How angry are you?

Anger is a normal, nateral and strong emotion.
But you must deal with your anger in a healthy way.
Anger is fed by feelings of dissapointement, frustration, hurt, rejection, pain, embarrassment, humiliation, fellings of unfairness or other injustices.
It is an alert to let us know something is wrong, it also protects us and gives us a sense of security.

When do you get angry?

What do you do when you are angry and frustrated?

There are negative and positive responses.

What are your triggers to anger?

Anger is a false sense of control.
Anger resolves around pride. When your pride is hurt, you may reach for anger as a sheild to mask your fears or insecurities. That anger shows up as blame, criticising, accusing, rationalising your bad behaviour, making excuses, minimizing your faults or avoiding your responsibilities.

Loneliness can also trigger anger. The more you wallow in your sense of loneliness, the more it festers and turns into self-pity, which then turns into anger. Feelings of inferiority and insecurity accompany the loneliness of divorce and can ferment under bitterness into anger and even rage.

Your children, pets, family members, friends, neighbours, and collegues at work can all be caught in the cross-fire of your anger. When you are angry it radiates into all areas of your life. Everything you have is on the line with your divorce, and if you could lose everything including your children, your job, your friends and your self-respect.

Manage your feelings of anger.

Why are you angry?
Who are you really angry at?
What did they do?
What did I do?
What am I missing here?
Am I trying to control something or someone?
What can I do to make things better?


extract from "a better life after divorce"

Hi Wiser

I, like most people have been angry at times. My anger generally comes from a sense of being treated unfairly, I am lucky in as much as my marriage came to an end, not because of an affair, that I know of, but because we have split up a number of times - getting back together hoping that the promises of change would actually happen and splitting up again when it was clear that that change would not come.

Empty promises from my stbx caused me to be angry at myself, for believing him, for putting my son through it all again (my stbx has never been much of a father to him but treated our daughter well).

I was angry at myself for wasting another 8 years trying to make it work on top of the 17 before I first left.

since leaving for the final time (15 months ago) I have gone through a number of emotions, fear of an unknown future, happiness to have finally made my decision, worry about how to make ends meet, guilt about putting my son through years of not being good enough for my stbx, anger (again, because of facts coming to light about how stbx screwed me over marital assets when we first split up) and now I have moved on to determination to get a fair outcome and the comfort of having representation advising me that I have a good case. The strength I have drawn from that has put me in the driving seat.

I still worry about money - there is way too much month at the end of my money but having had my FDR and now looking at a Final Hearing, I feel like I am on the home stretch - whatever the outcome, I will be divorced by New Year and apart from our daughter''s wedding (she is engaged) I will never have to see him again.

My anger mostly comes from worry and stress but I tend to turn it inward and it appears (i think) more as stress, edgyness, lack of patience - luckily my animals (cat and horses) never see that in me, they calm me, but my son sometimes gets the brunt but he is old enough to tell me how it is so nowadays it doesn''t last long

I am generally a glass half full kind of person (which is probably why I have given him so many chances) but have been close to going under a couple of times over the last year or so but I refuse to allow stbx to be in control of my life anymore, he is done to me, and all that''s left is a court hearing - simples

xx

Wiser

I can''t say that I agree with the extract from the book.

Sure it takes all sorts and we''re all different.

I did have huge amounts of anger at the start, but not anymore. I used it in a positive way to get results and my arse in gear.

Now it''s all water under the bridge!

Anger is a very difficult emotion to deal with. I have had a sense of anger for quite a long time. It affects me more than it should, keeps me awake at night and creeps in when I am looking at the television or reading and so prevents my enjoyment.

I am angry at the unfairness in the way my son has been treated by his ex. He is not bothered now that she was unfaithful to him on at least three occasions. That is water under the bridge and he has moved on from her. He is happy with his kids and just wants more time with them.

After ten years of marriage, she seemed to end up with everything. She was the one who committed adultery but she got the house and all its contents, legal aid, the children and all the benefits she could get her hands on. My son on the other hand, had to fund his divorce from his very average salary. His ex. has had a lot of help from us as a family, including child care which enabled her to work full time and earn a very good salary. She is now living very well whilst my son is struggling to keep his head above water with his bills. That coupled with the lies she tells at each Court appearance has gradually started to wear us down as a family.

None of us seem to have any control of the situation now and that is why the anger is difficult to deal with. There is no way of deflecting it. I don''t want to see my ex dil or speak to her but I have to rise above these feelings because she is the children''s mother and the hand over of the children is at my house. The anger has to be suppressed and I am not convinced that this is the best way of dealing with it.

Anger is destructive? Yes, it could ruin your relationships with your family and friends.
Anger is a waste of time? Yes, after all the best way to spend your life is being happy.
Anger is a very selfish emotion? Yes as it allows us to wallow in self pity.

Am I angry? I sure as hell am.

I have wasted 25 years with a man who didn''t love me in the true sense of the word. He simply needed a pawn to control and play with to fulfill his own slightly twisted needs. He left us and all my children and I felt was relief and we all started to be happy. He came back and with him came the anger and dispair. He refused to leave and had us all terrified and yes you''ve guessed it - angry at the injustice. We went to a refuge and tried to be happy, but he just upped the ante and became further derranged so we headed for the courts to help us, three hearings and he then agreed to leave having racked up huge legal fees for us - more anger as how can a woman with four children and no real income survive. Two years of torture and torment by the legal system and this psychopathic man has left me a lot poorer, stressed beyond belief and, yes, angry.

I am heading this week for a third day of a final hearing to listen to another catalogue of lies and know that I, and my children, are being cheated out of the little that remains after the huge legal bills, and what keeps me going? Anger. It is the only feeling I have left towards this man other than fear and it is certainly the only motivator to keep me going for my children. Do I shout at them unduly sometimes when the anger boils over? I am ashamed to say that I do, although they are old enough to understand that I am not angry at them, just at the hell I am being put through, and the fact that there seems to be no justice out there. Do they get angry? Oh yes, and they spend time plotting horrible ends for their father........BUT....... this will be over very soon and we won''t need the anger to keep us going. We will be able to allow our exhausted minds and bodies to rest and recover, and what then? The happiness that we now have creeping into our lives and lighting our faces can take over. We have all promised to let the anger go that has been so necessary to stop us throwing in the towel, and let ourselves finally be happy a feeling which my teenage children are only now learning about.

Am I angry about the waste of five lives for so many years? I was, but now I can see that the anger was only there to spur me on and stop me from allowing the abuse to continue. Am I angry about the financial dishonesty of my sbtx, who is effectively stealing from his children? Still a little, but I am now allowing myself to think that if the money and possessions are that important to him, let him have them. I have something far more precious - a happy future with the love and support of my children. A hard, poor existence during which I will need to work hard until the day I die, but I can at long last stop being angry and be happy. I think I will feel younger, healthier and more energetic without the anger, but boy have I needed it so far, just to keep me going.

hi! i understand that feeling of banging your head against a brick wall.it seems that nobody cares you want them to see what is really going on but nobody cares.Your journey is nearly over and one thing that has come out of it is that you and your family are strong and there for each other.take care you are not alone.xx