5 months in and hitting the Divorce Fatigue from my sister and MIL!
Isn''t it about time I moved on.
Aaarrgghhh don''t they realise that every one of us would love to move on and feel SANE!
It is not that easy and thank goodness I have you all here who so understand what it feels like to be in this situation.
Well heres to the ''magic wand'' when it does get invented and can just wipe away our tears, vulnerablilty, financial worries, sense of betrayal, heart-ache and insecurities with one little abracadabara!
What gets me is that had this been bereavement no one would be telling you to move on after 5 months.... Well in my view it''s very similar and you can only appreciate that if you''ve been thought it/in the middle of it. People just don''t seem to get it. My mum yesterday said that I was obsessively talking about my situation and wife, as if having it on my mind all the time was somehow wrong... It''s not! It''s perfectly normal and this site proves that.
Ditto to all of the above. My main conversation partners through all of this have been my mum and sister. I started getting the sense that they don''t want to talk about it so much. Like I''m boring them. Like they think I should just "move on." Last night I really needed to talk and both seemed less interested. I know I go over and over the same old sh!t with them...
This is a very important issue because it shows that many of our support systems naturally wane (or we perceive them to) with time. I think that one of the reasons things wane is that people don''t perceive us to be as acutely upset any longer. When we are in the 24/7 crying phase I think it''s easier for them to feel our pain and want to unburden us of it. However, when we''ve moved on from that (and I call my current phase the "zombie phase") I think people''s reaction is less empathic because they react to pain they can literally SEE in others. If they can''t see it, on some level they presume it isn''t there I think.
So...the answer? Cry...ALL THE TIME
But on another note, this may be part of the moving on process too. We are forced by this natural waning on the intensity of support to move on ourselves. A bit like taking of a splint after a long injury.
I miss my wife enormously today. Handed my son over yesterday so we had contact. Sigh..........,
This is one reason why I think wiki is so valuable at the critical point when ''compassion fatigue'' sets in with friends and family at home. They do expect us to be over it and getting on with life. It''s not so much that they don''t sympathise they just don''t really ''get it'' unless they''ve experienced it themselves.
Talking about it over and over is the release mechanism. It''s like when someone''s had major invasive surgery and they talk about their op a lot. People raise their eyebrows when they want to talk about the operation again. It''s the coming to terms with things and part of the recovery process. We ''get it''.
On wiki we are in touch with people who know the pain and can empathise precisely with the stage you''re at; who will listen and listen again if necessary for however long it takes because talking out someone else''s pain helps to dull our own.
I personally think this is worse than a bereavement, because had my STBX died, I could have remembered all our happy years together without all the hurt and pain that his lies, cheating, violence and deceit have caused. If he had passed away, I would have had, all the tea and sympathy in the world, as well as the odd chicken casserole! Instead I keep seeing the corpse of my STBX walking around the streets, still haunting my heart, with his OW and new life in tow, whilst his family are suffering daily just trying to survive this whole process.
If you have to explain divorce to anyone who has not experienced it, they will never understand it. I think we have all had the switch off from friends and family and the ''there''s plenty more fish in the sea'' lectures. (I am seriously so afraid of the sea now it is full of piranahs!).
It boils down to this Gloriasurvive, they just don''t have a Scooby Doo, about what we are going through, even for some of us further along the line than you, I know that people avoid me, as if ''divorce'' was catching, and that is often why they do not want to engage in such doom and gloom, all too afraid of the reality of their own marriages and the fact it could just as easily happen to them!
Keep strong and thank our lucky stars we have Wiki, it keeps us sane and in touch with reality. I am still convinced we will be the better people for having gone to hell and back in divorce, knowing not to make the same mistakes again, ever!
I thin FOS has hit the nail on the head. It is worse than a bereavement. On top of the emotional fall out there is the finacial one too, at least with a bereavement your financial scurity is usually secured.
Also as with regard to moving on even my stbx asked me when I would be meeting someone else as it would make things easier for him and OW to win our kids round if I had someone else.
I don''t think people appreciate the turmoil and anguish a divorce puts you through especially when you were married to a weak person who has affairs.