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still learning to cope

  • dibble35
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02 Jun 12 #334613 by dibble35
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Hi all,
well i havent been on here for so long,now been separated for nearly 2 years,and still feeling like Absolute crap,everyone tells me to stop wasting my life on a loser who has already moved on,wondering if i made a huge mistake moving out with our girls while he stayed in our home and now we are renting,hard not to communicate when there are children involved who still love their Daddy and want to see him,and when he comes to visit i slip back into how it used to be until he goes home to his ''lodger'',think in my heart of hearts i need to divorce him because its so obviously over for him,but not for me,feel like an idiot clinging on to something thats not there after 2 years,stuck in limbo cant go back cant move on.

  • hawaythelads
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02 Jun 12 #334616 by hawaythelads
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2 years is too long.
You do need to divorce him.
You need to secure some money from the marital assets for you and the kids.
You only get one life and you need to put yourself first.
You seriously need to put yourself first you only get one life.You''re more important and deserve better than a bloke who''s living with someone else.
Try and take yourself out the situation and pretend as if you were watching this situation on a TV show.
What would you be saying to the people on the TV??
All the best
Pete x

  • Canuck425
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02 Jun 12 #334617 by Canuck425
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If I''m reading this correctly he''s been with this woman for two years? Then yes, it''s probably time to pull the plug. Limbo can be a very comfortable place but I think moving out of Limbo is pretty necessary in order to have a life.

  • flowerofscotland
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02 Jun 12 #334618 by flowerofscotland
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Hi dibble35,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so stuck. Limbo has set in. You are not quite sure which way to turn.

You have to dig really deep and find a strength that does exist but one you are burying, because you know in your heart of hearts that it is inevitable what will happen. The longer you bury your head in the sand, hoping that things will change, the harder things will be for you and the children in the long run.

Sometimes it takes us so long to play catch up to where ''they'' were at the time of the initial separation, that when the fog starts to life for us, ''we'' are just a major inconvenience to them.

Please do not carry on like this, you owe it to your sanity. Take a deep breath, make some positive changes for you and your family. I know how hard it is coming to terms with things when we have children to consider, but you have to be strong for them, they are what will see you through this process.

It is time to move on and take the new road that lies ahead of you!

Stay strong and remember kind Wiki''s who totally ''get it'' will hold your virtual hand through the process.

Take care for now FoS x

  • dibble35
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02 Jun 12 #334633 by dibble35
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Hi Canuck425,
dont know how long hes been with this current person,marriage broke down as i found out quite by accident he was having an affair,it was a bolt out of the blue for me as i had no idea,tensions in the house became unbearable and i asked him to leave but he wouldnt go,for my own sanity i moved out with our girls,a couple of months on he told me he wasnt seeing his ''friend'' anymore but i should go see a solicitor so we could ''sort things out'',i did go as i was in a zombie like state then,but was advised to let him do all the work regarding a divorce etc as it was him that wanted it not me,and thats how its stayed now for nearly 2 years,a couple of momths ago he told me he was getting a lodger to help him pay the mortgage etc and surprise surprise its a woman and she lives there with him now.Im a lot stronger than i was then,im not afraid to tell him what i think now,being separated is like being in no mans land not married or divorced,i do feel really bitter sometimes that hes free as a bird and im the complete opposite and i did start to drink way too much to blot it all out,still do sometimes,i wish now i had just got the divorce over and done with bcoz even now the thought of it is so hard.

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02 Jun 12 #334635 by dibble35
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Hi Hawaythelads,
yes it is too long.
Re assets,when i moved out he gave me £8000 to use as rent money/deposit etc for a new place to live,was shocked at the time as he was normally very cagey about money,left nearly everything behind apart from the kids stuff and started again with furniture etc,unfortunatly after 12months the landlord took the house back as she wanted to move back in,so we had the trauma of finding somewhere else to live again,its been horrible for the girls as they have had to move twice now,pisses me off he is still in our family home and now so is someone else,its like nothings changed for him,he sees the kids when he wants(i would never use them as bargaining chips)does what he wants,i feel like me instigating divorce would make life even easier for him,suppose i have to do it tho,bit surprised he hasnt as yet.

  • Lostboy67
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02 Jun 12 #334636 by Lostboy67
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Hi Dibble,
For your own wellbeing you need to move the divorce forward. At the moment part of you I suspect still has a hope that things can go back to the way things were. Well two years on is there any sign ?
I am guessing that your s2bx is in no rush, and why should he be, he is sitting pretty in the FMH. You can''t count on him to change the situation so you need to take control yourself.
As you say yourself you are much stronger now, and you have done very well to get this far, but now its time for you to draw on that strength and become proactive with the divorce proeedings. I won''t tell you it will be easy, but essentially since you have been seperated for 2 years the marriage is over so its just down to the paperwork and finances.

LB

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