A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Struggling to cope

  • Bjc67
  • Bjc67's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
27 May 12 #333316 by Bjc67
Reply from Bjc67
More to the saga from the stbx. I am sure she is trying to play mind games because 2 weeks ago she rang me and asked if I had received the letter she sent stating she wants the marriage over etc. Not normal behaviour surely. Then a few days ago I get another letter very cold and to the point stating in order to help me move on can I take some items she left in my home back to her mothers - she lives over a 100 miles away ! Some clothing but also asking for a world atlas and a bedroom lampshade !! All this is doing to me is resurfacing all the hurt again and again. I am finding it so hard to get through this. How she can still call shots when she still in rehab (7 weeks of an 18 week programme)is bordering on abusive.
On another note I thought I would try some counselling and they tell me what I actually married was the addict person NOT the real person who does not associate with me at all.
What an emotional roller coaster Im on right now because all I did was love her. Today for some reason I feel really low and miss her terribly. I can''t see it yet but surely her leaving me has to be a good thing ? I have written a lengthy letter in response BUT I have not sent it. Trying hard to keep the no contact rule in place.
What do I do fellow Wiki''s ?? Im sinking into a low state of depression here.

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
27 May 12 #333322 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
My Stbx was an addict and more to the point still is.

I found it to hold completely true that the primary relationship in his case was the addiction. Our marriage and me came a poor second to his habits.

My marriage was based on deception and lies and I mean pretty much all of it. When he left, I had to pull the rose tinted specs off and see what was really there. It was incredibly painful but understanding him allowed me to then focus on what led me into a relationship with an addict and what kept me there when in reality, I was just being abused and hurt over and over again.

The counselling really helped me work this through, it''s been invaluable.

As for your situation, Its clear she wants to maintain a dialogue. My Stbx sent me a letter and an email during my 60 day no contact and I did not open them. Now as you have, I would not comment on the points she made about the marriage ending. I would simply comment that the belongings she has requested will be set aside and sorted through the divorce process as it progresses.

If anything else comes from her, I''d be inclined not to read it until you have gone through the no contact period. I would screen calls too. Mine left voicemails, I just did not call back.

  • Bjc67
  • Bjc67's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
30 May 12 #333957 by Bjc67
Reply from Bjc67
Im definatley self destructing here as try as hard as I might the no contact rule I have just broken !
my stbx is at week 7 of an 18 week rehab programme for her alcoholism. I have not spoken to her for over 2 weeks now and at a very weak moment I dropped off some flowers at the reception with a small card saying I hoped she was doing well. Simple I thought and no harm could be done.
Wrong. She refused to take them and I was given them back with her name scribbled out and she had written my name instead.
What a massive knock back I have had and that really has hurt me.
That is such a cold thing to do and I suppose clearly demonstrates where I fit in her future now.
Im so sad again and not sure how I can progress this further. I miss her so much :(

  • Bjc67
  • Bjc67's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
05 Jun 12 #335122 by Bjc67
Reply from Bjc67
Fellow Wikis
Thought I would share this with you all, I had a phone call from stbx yesterday informing me that, surprise, surprise she has walked out of the rehab clinic barely half way through the programme.
I have had NC for nearly 4 weeks then this happens. She rang me to blame me for her walking !! Not the fact that she wanted a drink.
The good news is I am a little stronger than I was when she first left me and all I can think of is the devastation an alcoholic causes living with them. She followed up the call with a text saying leave me alone now.
I still love her dearly and to be honest I am playing the head and heart game here.
I think it is wise for me to reinstate the NC rule and try and move on. Now this will be difficult as she has her phone back and I can contact her anytime unlike when she was in rehab when they took it off her.
Clearly she is a master act in head games as why the need to tell me she had left rehab ?? Think she was trying to justify her actions.
I have no idea where she is staying now.

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
05 Jun 12 #335126 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
You should not engage at all with an active addict, one who is not in therapy in particular.

You may want to think about the sense in trying to understand her motives when she is alcohol dependent. You know what you need to. She is an alcoholic who is not in treatment. She is projecting her problems on to you and blaming you. Think about whether you want to be part of her chaotic life by engaging in contact? What purpose is there to contact when her primary relationship is with alcohol.?

Believe me, I know how hard it is turning your back on an addict. One has to do it though to ensure ones own sanity, Your addict has failed in rehab, the reasons for that matter little as the outcome is that she has not and will not sort her life out, Thats what you need to know in order to move on with yours.

Please though at least think about the reasons you got involved with an addict not least to ensure this does not happen to you again. I speak from experience in this regard. Finally please think about the groups that support spouses and families of alcohol dependent people. Your friends might be great but it takes knowledge and experience to offer the right kind of support to a spouse of an addict.

Please don''t continue to engage in her chaos by contacting her. You won''t be helping her or you, trust me on that.

  • Bjc67
  • Bjc67's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
05 Jun 12 #335181 by Bjc67
Reply from Bjc67
Shoegirl
To say thank you is something of an understatement from me. What you say makes perfect sense.
She has been an addict for 10 years and this is her 3rd attempt at rehab in the space of 12 months. I dont think it will ever work with her. As hard as it is to let go, I do need to move on now that is very, very clear and leave her to her relationship with alcohol and not a decent, caring, loving husband that I am.
I was somewhat ignorant when I met her just 15 months ago as I thought she just ''enjoyed'' a few beers as some of us can.
I have been going to a family group as you suggest and found this really helpful to gain an understanding but my wife was not happy at me going. This is one of the reasons, or so she says, for walking out yet again.
Bizarre, just any excuse will do.
My wife, when sober, is really fantastic and everything you would want BUT when the demon gets hold (most of the time) my quality of life is horrendous.
I am convinced now that what I actually married was the demon in her not the real person in her. It was like living with 2 different people.
I was hopeful I could of helped her but there is no chance I can do that.
One thing is absolutely certain, if I get a sniff of any addiction issues in a new partner I will be running faster than Mr Bolt himself.
I enjoyed reading your post as it makes the whole picture a lot lot clearer for me
Thank you again.

  • toto1978
  • toto1978's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
16 Jun 12 #337133 by toto1978
Reply from toto1978
Bjc67 wrote:

Back to square one as I have been hit by another bombshell.
Being my stbx is in rehab I have no contact with her. I was hoping that given her treatment to combat the addiction with alcohol she would in time come back to me.
Wrong.
Today I received a letter - "This note is to reinforce that our marriage is over. I am never coming back to you"
I am left totally devastated again.
Given I gave her unconditional love through her addiction, the lies, cunning tricks, verbal/physical abuse she leaves me with a simple letter.
Lets get the divorce sorted. No kids, thank God.
Thats the next time she hears from me.
I hope now I can recover from all this hurt.
I don''t need this pain. Why me ??




i really feel for you,leaving notes seems to be a trait of the very shallow people it would seem the ones doing the running,it happened to me after we had been together many years,easy come easy go for some.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11