teach or model how to deal with life challenges that counts?

I don''t want my children to suffer because of my circumstance.

Wondered if anyone else feels similar?

  • MrsMathsisfun
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01 May 12 #327586 by MrsMathsisfun
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Couldnt agree more Gloria.

There have been some threads on here where the parents (and sometimes new partners) seems more intend on point scoring against each other rather than allowing the situation to settle and putting the emotional health of the children in the centre.

I am sure your children will be fine and continue to be well adjusted, you can help by making sure if and when the ex decides he wants contact with the children that your love for them is greater than your hate (however understandable) for your ex.

Damaged it caused by battling parents not the separation.

My daughters father was physically violent towards me. I could have stopped all contact and never allowed my daughter to see him. She was 2 when we split, she is now 13. I am so glad I let my love for her overrule my hate for him because he has proved himself time and time again what a great dad he is.

  • mumtoboys
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01 May 12 #327591 by mumtoboys
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there was a programme on BBC3 about this - singer who''s name I now forget who''s a single mum was looking at the negativity and the possible impact. She spoke with some university professor about the statistics - I forget what they were off the top of my head but something around 75% of children from separated families having good life outcomes and 85% of children from non-separated families having the same outcomes. His response was to look at the difference (ie the difference between 75 and 85) - and whilst there is a difference, it doesn''t amount to very much in real terms. In other words, most children will be fine and you could have messed them up anyway even if you hadn''t divorced!

  • Marshy_
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01 May 12 #327595 by Marshy_
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Hi Gloria.

I dont think children are damaged by divorce. Provided the participants in that divorce do not use them as battering rams.

There are good parents and there are bad or toxic parents. And I dont think it matters if they are married or divorced.

Being a good parent has nothing todo with being married. If you are a good parent, you put yr kids welfare 1st. And no matter what you think of the other half, you dont let it spoil a relationship with the kids. Many dont understand this.

Many use kids as pawns in a silly game of tit for tat. Involving them when they should be protected. Telling them things that are best kept private. And this of course damages children. They are often forced to take sides and carry guilt for many years and have a view that this is how relationships are. Toxic.

Having parents that are toxic messes up kids lives well into adulthood. And often these offspring of toxic parents dont achieve as well as they should and have issues of low self asteam for their whole lives.

As you may guess. I had toxic parents. I sometimes wonder if they would have been better off not being together. Because life was hell when they were together. And I honestly believe that they despised each other. And it showed. And as a result of that. I was damaged for a very long time. But I am OK now. But it took a long time for me to get over it and rid myself of the guilt I felt. I honestly think they had no idea what they were doing to me. Being in the middle of them all the time and being asked to choose is not the best sort of upbringing for a child.

Lastly there is the ex. She used her children in the divorce. Every step of the way. There were times when they knew more than I did. Of course they got to see the violence metted out. And to see there dad being spat at and called names and humiliated could not be good for them. And of course they joined in. Good fun isnt it kicking someone when they are down? Cruel doesnt come close.

And there is another 2 damaged children who are adults now taking all this baggage into adult life. Its a shame. And it shouldn''t happen. But it does. A lot more than you think. And we wonder why this generation is called the lost generation? C.

  • u6c00
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01 May 12 #327596 by u6c00
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Hi Gloria

I think the media (read: Daily Mail, see yesterdays front page) has some vested interest in guilt tripping divorcees/separated parents. I genuinely have no idea why. I tend to take these stories with a pinch of salt, they are generalisations to say the least. The science behind them is often flawed, based on an interpretation of statistics rather than real life stories. Also, statistics are always open to abuse and manipulation. It''s no coincidence that there''s a book called How to Lie with Statistics.

I do agree that separations are incredibly tough on children. I wish there was an awful lot more support for them. There are plenty of support lines, web sites and forums for us as we experience separation, but there just isn''t enough support for them.

When my ex and I began separating (about 6 months before she moved out), her son, my step son developed some eating problems. Even though we weren''t arguing, we were keeping things as normal as possible for him but it obviously affected him. We took him to the doctors, but the doctor said that unless it was affecting his health there was nothing medical that could be done. If it did begin to affect his health he might be on a waiting list for a child psychiatrist for years before getting any help.

That is a tragedy, that there is no support for an 8 year old boy going through one of the most difficult periods he is ever likely to go through. I look back on what I''ve written and I''m ashamed, of what happened and that it affected him. It is lucky that my other son is too young to understand any of what''s going on, but I am terrified of harming both of them in the long term.

My ex is being difficult with contact and residence, fighting me every step of the way. I am just hoping that we can keep the war away from the children, and working hard to do so. There''s one thing for Absolute certain, as MathisFun said, kids getting caught up in the middle of warring parents will be harmed by it.

Gloria, the research you discuss is invariably taken from a large data set (i.e. 100 000 children were monitored and the 50 000 from separated families on average got lower GCSE grades than the others). This averaging over a large sample size is designed to eliminate anomalies (such as your children, for example). If your children don''t fit the ''pattern'' that the research suggests, it''s not particularly likely that they will suddenly change next week and begin failing.

You should trust in the fantastic job you''ve done in incredibly difficult circumstances to raise your children to be happy and well adjusted. Pat yourself on the back... and stop reading those newspapers!

  • Marshy_
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01 May 12 #327601 by Marshy_
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u6c00 wrote:

You should trust in the fantastic job you''ve done in incredibly difficult circumstances to raise your children to be happy and well adjusted. Pat yourself on the back... and stop reading those newspapers!


I have to agree with what u6c00 wrote. Its better to have one good parent then one ineffective and one bad. As often when you have one bad one, it drags the other one down. You actually only need one parent. You are doing a good job Gloria. Yr kids will be fine.

And the job of news is to sell news. Never to inform. Despite what they say to the contrary. C.

  • Gloriasurvive
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01 May 12 #327790 by Gloriasurvive
Reply from Gloriasurvive
Thank you everyone, this has made interesting reading with great reassurance. I went into school today and aired my concern and low and behold a lot of my " well adjusted " teacher colleagues are from divorced parents and they are doing just fine!
As my X was quite harsh on the children, let them down and disappointed them too many times, they don''t wish to see him just now. He has made a couple of half-hearted jestures to see them, thus reinforcing his selfishness. Sad though this is.
The atmosphere in our home has improved tremendously...so long may it continue.
I say collywobble to statistics and will refuse to read anymore
''what''s best for the children!'' articles.
Teaching your children to problem solve and face challenges with solutions is what they need, not to have a father who brings them down.
Thank you again for your responses :)

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