No Contact

Hello all,

Well, it''s coming up to two weeks since I had any contact with her (can''t contact her in any way as I deleted all her nos) and I unfortunately have to say that I''m missing her more with each passing day, not less. Very early days, I know, but memories that were already photograph-sharp are becoming yet more vivid and frequent. And I can''t stop thinking of her with her new man and all the fun and excitement they must be having. I keep asking myself if she thinks of me or misses me at all and the answer has to be no.

John.

Hi John,
YOu are doing brilliantly! Keep telling yourself that. You are doing the right thing, believe me, as contact with her at this stage will only increase your pain and frustration as you will not get the answers you need or want to hear.
Of course you miss her, and it is completely normal to have images in your head of her with her new fella and that is driving you crazy. It''s difficult but you might want to try deliberately pushing those thoughts out of your head when you feel them encroaching. CHange whatever you are doing at the time that has allowed your mind to wander. If you are at home watching tv, get up, go into the garden, fetch a drink, make a phone call, whatever.If you are at work or driving try to have a conversation or listen to some upbeat music or just busy yourself in some menial task but make yourself reject these thoughts which cause you pain.
Grieving a lost relationship is a long process and there are many bumps along the way. I am 5 months in and still have my moments but I find that little by little my pain is turning into indifference. I still see my ex frequently out and about with the woman he dumped me for (his on/off long term partner)and it does hurt but I have had a lot of support from my friends. I really miss our closeness and our special relationship but I have to refrain from contacting him directly as he is no longer interested in me and I have had to accept that he has lost out and i must try to see that in the long term he has probably done me a favour.
You will probably wish you had someone else to hold to help you get over her, it''s so unfair that she''s loved up and you are alone but believe me it won''t be for ever and you will eventually meet someone who respects and treasures you as she was unable to. Then you may undertand that the one who hurt you wasn''t meant to be the one for you long term.
You''re doing great, keep looking after yourself and you will get through this, I promise. Many (most) people here know what you are going through and will tell you that it does get better.
Lucy x

No contact is not easy. What we are asking you todo is not talk to someone that you have been with, day in day out for years and then just cut them dead in 1 second and forever more forget that they exist. And that part of the overall phase called acceptance is megga hard. So I am not surprised that you are finding it tough. I did find it hard. And the yearning to just pick up that phone was unbearable. But I had to stick with it like you have to. It does get easier. But it takes time. And I did it. Just like everyone else has that has got past this. It was hard. But worth it.

There is a technique (there are lots of these) that helps us reduce our dependence on a person. So try this... Imagine a picture. See it full colour. Now make it black and white. And then shrink it down so you can hardly see it. We are visual beings. We use images when we think of something. If we mess with these images in our head we change our perception of them. Thats the theory of why this technique works.

I have to make an assumption. I know you are making them. But I think my assumption is more sure fired then yours is. I have to assume that that where your ex is, you dont have real time video and audio links and that you are not watching them 24/7. If that is so, and I am right, then how do you know they are having lots of fun with each other? You dont know. Becuase you cant see them. All you have is imagination. So imagine something else. Like he has picked his 9 iron golf club and giving her precious flying ducks the good news. Cos that is more than likely then what you are thinking. But they could be arguing. They could be having doubts about each other. They could have run out of milk. Tea bags. Money. Pasta. Ketchup. Anything could be going pete tong in there lives right now and you would not know.

We all have an imagination. I suspect that we thought that new labour was actually something new. We thought that a coalition was a good thing and cutting spending on the NHS was also a good thing. But we was wrong. What we imagined was good things. And the reality is that we were wrong to imagine those so called good things.

So you cant say that they are having fun. Cos chances are, they aint. And this is the thought I want you to hold onto.

Nothing is ever as it seems. Not all that glitters is gold and not everything (almost nothing) is true. Except for what I and the others on this site tell you cos we are not trying to sell you the big society bollox or tax the rich nonsense. We have no axe to grind and we aint selling you anything except a way out of this for free. C.

Sincere thanks to you both. It''s very early days, and I am glad I can''t contact her now - I know that in my rock-bottom moments I almost certainly would if I could and I don''t want to give her the satisfaction. Actually, what I''m hoping NC will achieve - along with healing me - is a set of unanswered questions on her part: did John meet someone, etc. Also, of course, everyone''s perception of time passes at a different rate - to her a week probably goes by in a day, while to me it''s the reverse. What my treacherous heart still wants but my head dreads is the day she ever gets in touch - as I wouldn''t put it past her - cause I''ve no idea how I''d react to that. John.

I know you are going thru hell right now. But look at it this way. In 2 or so years, you will have a new life. You wont be the same person at all and because of all the soul searching you are doing, you will be a well sorted individual. Yr ex on the other hand could be with this same person and has not gone thru this soul searching exercise that you have. And as a consequence, will be stuck in the same place doing the same things in the same old way. If you are not moving forwards or staying where you are, you are screwed.

You have the upper hand mate. You are paying for this upgrade. Right here right now.

Nothing in life comes easy. The things that have value, you have to pay for. And you will pay. No doubt about that. But you will get ample rewards. Because you will have changed and learned the tough lessons. Just hang on John. Your new life awaits. But you have to earn it. C.

Cheers, mate. Everything you say makes so much sense. I guess I''m still reeling from her loving me one moment, to not, to going off with another bloke and supposedly being in love with him. My head knows fine well that I''m better off without her but as we''ve said before, getting the heart in synch is taking a hell of a lot longer. It''s so easy to convince ourselves that the grass is always greener, that all is utterly rosy and perfect for them - of course it''s not. They''ve supposedly been friends for years; if there was any genuine attraction there they''d have hooked up long ago. Or maybe I''m wrong. Who knows and why should I care?

Hi John.

johnt153 wrote:

why should I care?

True. Why should you care? But you do care right? And to care is normal. You was with her a long time. You married her. You looked after her. Treated her like she should be treated. And what did she do to you? Eggsactly. But bruv, she dont deserve your feelings of love for her. And this what you have to tell yourself. She is not worthy. Or worth a seconds thought.

How do you know she dont love you? It could be she is in denial. Dont underestimate denial. Its a powerful thing. But at the end of the day, it dont matter what she thinks. U should be praying that she stays with him long enough for you to divorce and you get clear. After that, it dont matter what happens to her. Cos you wont be interested. You will be into other things and she wont be in your plans for the future.

Just work on yrself and the images of her. Tell yrself over and over what she did to you and she is not worth it. Doing the work. Putting the hours in is the secret to success in this. Same with anything. You reap what you sew. C.