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Reasons to keep going

  • johnt153
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07 May 12 #328857 by johnt153
Topic started by johnt153
Hello all.

Well, as the title says. At the moment ''all'' I have is my daughter from my previous marriage and I cannot let her down. I''ve precious little else: my business is failing and has been for some months due to the economic climate and pretty soon I''ll have to sign on (maybe this was another factor in her leaving and if so, shame on her). I''ve friends but they have their own lives and aren''t really ''talky'' types. I''ve had to sell my car to raise funds to live on so pretty isolated. The family home and my finances were taken from me during my divorce some years ago so now live in a poxy rented flat.

So, while my daughter''s enough that''s a pretty gossamer-slim lifeline, given I only see her once a week (would love more but that''s family law). Therefore, what ideas or goals did all you good people cling onto to provide a glimmer of optimism?

Once again, sincere thanks from the (pretty ruinous!) heart.


  • freefalling
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07 May 12 #328858 by freefalling
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Hi John,
I''m sorry about your situation. Divorce is hard enough going without the added burden of finances. I made my life with my daughter my focus as you are doing. I know it''s only once a week but make it special so you have things to look forward to. I did and am still doing a lot of walking with my dog, did a lot of reading and
spent time with family and friends. I also watched a lot of DVDs (Mad Men series, is the favourite at the moment), anything to just help me through each hour/day. Try and find things that you like doing or start a new hobby. I took up yoga and that helped too. Take care and stay strong

  • Shoegirl
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07 May 12 #328866 by Shoegirl
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Ok I think we all go through this to some degree. It is in some ways redefining ones own identity after finding ourselves suddenly and unexpectedly alone.

When my Stbx left, I had been made redundant just weeks earlier. I had a job and a career that meant a lot to me and due to the economic climate, that had been taken away quite suddenly.

I have no children and so when Stbx left I had no job, my career was down the toilet, my family lived 250 miles away and Stbx left me with no money as to top it all off, I had to negotiate my redundancy settlement with my employers which involved a fairly lengthy set of expensive legal negotiations.

So there I was with an employment lawyer sorting out my redundancy settlement and my divorce lawyer commencing proceedings. It felt like some kind of sick joke. Everything that my world revolved around was now in the hands of lawyers.

I was reduced to begging my bank for an overdraft hoping that the redundancy money would come through before I hit my limit. it was a scary time as banks are not that keen on lending money to people without a demonstrable income. I dont want to appear too dramatic, as rainy day money was there if I really needed it. But I''d just a few months before he left me put thousands of pounds in my husbands name for tax reasons. He refused to give it back. So my rainy day pot was seriously depleted.

Oh I should add my husband went off with the office bike (we had worked at the same place you see but in different divisions) So after 13 years of working at this organisation, everyone there knew that my husband had gone off with her so I felt completely humiliated. People who I worked with would cross the street or leave my calls unreturned. They did not know what to say to me. To be fair, my closest colleagues were marvellous and I told myself that was all that mattered.

So I''d hit the bottom pretty much. The things that were the centre of my life gone in an instant and the money situation was pretty frightening too. My friends were in marriages, all that age where they were having their first babies. They had no tme for me crying down the phone, they had crying babies to feed and look after.I kept reading here that kids were the reason to carry on. Well I did not have that.

But here''s the thing. I REFUSED to let this shxt define my life. I refused to sit there wallowing in self pity. It was time to take life by the balls and get the outcomes i deserved, not this shxt pile that had become my life.

Others had it worse than me. Much worse. I would come back fighting. He would NOT beat me. My employers would not get away with me getting less than my entlitlements after all my years of hard work demonstrable through first class performance reviews and ratings. I fought back John. Harder and more determined than I ever thought I could.

So here''s what happened. I set out my position to my ex employers, clearly staring what I wanted. I got more than I was entitled to because I set out reasonably what would be the right thing to do about my redundancy payment. They knew that they should reward my years of loyal service and they did so with bells on. I went out every single day with my laptop and looked for work. Being cooped up in the house all day did not work for me. I called agencies, worked my butt off. I refused to take a lesser role than the one I had but I did take a little part time consultancy work where they paid me about a quarter of what I was worth. It mattered little at that time, it was just a way to get some confidence back and not to eat too much into the redundancy payment.

I got myself out and about, joined social groups. Sometimes it was the last thing I wanted to do, sometimes I enjoyed it, sometimes not. But being unemployed it was important for my own mental health that I did not get socially isolated. I got a counsellor, there was no way I was going this journey alone.

Now, I''m 18 months on down the road. I got a brand new much better paid job three months after he left. I''ve gott a brand new car on the drive. I am buying my Stbx out of the FMH, yes I''ve saved the money to do it from all my efforts. I brought new clothes, I lost weight. I spent time in the gym and I treated myself like my own best friend. I have lots of new friends, interests from all those groups and days/nights out.

I''m well over a year into my job, it''s great and i love it. I''m doing well and my old job feels a distant memory.

As for Stbx, he tried to come back. OW dumped him after a few weeks. Boo hoo :laugh:He was annoyed that I got myself a great new job, stunned at the way I looked (all that self care paid dividends) You see he wanted me to fall apart you see so I could be a nice little backstop. It did not work out for him. Last I heard, he was having to go to Bangkok (this is significant only when considering his serial adultery) perhaps he needs to cast the net a bit wider these days:laugh: :laugh:

Anyway, I don''t care what he does. Really. I have fought back and who knows what tomorrow will bring, none of us do. But I have found resources and strength in me that I did not know I had. Whatever life has in store for me now, I know I can deal with it.

Because I have found that once you are ok with who you are then being alone is ok. More than ok.

Its amazing what we can all achieve when we set our minds to it. Really.

  • fairylandtime
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07 May 12 #328868 by fairylandtime
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Shoegirl that''s amazing Thank You was feeling like John deflated & despondent but your so right it''s time we all stop taking cr*p & fight back both at work, home & in our lives.

Will start today

Thank you JJx

  • hawaythelads
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07 May 12 #328872 by hawaythelads
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There''s a big old world out there.
I can speak with experience I know how you feel.
I lost my job of 20 years which was the family business when the other 50% share holder wanted to retire.
My Dad at the time was speaking about buying him out for £200k but our biggest contract had put in its own presses and we were going to be 40% down a month on our turnover.
I told my Dad at the time not to do it shut the business down solvently and I''d take my chances elsewhere as my marriage was in a right shxt state.
Went home and the ex harridan announces might as well get all the bad news out the way in one go I want a divorce.
3 months later there I am 8 black bin bags to my name back at my mum and dads.
My then 6 and 9 yr old kids in the FMH with her new fella.
And I''m still paying for the fecking DFS sofas him and her are sitting their rses on because it''s in my name.
Work wise great (that''s said with a lot of irony) I''ve got a job as a salesman with a £300k a year target for a whole £30k half of what I used to earn.And they started another bloke on the same day as me who was out on his ear in 6 weeks.
To say I''m clinging on my finger nails is a fecking understatement.I never really saw any "how to sell a million quids worth a year of stuff when you''re chroniacally depressed books" in the library either.
So what do you do.
Your sleeping is probably shot to shxt3 options choose 1 2 or all options
a)You can''t get to sleep because your obssessively thinking about the situation.
b)You finally fall into some half sleep and wake up panicky after obsessively thinking about the situation in your sleep.
c)When you either stayed up or woke up at 4 am you might finally get to sleep about 6 am when it''s time to get up in another hour.
d) you feel like shxt all day and could kip all morning no worries.
Then you get up fee;ling completely shredded before you''ve even started.
Chances are any shxt that you ate off of is still where you left it last night.
If you smoke therew will be an ashtray full of dog ends
Probably your clothes will be on the floor and any old alcohol vessels will be on th cofee table.
You take one look at this lot get even more depressed and think what''s the fecking point in gettin up I want to die anyway.
You may make it to the fridge to find out you''ve got no milk to make a cup of tea with anyway.
Then if you haven''t gone back to bed at this point you have to get ready to go to work.You feel like shxt a shower would make you feel better but it''s just too much effort.
If you make it out the door to work I applaud you.
Then you''ve only got to deal with the fact that your only income costs you more to open up the doors everyday than if you left it closed.GGRRREEAAATT!!!
As I said at the start it''s a big old world.You just don''t know what''s round the corner.You have to keep getting up everyday to find that out.
You must be pretty good at what you do to start your own business in the first place.
I know there''s a recession but look where you might be able to find some business.
If I can earn £20 a day it''s better than feck all innit?
Get up go to work you see some people getsa you out.
FECK IT ALL if that don''t float your boat what''s your point in sticking your head in the gas oven.You might as well get anmy dough together you can and feck off on a world tour get a bigger perspective on life might cheer you up.
I don''t think blokes have enough fun.
They lumber themselves up with a bird.
It always ends up you''re the one having to foot the bills.
They are all fecking nuts to varying degrees and they always bail when the money fecks off.
Embrace being a bloke.Fecking women who needs em.Certainly not worth topping yourself over.Holiday to Thailand would sort you right out just remember what goes on tour stays on tour.Don''t bring Ting Tong home beleiving she wants to marry you because she loves you long time.
Keep on movin.Movin target is harder to hit.
All the best
Pete xx

  • Shoegirl
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07 May 12 #328873 by Shoegirl
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Hang on just a minute Haway.

If I''m reading your post wrong, I apologise. But being a woman does not make me nuts to varying degrees and as someone who got turned over by a bloke for my money, I can assure you no man has ever footed my bills.

Independence is everything to me. No not bitter, never be in a relationship again mindset but independence. Means I want to be able to stand on my own two feet whether a bloke is in my life or not.

Parents brought me up that way. Always had a little Saturday job, always had to pay my way through school, university the lot. Never had a handout in my life.

Think I''m either reading it wrong or your having one of your little moments of sarcasm ;)

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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07 May 12 #328874 by NoWhereToTurnl
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Shoegirl you are a credit to your self and an inspiration to anyone going through divorce, thank you.

John, I became a volunteer with wildlife rescue and learned to love myself again x

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