A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Feeling melancholy

  • jslgb
  • jslgb's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
12 Jun 12 #336358 by jslgb
Topic started by jslgb
Every now and then i have one of those moments where i ''mourn'' my marriage. Tonight is one of those times!

It started quite innocently, i was watching music video''s on youtube and one video led to another and before i knew it i was watching a cover of Adele''s ''Someone Like You''. This song was pretty big at the time of the break up and symbolised quite a bit so i''ve avoided it like the plague. I''m one of those people who finds meanings in songs! Anyhoo, it went on from there and one sad song into another and i find myself feeling a little bit more than sad :-(

Me and stbxh dont get on at all now. He''s very nasty and aggressive and we cant agree on anything and just dont communicate unless we have to which in itself is sad. 7 years of happy memories wasted on one wrong decision and an interfering OW who knew he was married (having attended the wedding!!). Its sad how things turn out and how quickly happy memories can be tainted. I imagine in years from now should i settle down with someone new these things wont happen but tonight i just cant seem to get out of that ''funk''.

Do you ever get over your ''first love''?

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336373 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Here is a new song for you to enjoy. I posted some time ago but new people come all the time...



Enjoy, have a laugh. It''s the BEST song on affairs I have ever heard.

  • jslgb
  • jslgb's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336376 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
LOVE IT! Definitely perked me up!!

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336420 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi jslgb.

jslgb wrote:

Do you ever get over your ''first love''?


Yes you can. He will always be yr first love. But if you think of it, there are lots of firsts. Yr first kiss. Yr first ride on a bycycle. The 1st time you perhaps saw your fave film and the effect it had on you. So yr life is full of firsts. And they do not all have the same affect on you. But in time, this love you had, will just be a first. Perhaps like all the other firsts you had. And often, the second is better ;)

But a divorce is a bereivement. It feels like the death of someone and its normal to grieve for that loss like you would if a loved one died. The only exception is that you know that this person has not died. Is walking around breathing the same air as all of us.

Memories can become tainted. Its like you only remember the bad times or the times that you argued. So in a way, yes, they seem tainted. But only by short term memory.

With memories, after a while, the good ones will start to surface. Like a song you hear or perhaps a place you visit. And the taintedness will not affect them so much.

The real problem with a breakup is that we cant unlearn something or forget something that caused us so much pain easily. That is why it sticks in your mind so deeply. But you will learn to live with the pain. And in time, just like a loved ones passing, you will learn to get past it and it wont have the same affect on you as it does now. C.

  • samchik1
  • samchik1's Avatar
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336500 by samchik1
Reply from samchik1
Hi jslgb,

Yes, "triggers" have a habit of unleashing waves of powerful emotion that really hit you hard. In the early days my wife was still living at home, commuting to London to sleep with another guy, talking to him every night, and doing all of this under my nose, knowing how it killed me to be exposed to all that. I remember the agony of those early days...why is she doing this to me? How could she hurt me so much? Am I really so bad that I deserve this? The emotion was so powerful.

At that time I spent many an hour sat in shock on the couch, trying to look after our son. Much of the time I let him amuse himself by watching TV. There were a couple of Moshi Monsters songs he always wanted to watch on loop. Now, whenever I hear those songs it all comes flooding back so powerfully and realistically...it really does put me back a bit some days. It''s like once those negative emotions come back in force they start to dictate the state of play (your cognition and feelings) in your mind for the rest of the day.

In terms of first loves. My wife was not mine. Before her I had a nine year relationship that went from my teens well into my twenties. She was my first love and she also cheated on me (I must attract the wrong women or use the wrong aftershave). I can tell you she means nothing to me now...she''s no more meaningful to me than a book I once read.

  • yellowrose
  • yellowrose's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336528 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
Hi Sam
Your post shows just how far you have come. I can remember the despair of your early posts and I am so glad to see your progress despite the flashbacks.

Marshy - as ever beautiful sentiments

YR xxxxxxx

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11