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Hoping my tunnel has a small light at the end

  • jar of hearts
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20 May 12 #331689 by jar of hearts
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Well I have survived through 20 years of abuse and cruelty as have my children. We survived the times when he refused to leave us alone and tried to bully us into staying. I have been through six days in court and I am now facing the final hearing. I am terrified about it. Having to sit opposite the man that has tortured and controlled me for years and give evidence, is a thought that fills me with dread. I just want to pack a small bag and run into the distance taking the children with me. I know that I have to see this through for their sake and they are behind me 100%. BUT I know that this controlling psychopath is just playing games and is still convinced in his derranged mind that I will cave in and have him back. He has played every dirty trick in the book, cost me tens of thousands (which I don''t have) in legal fees, stolen my possessions, ruined small items left to me by family and now is trying to destroy the sale of the FMH which I have worked so hard to keep on track.

Some of me is angry and I want to reek revenge in some terrible fashion, but the vast majority of me just wants to crawl away and die. And to think I have tried to keep his children positive about rebuilding a relationship with this man when all he tries to do is destroy my life and the lives of our lovely children. I am at the end of my tether in the middle of yet another sleepless night feeling sick and crying a bucket of tears. How do I keep going?

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20 May 12 #331691 by epitome title
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Hi Jar of Hearts

I am sorry you are going through this but you have found Wiki and I can guarantee you will get all the support you need to help you through

I see this is your first post and I always feel that the first reply has so much responsibility to help - I am not sure that I will help but rest assured you are not alone

You have come this far and you have been incredibly strong for your children, try to think past what you have yet to go through and focus on the end result, freedom, self respect, happy children, happy you :)

It will come but in the meantime, post how you are feeling, if you have any questions, blog your thoughts and pop into chat - you are more than welcome here and there are people who are going through similar stages of divorce as you are, there are also people who have come out the other side and stayed here to help the rest of us - make use of them and lean on them if necessary, they are a wonderful bunch of people..

Kind regards
xx

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20 May 12 #331692 by runriarun
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I can appreciate those deep dark moments, the unending stressful moments which stretch, never stopping ,.... But they will! Change!
If you can visualise your deepest darkest moment, put them in a box, visualise how they feel, look like .... Smoothe the edges a little, round them off .... Slot them in .....

There will be peaks, troughs can''t deny it. I am still going through them myself. But taking,crying is a release. tomorrow ''really'' is another day, and the day after ....

See Poem I posted, love after love ...

It is inspiring x

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20 May 12 #331694 by Canuck425
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Sounds awful. Good luck to you. I hope that things will get better for you and you will get through this.

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20 May 12 #331695 by Mitchum
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I too wish to add my welcome and offer my support.

You have been incredibly brave to come so far through a nightmare existence. Now you have reached out to people here you will have the support of wiki friends you didn''t even know you had.

With their support and guidance, your journey will seem less daunting now. Whatever you have to face to get through that tunnel you are no longer facing it alone. You are supported by your children, which is wonderful and will be your driving force. I hope you have family and friends at home to support you too. Focus on the life you could have with them and keep walking.

Ask specific questions for advice on the Forum and you may like to blog your thoughts and fears and people will leave you messages of support.

There is always hope even in the grimmest scenarios and I''m wishing you sunshine and peace when you step out at the end of your tunnel.

Thinking of you xx

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20 May 12 #331700 by yellowrose
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I bid you welcome to this wonderful arena.
You have obviously had an awful time and although you won''t feel it, I sense a strength in you that will get you through this final hurdle.
Wanting to run and hide is the most ''normal'' response in the world but you haven''t done it yet and you won''t in the future. What you will do is exactly what you have been doing for the past 20 years. You will face this challenge head on and at the end of it you will emerge triumphant and stronger still because you ultimately took control
We all have times when we feel we can''t go on but we do.
I wish you the very best of luck
xxxxxxxxx

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20 May 12 #331731 by raybird
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you sound like a very strong lady, stay strong, dont let that horrible man ruin you life anymore xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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