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When will this end? How much more can he throw?

  • jar of hearts
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22 Jun 12 #338265 by jar of hearts
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My children and I have survived the seperation; having to exist in the same house for months; six months of court hearings over an occupation order; returning to a stinking pit of a house and fixing it up; endless divorce hearings, adjournments, fighting etc and have lived through the final hearing and pitiful judgement; are living through having to move out of our home with nowhere to go and now trying to buy a house inside two weeks. All this whilst we are all recovering from a life of mental and verbal abuse which had spanned my 25 year relationship and for the children their entire lives. I have applied for the Absolute as ex hadn''t done so as agreed in court, and my children have contacted their father whom they haven''t seen since last August and whom they haven''t wanted to see since May 2010, to tell him that they no longer want any contact with him and to leave them alone.

It sounds like a neat end to a long and horrific divorce at long last. No. He is now contacting the school demanding reports, as he is fully entitled to do. Thing is he has had no direct contact with the girls since he walked out in May 2010 and has shown no interest in their schooling at any time since then. He is also demanding to know if the girls are removed from the school at any time, and demanding details of any new school. If I choose to move the children, it won''t be because I am trying to cause trouble it will only be if we have to move further out to be able to afford a house to live in, and so his motive is only to try and find out where we are going to, and try and track down our address.

I have tried to contact my solicitor, who was off sick, and I am hoping she will be better today to advise on what action I need to take to stop this once and for all. This man is a controlling and dangerous bully. who turned my children into nervous, shells with no self confidence who suffer from various stress issues. They are finally turning a corner and returning to some sort of normality, and then this starts. My children have made a brave decision about their own lives and have respectfully asked their so-called father to honour it, which should be no problem as in the two years we have been separated the youngest has had one Christmas card and one birthday card and no other contact whatsoever, the next has had four cards and one e mail, the next has had two cards and a sporadic flurry of e mails, only because her nature is to reply and argue her case, so he sticks in there arguing back until she stops, then no contact for months on end. The eldest has had three cards and a couple of e mails and an offer of a sit down over coffee when he saw her in court one time, despite the fact that she was terrified and crying as he made the offer. That is it, no letters, no presents, no offers of olive branches, no calls just to chat in fact no father child relationship at all. In fact he never had such a relationship and his only real constant contact over years was to visit their bedrooms to tell them off over some small misdemeanor, which usually involved vile belittling language and more often than not a slap or two. I knew little of this until after I had the courage to ask him to leave and then to force the issue in the courts.

This man''s real issue is that he is obsessed with me. We only had children, I feel, because I wanted them and it gave him more leverage to control my life. He bullied and abused me using the girls as weapons and in fact using anything I cared about as a weapon, my parents, my animals, my insecurity was the enabling factor throughout. I can see it all now, and I know that he has no love or emotion over his children other than the fact that they have chosen to live with me and not see him and it has removed yet another layer of his control. I swear that if this man could have lifted one of our family animals (they are rather larger than a bunny rabbit) we would come home to find them boiling in a pan on the stove.

Just when I was rebuilding my life and gaining self confidence, he starts again. I told my solicitor it would happen on the last day of the final hearing, and she felt that he must surely now finally admit that it is over. Sad to say I know the man too well, and I am in the doo dah again along with my kids. They are distraught and can see no way to escape the mans clutches other than praying for his death. It is tearing me apart.

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22 Jun 12 #338283 by Canuck425
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Wow. I have nothing to say that could be helpful or practical. I feel like apologizing for my gender.

I hope you have fantastic support and your girls have at least one positive male influence in their lives!

Take solace in the fact that you''re doing your best for you and your kids.

Good luck and take good care!

  • Gloriasurvive
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22 Jun 12 #338427 by Gloriasurvive
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I''m not much use either, but just want to say there must be something that can be put in place to help you.
Have you been in contact with Women''s Aid? Google it if not. It says domestic violence but it includes emotional abuse. They are fantastically supportive and will have dealt with similar cases of controlling bullies. My friend was supported by them, very switched on. I''m sure on here too someone can advise. Wiki is fantastic.
Big hugs xxx

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