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I''ve done it again

  • tigger64
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27 May 12 #333265 by tigger64
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My stbx left me and my then 8 yr old daughter on Christmas Eve, its been over 2 years, the other woman got pregnant had his son, they are not together she simply dangles him on a string, off/on all the time. He developed a pattern, when it was off he wanted conversations with me,nothing too much trouble, would offer lifts, help move house want to see his daughter whenever he could, then she would need something usually holiday childcare and we would be dumped again he wouldn''t even reply to a text or answer the phone, his attitude would change. I loved/love him very much each and every time she dumped him I would see it as a chance for ''us'' to be a family again - I know stupid, daft I''ve called myself all those things. I decided to try and be strong the ''next'' time but heyho guess what I''m here again!!! I want to run away (he wants me to run away'') How do I get off the rollercoaster, how do I learn to stop loving him and wanting him back. I''ve just been made redundant, have to move yet again, he still hasn''t finalised the divorce settlement, that''s another thing of course, he wants a divorce, doesn''t want to try again and won''t sign the paper!! Emotionally I am raw, don''t know what to do for the best, I can''t see passed the next time she ''dumps'' him.
I did nothing wrong, he had a 2 year affair and I should be well rid of him so why do I feel my life without him is over?

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27 May 12 #333266 by yellowrose
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Oh Tigger your emotion shows through your post. You can''t just stop loving someone when you see your life as integral to theirs. What you can do though is try and look at his behaviour objectively. If your best friend was being treated like this what would your advice to her be. I doubt you would encourage her to let him use her like this and so you need to try to break free from him. Is it really still love that you feel or is it just that you want to be with him because it hurts not to be? From what you describe it sounds like this man is really only interested in himself and whilst you allow him to use you like this he will continue to do so. If he really cared about you he would not have had an affair, would not have left you and would not treat you the way he does. By allowing back into your life all the time you are not allowing yourself to move forward. It won''t be easy - believe me I know first hand but eventually things will start to look brighter and you will be O.K. It will be a roller coaster ride and you will have days where you feel you can''t go on but embrace them and accept that this is ''normal''. No-one can say what is right for you but I do feel that you must start respecting yourself and expect better than you are currently getting. Stay strong.
xxxxxxxxx

  • epitome title
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27 May 12 #333267 by epitome title
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Hi Tigger

what an awful situation and looking in from the outside i would say that he has dented your confidence so much that you understandably feel when he is not with his ow, you have a chance of "happiness" with him again - however happiness comes from a base of trust, and I am guesssing that you wouldn''t trust him as far as you could throw him

Other wiki''s have suggested a no contact rule, I would say that is incredibly hard but I would say give it a go, you have a child with him so complete no contact would be impossible but try and keep any contact solely about your daughter, maybe have the handover through someone else - take back the control hard as it may be, all he is doing is undermining your confidence further so that you will feel your life is empty without him

sounds easy doesn''t it? but give it a go, small chunks at first, give yourself a week without having any contact with him, then two, then three, when you get to I think I have read somewhere, 40 days, you may be able to look back over that timescale and realise you have felt calmer, more confident, able to see a life where you decide how you feel not him

kind regards

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27 May 12 #333270 by pixy
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((())
You can''t turn love on and off like a tap. What you can do is recognise that you are being used and that your love is not being returned. It''s a hard lesson to learn.

You are not alone in experience in this - scroll down the forum and look at the string of messages in response to Sunshine10 headed Distressing Call.

I think many of us have been there. I certainly have and it takes a lot of will power not to get sucked in again. For your own sanity, put him out of your life.

  • tigger64
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27 May 12 #333315 by tigger64
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Thank you all so much. I know he is using me, I pick him up when she dumps him. I think back to the 2 years when he was having the affair and every memory is tarnished with lies. He was such a good man a good father what happens to them? They go on and on about how things were not ''right'' if thats the case why not say so?
You are all right, no contact has been hard because of our daughter and because I didnt want to shut the door, but I must try, he obviously wants me to move away and make his life a bit easier maybe it will be best all round.

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27 May 12 #333320 by epitome title
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Tigger

If you have to move anyway and decide to move away - don''t do it because it is something he may want you to do to make his life easier, do it because you have decided to make a fresh start - it''s about having a new mindset - make your decisions on your terms not his, otherwise you will feel like you are running away - you are not, you are making a decision, for yourself and your daughter, like I said, take back the control and you will then start to look forward not back

Kind regards

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27 May 12 #333324 by tigger64
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I have decided to move but not away, I have just been made redundant, my finances are sh.t, he hasn''t agreed to settlement and in any event I have to wait 5 years for it anyway all tied up in his pension we sold our house 5 years ago and he said we would be better renting for the time being - needless to say all money from house sale has gone!!He is a policeman and has 3 pensions I have none, I get money every month from him - we have 4 kids between us and at the time of the split I had them all with me, gradually they are leaving as they are grown up but I still have our daughter and his daughter living with me, the loss of a salary is huge and I need to move into something smaller. He wanted to know why I cant just move away now instead of waiting, I did want to run away a few months ago, my trouble is that my head is all over the place, one minute I hate him the next I love him I feel like I''m going mad sometimes. I want to make decisions for me but I don''t know how anymore, I used to be so strong, confident now I feel like I''m worthless.
I let him do this to me every time, mis reading the things he does, he mowes the lawn when I''m out, tells me he cares about me, takes plates of dinner from me empties bins and does tip runs???Can it be that he just wants to be nice and if so why does it stop when ''she'' wants him around again?
Move away - felt like the best thing to do but what about our daughter? She wants her daddy even if he doesn''t want her at least not when ''she'' is around.
Sorry I sound desperate don''t I, one of his ''friends'' said I needed to get some ''dignity'' maybe she was right!

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