A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Mon/Fri 9am-6pm       Sat/Sun 2pm-6pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


When the red mist comes down...

  • Dazed
  • Dazed's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
19 Jun 12 #337581 by Dazed
Topic started by Dazed
Hi all,

I''m a pretty long way into my seperation & generally, I am OK. The only times I feel not OK are when I have any kind of contact with the ex or when the red mist comes down...

My red mist is all about thinking too much - about what he did, what he continues to do & the whole unfairness of it all. Then after the red mist comes the bitterness & this is what I am trying to stop. Once I have these thoughts going round & round in my head, I find I get obsessed about things & (cringe) have imaginary discussions where I come out winning, or laughing or cut him/OW down to size.

I know this isn''t healthy & I really do try not to think about this stuff too much but I am sometimes shocked about how quickly I can descend into a negative state caused just by my own thought process.

I think a lot of my frustration is that there are still unfinished financial issues between me & ex & it still feels like he has control in many ways. I am still on the FMH mortgage because he can''t get a remortgage in his own name due to not being able to afford to make up the negative equity & he says he can''t afford to pay the court fees for the divorce because he "isn''t working". He also owes me a few thousand pounds which he is meant to be paying before August.

Fair enough in a normal situation if he has no money but he''s soon off for his 2nd 3 week US golf holiday in 3 months. When I ask him how he can afford it, he says "air miles". I think he forgets I used to go on these holidays with him & I know how much things cost.

He then texts me over the weekend saying he has some post for me & wants to drop it off as he would like to see the cats before he goes on holiday. All this off the back of his grandmothers funeral debacle a couple of weeks ago where he suggested I should attend & "just bite the bullet" about OW being there.

He''s clearly taking the P*ss & this annoys me. I am largely ignoring him but am still feeling irked.

Does anyone have any wise words or strategies to help when the mist comes down & I do too much thinking for my own good?

Dazed. :angry:

  • FizzyFish
  • FizzyFish's Avatar
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
19 Jun 12 #337605 by FizzyFish
Reply from FizzyFish
Hello Dazed. Are you me? Because I''m exactly the same. Four months in and I''m feeling pretty healthy about most things, but sometimes I get an overwhelming urge to strike back, hurt him somehow, verbally mostly (although sometimes I can imagine how a baseball bat could come in very useful). While walking to the office this morning I came up with a whole list of "zingers" that I intend to put in a draft email to use at an appropriate date in the future ... "You want to be friends? Oh, you''ll be top of my list if I ever need a friend who lies to me, cheats on me, betrays me, humiliates and ridicules me. I''ll be straight on to you" ... Etc.

My little zingers may go no further than my draft emails, but I get a small sense of contentment knowing they are there ..

However! I did catch sight of myself when I was in one of the red mists ... the anger, seething fury, was clear on my face (not a great look for a London tube in rush hour). Try doing a great big smile instead, shoulders back, head up, pretend that OW is standing across the road looking at you.

Hope someone else has some good coping stratagies.

  • livinginhope
  • livinginhope's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
19 Jun 12 #337607 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
The only advice I can give is that as soon as the negative thoughts come into your head recognise them for what they are and try and focus on something positive about your life,friends etc.Tell yourself how lucky you are and what a wonderful life you have.I know it''s very difficult to do that but evidently it''s meant to convince the brain to accept it as truth.
Also smiling.singing or dancing can help refocus the mind.Or you could try punching a pillow and screaming to get rid of the tension.
L I H xxxx

  • Gloriasurvive
  • Gloriasurvive's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Jun 12 #337733 by Gloriasurvive
Reply from Gloriasurvive
When ''he who shall not be named'' comes into my head, which is daily, I get so furious that he has spoiled my day! But it is I who thought of him! I start of just thinking or wondering what he is doing, and then it is like a floodgate and all the injustice of it all, his lying and cheating....and we are off again..rant, rant, rant in my head. A chattering monkey...stopping the possible tranquility of the day!
I do hope those who are further along can tell us it gets better and thoughts of them less frequent!

  • afonleas
  • afonleas's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Jun 12 #337759 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Seven momths in and luckily my
Red Mist Days are now getting fewer
but they still appear at times,first comes the anger and rage,then somewhere from my inner being comes some sort of rationality.
I don''t need to feel the anger as he is not feeling it, only i''m getting upset not him.

Why should i allow him to score more points over me by making me feel so bad and upset!!
sure i get upset that my life has turned out this way but that''s life,a constantly changing circle.One thing i really do believe is karma and as dark as my days have been his are to come (what goes around)

At the beginning i felt the 2 emotions
Loved him then Hated him all within 5 mins of each other,now after finding some peace within myself i feel neither i just feel
indifferant towards him,yes he is my daughters father and yes i spent a lifetime with him but no i do not need him to ruin the rest of my life by feeling angry.

I was not the one to have the affair he was so he ultimatly chose which way our lives were going,his one way and mine another so i''m making the most of my life and whoknows what the future brings for any of us!!!
All i know is i do not need that horrible feeling of anger and pain all i need is peace.

luv and cwtchs ...........afon

  • leftwondering
  • leftwondering's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Jun 12 #337770 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Personally I much prefer the mood of disgust and disrepect than the feeling of heartache and pain.
It''s a sign you are getting better, the rose tinted specs are off and their grip on your heart slipping away as you see them for what they are now and not as in the past.

LW

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Jun 12 #337776 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Dazed.

The red mist you call it is just plain old anger. And its normal but unhealthy.

But look at it this way. Say someone robbed you or owed you money. Say a friend borrowed 200 quid off you and say they would pay you back and said they couldnt cos they were skint. And then in the same breath, they said they were going on holiday? So forget husbands and all that stuff. This is what it is. Someone owes you and they have robbed you essentially.

There are a number of ways you could look at this and there are ways to deal with it.

I never lend anything that I cant afford to lose. What I mean by this is... Say I lend a screwdriver to a neighbour. And they dont give me it back. Its just a screwdriver right? No big deal. But 200 quid? I wouldn''t lend it cos its too much and I cant afford to lose it. But say it was a tenner? Fair play. I may be narked about the tenner and I will get over it.

Yr ex owes you. Not just money but lots of things. And the chances are, that you will not get any of it or even some of it back. You just have to find a way of accepting that.

Accepting what has happened is not just about accepting that its over between you. Acceptance is a stage where you kinda write a line in front of all that went before and cast it to one side. Sort of write off everything that has gone before. But this is tough to do. Cos you are narked right? So how do you become un narked or clear the red mist?

What I did when I had to face this was look at loss vs benefits.

So yr ex is gone. What could that mean to you?

* You could find that life is better without him. This is a benefit.
* You will have the bed to yrself and you can watch what you want. No more non stop golf. This is a benefit.
* No more traipsing round a field watchin some sado hitting a little ball with a stick that is the most expensive stick in the world. This is a benefit.
* A life. This is defo a benefit.
* He is someone else''s heartache now. Guess what this is? Yep...

Ok. You can tell I am no fan of golf. They named golf golf cos the name sh!t was already taken. But do you get my drift? How you look at all the positive things that are in your life right now? We forget the good things in our lives cos they dont cause us heartache or pain. But we remember the thorns in our sides cos they hurt.

So...List all the benefits of U not having this sado in yr life right now. Have them on a bit of paper that you keep about yr person. And when you feel narked or angry or misty, whip this bit of paper out and remind yrself of all the benefits of this person not being with you. This is how we educate ourselves that actually.... Our lives are so much frikin better now. And seeing it in black and white helps us reinforce this veiw and will calm you and not worry what he owes you and what he did to you. Cos its all gone now. C.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11