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still learning to cope

  • DrManhattan1
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02 Jun 12 #334672 by DrManhattan1
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Hi Dibble,

Totally agree with all others comments- really feel for you, as we all do. I''m only 13 months into separation from wife and kids (totally out of the blue after 13 years of marriage), so feel hardly qualified to give advice really.

I''m lucky enough to have a range colleagues who have experienced divorce (from both sides), several times in some cases. Lots of people gave me comforting advice and molly coddled me, which I needed, but one female colleague helped me by giving me a sharp, (but well meant), kick up the bum too. She told me "she''s left you, she doesn''t love you anymore and she''s never coming back- move on and get over it". It was such a shock to the system as everyone else''s advice had been so gentle! The first statement was a fact, the second statement was true because if she loved me she wouldn''t have put me through the weeks of torture that she put me through, and the final statement was the most interesting, because in fact it was in my control too, not just hers- she wasn''t coming back if I didn''t want her to anyway. I used these statements as my "mantra" for several months to remind myself of the real situation. Although uncomfortable, it has definitely helped things sink in through my thick emotional skull, and helped my move on or at least think of moving on.

I''m passing through "no man''s land" at the moment- I realise now that there is no easy answer- it would be just as difficult if she wanted to come back as it is to carry on anew. There is really only one way now, and that''s forward.

I do hope this helps in some small way. You are going to make it you know- there are thousands of people holding your hand through all this. (including all those, like me until recently, that quietly read these stories but haven''t yet registered.)

Take good care- grit your teeth, big hug,

Dr M (Andy!)

  • yellowrose
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04 Jun 12 #335051 by yellowrose
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Agree with all the comments people have made but would just like to make another.

When these things happen to us it is so hard to move on for lots of different reasons but as time passess the reasons become a habit and just like breaking any habit it becomes more difficult the longer it goes on.

You have children who''s needs should be addressed as soon as possible. The fact he has remaine din your home whilst they have had to move twice is something that I think will be very much frowned upon by anyone looking at the facts of the case.

Even if you have trouble putting yourself first, you owe it to your children to put them first.

This is not gong to be easy for you but with the support of the lovely people on here to prop you up in your times of despair, you will be able to sort this and make a life for yourself that you deserve.

Lots of love. xxxxxxxxx

  • dibble35
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04 Jun 12 #335059 by dibble35
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Hi yellowrose,
your right.
I need to ''man up'' and move on,he did 2 years ago and ive gone into some kind of bubble carrying on like it will all be ok again soon and it wont.
The thought of being single again is very scary,and i wonder if i will ever be able to meet anyone else and feel anything at all ever again,bcoz right now i cant think of anything worse.

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04 Jun 12 #335061 by yellowrose
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You''re allowed to be scared - it''s normal. You''re allowed to wonder if you''ll meet anyone else - it''s normal. You''re allowed to feel all of this and anything else that pops into your head - it''s normal.

You don''t need to ''man up'', you just need to care about yourself

You will be O.K.

Lots of love. xxxxxxxxxx

  • dibble35
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04 Jun 12 #335065 by dibble35
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My problem is im in denial and i can see that now,i felt so awful and heartbroken when we first split up,but felt i had to keep it all in so i didnt upset the girls,so i guess i havent really grieved properly for the marriage thats been over for 2 years,to start divorce proceedings is like living through the nitemare all over again and i dont want to go there again,but if i want to go forward i have to.

  • fairylandtime
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04 Jun 12 #335068 by fairylandtime
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Small steps dibble, & it will be one step forward & one step back for a while.

Start by caring for yourself, reward yourself for little steps forward. You have to take off the rose tinted speticles (really really hard I know) but in order to move forward sometimes you have to force yourself.

It was actually one of my kids that brought it home to me, big time ... Whilst just separated child said "whats happening with you & dad?
I know you both love us but you have to do what is right for you mum, you cannot carry on like this as this isn''t right for anyone" - wow Buda like as it were, it was a shot out of the blue moment & really made me move on.

At the end of the , child is right. The atmospher in the huse was terrible, we were in no-mans land with X popping in when felt like it etc etc, I wa exactly where you are now & many a time I had to force myself forward.

It''s been a really hard journey, & long, a painful discovery journey that (hopefully) is comming to its end.

Yours is just beginning, move away from limbo it''s hard but it''s worth it.

JJx

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04 Jun 12 #335080 by dibble35
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Wondering if i can take all the heartache coming my way,main concern is that the girls are ok.Think i will go nuts if i dont get closure.

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