Would like to know the truth

Have been analysing why I can''t seem to progress from the waves of tears that overcome me and I think I know part of the reason. Husband is petitioning on my unreasonable behaviour - I spent too much money - only because he wouldn''t (3 kids)- as I said before it isn''t huge and could have been sorted by remortgaging - that''s what couples who love each other do, isn''t it? Anyway, friends sad, that''s a strange reason to divorce, has he got someone else? I said ''no'', it''s all my fault. However, things are starting to stack up - he doesn''t let his phone out of his sight, deletes messages (I asked him why he had a text at Christmas saying ''Love you'' - he said it was someone messing around. I rang the number and it was a woman.) Heard him on speaker phone with a woman last week (he didn''t know I was there) and the conversation was not one that happens between friend, although difficult to actually know for definite. I confronted him, he said he was ''just flirting'' and didn''t I in the current situation?!I told him I can bareky function at the moment, having lost 2 stone in 3 months and still having to go to work every day. He has convinced me that I am the bad guy and he denies an affair - how can I find out the truth and can anyone bolster me and tell me to sort myself out and get real, if that''s what you think? Have others been through something similar? Is it a pattern? Am I so naive??Sorry if this is long, but I need some advice on how to find out for definite and how to behave with him (he''s still at home). I think I would find it so much easier to cope then. Thank you all so much - this site has been my saviour!

Yes it''s a pattern and yes he is having an affair. He feels guilty and that''s why he blames you.

You don''t need to know any more. Whatever his motive for keeping the affair secret it''s a callous thing to do to anyone let alone your spouse.

You are still in shock - if you can''t eat properly try soup and yogourt.

Explore the site. You will get practical help and lots of emotional support here because we have all been just where you are now. It does get better but only slowly.

((()))

wammcl
This behaviour is typical and blaming you for everything is how he will cope with what he is doing. My stbx told my kids he had been unhappy for years but couldn''t afford to leave. However when OW came on scene he could go then, funny that.

I am not great at expressing things in words but you are not alone and many other wikis will be able to reassure you better than I can. Best of luck.

Hi wammcl,
Well looking at the evidence its certainly begining to stack up. Your husband is displaying the classic signs of trying (not very well) to keep things secret. Phone always locked, sudden fits of txting etc etc.
No doubt when he eventually moves out he will be very fortunate to meet the love of his life a week later...yeah right....
There is little point in questioning him, you are unlikley to get the truth and if you do, well its all going to be your fault anyway, just standard BS for cheaters I am afraid.

Take care
LB

Thanks - thought so x

He is having an affair 100%.
The evil bxstards then work on a sustained campaign of not only lying and cheating they then make out it''s all your fault that the marriage has failed too.Not content with the affair they also seem to actively pursue destroying your self esteem and are quite happy to leave the marriage with you carrying massive guilt that it''s all your fault.
Classic adulteror behaviour it''s a pattern of behaviour.Don''t matter what sex where people live you come on the internet and think feck me this person is telling exactly the same story as happened to me.
It must be hard wired in humans to behave like this when they commit adultery.
I found it amazing when I first started looking on the internet 6 years ago I went on a sight called wifesgone and all the blokes were telling the same story about the behaviour exactly the same.
The mobile phone superglued to em,no sex,the verbal/physical abuse even.The relegation to the sofa and with women they have another bizzarre one of getting you to pay for either a new car or home improvements whilst it''s all in break down mode for the marriage because they will fleece you for that prior to divorce as they''ll be keeping it anyways and all the time you are told it''s your fault your personality failings that have caused it while they are out banging someone else.
No you are not alone.TRUST ME.
All the best
Pete xx
p.s. Even if you do find him out or actually get him to admit it you''ll be astounded when they will do one of two reactions
A)Despite irrefutable evidence still deny it to your face.
b)Be like I''m having an affair when they fold under questioning but then once you know see that as the green light to still carry on doing it blatantly.
The lack of sensitivity knows no bounds.

as everybody has said, you kind of know what you need to know, much more you dont.
His accusation of you are to cover his actions.
Its hard to ignore these, after all we have human immotions, they are complex and affect us inside.
You dont need to know anymore, try to lay it down, also if your getting divorced, dont worry about the facts of how its done, think of it as a mechanism to get you divorced.
I was accused of alsorts in my UB but its all lies, the judge doesnt know that, he just wants it to be good enough to stamp it.

Hard but try to put things to rest.