Been sleeping a great deal the past couple of days - apologies to those whom have PMd me.
My feelings are fluctuating so rapidly it''s increasingly difficult to feel ''stable''. From agonising hurt to anger to jealousy to hollow emptiness in a few minutes. Punctuated by random memories - decorating her place together, going to the beach, cooking together, making love...on and on and on. I feel like I''m losing the plot. I suspect it is but can anyone reassure me that this is normal? Even more worryingly, is it possible to hate someone for what they''ve done yet miss them intensely at the same time??
Its normal John. We all go thru this phase. Up and down and up and down. You have a number of things going on:
Shock. That this is over and that she has done this to you.
Dispair. What will happen to me? How will I cope?
Anxiety. The heart racing. Linked to dispair. What will become of me.
Cant concentrate. Cant read. Cant watch the telly. Cant work (maybe) thoughts going round and round.
What if''s. What if I had done this better. Is this cos I am a bad husband? Did I cause this?
Will I ever be able to trust anyone?
You will have crazy thoughts. You will do crazy things.
All the above is normal and you have to live thru this. There is nothing you can do. Apart from this:
Classic relaxation technique.
Breath in. Hold your breath for 30 seconds of more and breath out slowly. Do this 2 or 3 times. This will calm you down for a bit. When you feel yrself getting anxious, do it again.
Try and eat. If you need to drink water with your food to get it down. Try and sleep. Use the relaxation technique to help you to sleep.
Lastly. I was a basket case 6 years ago. She did a real number on me. I wont bore you with the details as I am bored of it myself. But I was bad. Tried to off myself a couple of times. I thought like you that my life was over. I would like to show you your life in 6 years time. Honest. It wont be anything like it is now. You will be past all this like I am.
I dont want to bore you with my life as you wont care. You have enough on your plate. But honest mate, I am not saying this to brag. But my life is a trillion billion million times better than it was 6 years ago. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldnt have worried. I would have sat back and waited for it to come.
This is just a blip in yr life. Here I sit. Just waiting for a taxi to take me to town. To watch the game with my mates. And hopefully it will be a good night. Six years ago, I had no mates. I had no life. I had no home. I had nothing at all. I was finished. My life down the toilet. Now life is great and everyday, I wake up. Have a brew (not a special one) and I thank the big man for giving me this life. This will be you one day. But unfortunately, my time machine is out of juice. So I cant take you to yr new life. But its there. Waiting for you to show up. But you have to live thru this sh!t 1st. To get there. Hold on dude. C.
Without a doubt 6 years from now.
All your dough in your pocket will be yours.
You,ll be doing what you like when you like with no asking permission or the bs disapproval.
You''ll have a few more notches on the bed post of life and all this will be a distant memory.
All the best
These good guys above are telling you like it is. You have to please listen. You are, as Marshy said, in Shock, the Tsunami of it all coming to terms with the one, if not the most traumatic time in your life.
Although not as far down the line as HRH and Marshy, our pillars of wisdom, only 21 months and a long way still to go until the 6 year milestone they both describe, what I will say johnt153 is that with time and a little TLC towards yourself, the pain will get easier to manage and you will be on a road to recovery.
There are hundreds of us on Wiki, both male and female, who have walked the mat that you find yourself on. All of us at different stages, willing you to realise that there are people who totally get it and who wish you well. Remember to take one day at a time and try and look after yourself. Go through our book thread, there are great suggestions to help you come to terms with it all. Hopefully, they will allow you to see that what you are experiencing, the pure pain and raw emotions is all part of the process and eventually healing.
Hang on in there and keep strong, you are not alone and we really do understand.
Hi John. Just want to add my two pennies worth to the other comments on this thread.
I am two years down the road from ''that dreadful day'' when my ex sent me a text telling me she had put a deposit on a flat and wasnt coming back. Its actually the second anniversary of that day, today. Short marriage, no kids but incredible heartache.
But I got through it and, for the most part, things are great. The financial stuff was sh@t and I just finished with that at the end of last year. Not only did my ex break my heart she tried to shaft me for money as well.
Hang on in there John, you will get through it and out the other side. My only advice to you is..please don''t beg or plead with your ex. Retain your dignity, try to carry on ''normally'', take care of yourself. Most importantly, dont keep rerunning the relationship through your mind, over and over. It is what it is. Dont blame yourself. You said you gave her everything. You can be a saint - it doesnt make any difference. And you cant make anyone love you. You wouldnt want them to make a go of a relationship because they felt sorry for you.
There are more experienced wiki''s on this site who have given great advice. Keep posting. We are all with you.
Yes life does get better but if I could turn back time to the stage you are at now I would have gone to my doctors and got some anti depressants. The incessent churning over and over of past events that you describe and FOS calls the washine machine (so do I) is exactly what anti depressants are designed to help stop. They block those recurrent and unstopable thoughts.
Anti depressants are a good bridge to helping you feel better. Just getting the prescription and hearing your doctor say that you are depressed may be enough to help raise your spirits.
4 years in for me and I wouldn''t go back to my old life ever not in a million years. When I first registered on this site and read everyone saying baby steps and it does get better I found it almost too hard to believe but they were right, it does get better