Struggling to cope

Hi there

I was going to wax lyrically about how we think nobody else could feel the intesity or the pain that we feel....but Nowheretoturn has done so, much better than I could ever have done.

This does not take away your pain, but hopefully it gives you the courage to hang on until it passes.

Go to GP and discuss antidepressants - I resisted, and now I wouldn''t let you take them away.

Consider counselling. It works for some and not for others.

And most of all, hang on, talk to us, we get it,

And take care of yourself.

You are clearly a kind person that you were prepared to take on your wife''s issues - now apply that kindness to yourself. (Strangely it is harder.)

Keep blogging, alongside us, you will and can survive this.

sc

why me....thas the question we all ask....my parnter had a row over him staying out all night then i got by text he wasnt coming back and over the phone i dont love you...over the past 15 months i have learned that there were many parts to this jigsaw...and tuesday i got my Nisi through....if i can do it you can too stay strong!

PS. replace the furniture asap with things you like. It is all about replacing old mind sets with the new. It may be painful - but it stops it being ''our house'' with things missing and becomes your home. It is up to you to make it so.

Read Paul Mckenna break up book. There are ''tools'' you can use to help yourself. I''ll be honest, some work for me, and some don''t. But even if a couple of the techniques work then that has got to be a good thing.

Remember, just now, it''s about hanging on and taking baby baby steps. I am glad you have god friend around you.

sc

Hi mate,

Have tried to PM but having problems with that function. All I can say is I''m terribly sorry to hear she''s done this - like mine, she didn''t have the guts or decency to end things face to face, or even by telephone. How cheap and spineless.

As I keep telling myself, NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN. You CANNOT allow yourself to be hurt further - and she will if you let her.

I''m a big one to speak, I know, but ENOUGH with her. Let her lie in her own bed - she''s truly not worth you.

John.

My Stbx too was an addict although not alcohol.

So I do understand. I cut contact with my addict too. Don''t hold your breath on rehab either. My Stbx was 2 years into alleged recovery and he lied his way through most of it. I found out after he left me tht his problems were far more extensive than I knew in the marriage. But whatever that''s his issue now. Its sad because us people who looked after addicts (because it is often that way) feel very cheated that we never got much back in return for superhuman efforts to help them. A friend of mine when I told her what I''d put up with and done to help my Stbx addict, she said I deserved a medal for bravery. Often is that way don''t waste any more of your life.

When he had gone properly (I mean sunk iven further into the depths of his addiction) I had to focus on what it was about me that led me into a relationship with someone like that. But I''m 18 months ahead of you, is what I''m trying to say is it does get better,

Writing a letter like that to you was abusive and cruel. She may be in rehab, but she is not anywhere near recovery. People who live a recovery lifestyle don''t behave like that. It can take years, some do well, others never get better. You have had a lucky escape.

Have you tried al anon it''s the relatives support group?

Take care

Hi Bjc. Alcoholism as an illness. Like any addiction. And the addictive element, the drink, is bigger and has a huge draw on them. Once an addict always an addict.

But perhaps what may help you in the future is if you consider if you can have a marriage where 3 people occupy that space? You her and the drink. But there is no shame in not being able to deal with an alcoholic. It gets a grip on that person and wont let them go. Ever. And it will always be there. You will never live a regular life.

Like you said. You have had a lucky escape. Only a year. It could easily have been 20 years. Count your lucky stars. C.

Thank you for all your words of advice, re the addict.
This is the 3rd attempt she is having in rehab, walked after 3 weeks the 1st time, never turned up the second and here we are the 3rd time and just 5 weeks into an 18 week programme. She is at level 9 on the richter scale and often used to sit there looking at her shoulder talking to the ''demon'' so yes she has it bad. Very early days in the programme she is and I have serious doubts as to whether she actually completes it - or walks again. As you say Marshy even if she does go the full 18 weeks that is when the REAL test begins, forever I suppose. Don''t get me wrong, the love I had for her was truly truly unconditional, alcohol or not and I was prepared to continue that help and support, irrespective of how my life was affected by not drinking. Words alone cannot describe how I feel right now but the emotions that are hitting me from all sides are so so mixed. Also on her letter she said she is in the best place in the world for ME. Yeah - ME ! What about me though !! Typical selfish addict behaviour. I can''t see it right now through all this devastation but has she really done me the biggest favour ever ? The temptation to write back and respond is overwhelming - must try and resist though. The next thing I need to communicate is with a divorce.