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5 yrs & worse now! Can''t see the light...

  • homegal
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13 May 12 #330274 by homegal
Topic started by homegal
After my ex moved opp me 2 years ago, it gradually got worse. The fact that he doesn''t pay any maint, will not communicate in any way about children and that I could now see his house every day/my children wandering the streets on they''re own tipped a move 10 miles away. I had kept borrowing to pay the mortgage so downsized but now it''s all going on solicitors as he won''t let me move their schools. I''m travelling 40 miles a day for work & now an extra 16 to schools, the cost & tiredness is completely wearing me out.

But mostly, bitterness/anger has got a hold and I can''t seem to shake it. That i''ve struggled to work/do everything on my own for 5 years without him and he could simply say they can move but will not, and so is costing me all I worked for is making me so angry at him! I had planned a holiday for me & kids but can''t afford it now. He''s always had them 3 days and the magistrate gave him 50/50 (meaning I can not claim CSA now), and wouldn''t let me change schools. I''m appealing but i''m going into debt, not to mention how exhausted I am, and, my Sol said I could still lose!!!

Msgs here do give me hope but I seem to sink back to reality, I''m skint, not sure can do all this driving much more, have put on weight/look 10 yrs older than I am. Life for me is about sharing it with someone, the one I did love is crumbling me and I have no time/energy for any kind of new life. It seems for so long i''ve been saying it will get better but I''ve had enough.

I can''t seem to get strength from the karma thing when what is happening now is so unjust, unfair and wrong.

  • Marshy_
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13 May 12 #330291 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Homegal. Crikey, you are going thru it.

Its tough being a single mum. As thats what you are. But you have an unpaid childminder as that is what he is really. And a sperm donar of course.

In practical terms. For the 50% of the time that he has the kids, could you not get some cleaning work or perhaps bar work? Thing about bar work though is that it not only gives you a bit of extra + tips (which are all cash in hand) it also gives you some kinda social life. Stops you from going mad and you get to speak to adults.

But for now, all you have is all this driving. But can you not get the cost of transport shared? Like you drop them off and he drops them back to you? That would have the travel you need. And its only fair that if he has the kids for 50% of the time that he also shares 50% of the travel as well. You dont have to shoulder all this on yr own.

You could self rep on the divorce and save yrself a packet in sols fee''s. Plenty on this site do it. And its not as hard as you think it is. You dont want to be wasting any more money that you need for your future on this.

Lastly, often there is just a single blocker that stops us moving on with our lives. It could be something simple like the contact you have with him. Or the way you see yr life going or perhaps you have no future.

Very lastly. You are doing a great job. You are a mum which is a very special person and you have kids. Which means you are blessed. Life wont always be like it is right now. But you will be alright. Plenty of mums struggle and they do allright in the end. Just like you will. C.

  • homegal
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13 May 12 #330292 by homegal
Reply from homegal

  • homegal
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13 May 12 #330295 by homegal
Reply from homegal
Thanks C, I really appreciate your reading/helping me....
I did self-rep 1st but he was given 50/50 which he didn''t even ask for, and it appeared magistrates didn''t read my evidence showing history. My now Sol says judges don''t think highly of inexperienced magistrates drafted in to save money... I would hesitate in advising anyone to self-rep. He is awkward beyond believe & even left kiddies one night & went to pub (they came to my house crying), CAFCASS seemed to ignore this - these are the basis for my appeal. Also, for some reason, even thou he has equal nights, they gave me more school pick ups, so I did 3 full days school runs, him 2. Howevev, after first run of 5 days Daughter had with him she now lives with me & refuses to see him, so I do 5 days of journeys now. Fitting my p/t hours around these runs is tricky & the travelling is v.hard. This also leaves me effecively with school holidays to cover her childcare as she wont go to him.
Agree with the pub work, I did get a p/t eve job just to socialise but I''ve given up now as way too tired and have Daughter full time now too (& she''s going through a lot with him now).

As for free childcare, although he still has my Son, he is on the street pretty much all the time (often with Dad in pub - as I said cafcass said no proof & not a strong enough welfare issue!) and thou is 10 now, has done this since 7, he hangs around with the wrong crowd, has little discipline & I worry myself silly that his father figure is giving him no guidance, bless him x

I hate the system, I hate him and I never before used that word, for anyone/any circumstances. xx

thank you again x

  • homegal
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13 May 12 #330297 by homegal
Reply from homegal
Oh, the deal on the driving is I have to drop them to school and pick them up from school, so all costs/driving are on my days. When it''s his turn, the school''s are in his village. This may sound like, well, if the other way round, he''d be doing the same but..... I do 3 runs, the kids would walk to school these days, he would drive 8 miles the other 2.
Currently, as my daughters secondary school is further again from his house, I do 15 miles to get her there and my Son has to go into breakfast club (more £), due to school time differences. We leave at 7.10 the 3 mornings we go to school, the children are worn out. IF the other way around, on 2 mornings they''d leave at 8 with him.
The magistrates simply did not listen or look at anything I had prepared.

K x

  • leftwondering
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13 May 12 #330309 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering

Would it help any to move back to the same village (not opposite his house), or near village?

There has to be a logistical best solution to this.

You are running yourself into the ground here and spending loads of £££s.

This is about YOU and your kids and has F all to do about him, so forget that for a bundle of fun.


  • Mitchum
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13 May 12 #330312 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
It seems to me you''re worn out with coping with too much. LW has made a good case for moving back and only you know whether you could cope with living in the same village. What''s that? You''d rather not live on the same planet? We know that but think of a) the travel time saved b) the fuel savings which would free up cash for other things c) the removal of driving stress with traffic/weather conditions and the general hassle of getting the kids with all their school paraphernalia in the car for 7.10 in the a.m.

I bet you''re exhausted before the day begins.

There are the advantages for the children not having such long school days too.

Is there any help available from family? Shared school runs with other parents? As LW says there has to be a solution to this.

Thinking of you. xx

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