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Thought I was doing so well

  • Action
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24 Jun 12 #338820 by Action
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Just need to offload. Had a great few weeks and have been feeling like I am finally geting through all this c--p. Early this evening a neighbour told me she''d seen my ex with a woman in the village (he lives 25 miles away and had come home to pick up some stuff from FMH). I tried to talk to my son about it and his limited reaction confirms that it was not a business colleague.

I know it is none of my business now we are divorced but it has really set me back that he could bring her so close to my home. I''m also in turmoil wondering if it is the woman that was the catalyst to our marriage breakdown.

How do people cope with these setbacks? Wish I could just brush it off.

  • leftwondering
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24 Jun 12 #338826 by leftwondering
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Hi Action,

Just change the locks!
Easy to do.
Normally just 2 or 4 screws on the edge of the door.
Take it down to B&Q and get one similar.
Cylinder (Yale) locks just as easy.

End of prob.


cheers,

LW

  • soobee
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24 Jun 12 #338828 by soobee
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hi action ...know how u feel been seperated over two years ..i moved out not that i wanted too...but had no choice....he stayed in house with three grown up kids.....house still both of ours at moment....had txt from him about having his girlfreind to stay ...which hes done before ...this kills me as its still my house too...and i hate the thought of her being there esp when i could end up getting the house back.....just coz your no longer with someone it doesnt mean that you no longer feel...or care....big hugs....:(:(:(

  • Marshy_
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24 Jun 12 #338832 by Marshy_
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Hi Action. It goes like this. You will have periods where you think you are doing ok and then wham, you are back where you started. In a day. And it just takes one thing to set you back. The shock and realisation perhaps that it is truly over.

But what can you do about this and these episodes? You need to accept that it truly is over. There is no going back. And I think becuase you were affected by what you found out that in yr heart you have not accepted that it is over.

Gaining acceptance is perhaps the hardest of all phases. Its the place that most people stumble. Including yours truly. Gaining acceptance is just hard work. Lots of effort and lots of talking to yourself.

A good place to start when you have one of these episodes is to whip out your reasons why you are here right now divorced from this person. Reading this list affirms what we know and gradually educates us to the knowledge that actually, we are much better off now.

But dont sweat it Action. Tomorrow is another day and another day to have a good crack at getting this acceptance down pat. Then you wont feel like this and you wont care a flying frick what he is doing and with whom. C.

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24 Jun 12 #338838 by Action
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Thank you all for your answers. I genuinely thought I was at the indifference stage - coped wonderfully at my son''s wedding recently. I don''t want him back and have never felt hatred for a person like a do for him right now. I was caught off guard. I know he''s been dating lots of women but why does he have to parade them round my patch? I so need to house to sell fast, so that I can really move on.

I still can''t imagine being with anyone else (partly because I feel so bitter and twisted) so I think that also hurts, that he can put 32 years of marriage behind him in the blink of an eye.

Hoping it''s a short blip and I can pull myself together in the morning.

  • Dees
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24 Jun 12 #338841 by Dees
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Action, I think if you could cope with your son''s wedding you are doing far better than you think. I read Marshy''s reply and know personallyI need to take it on board, I beat you by a year, 33 years and gone without warning, makes it sound like a competition, I don''t mean it that way at all, empathy is what I mean.

You are doing really well maybe we just need to allow ourselves the chance to now and then not be as strong as we would like to be, we are human after all.

Sometines something stupid takes us right back to the place where we were in love with them - a TV advert, a funny aside by a work colleague, a smell etc etc. I think it is how we recover from the set back which is the real test of how we are doing.

I bet at first these sort of things would set you back a couple of weeks, how is it now in comparison? Can you see tomorrow as a new day where you will feel more positive - I bet you can.

If we just brushed these times off then we would somehow be belittleing all we were in our lives with ''them''. But they have treated us badly, they have treated another human being in a way which is not acceptable and that is where Marshy is so right. We have to be honest, yes there were good times but does that excuse how we were treated, personally I don''t think so in fact it makes it worse.

I guess what I am saying is don''t feel bad about feeling bad, you''re allowed, but don''t let it rule you. You are obviously a very strong person, tomorrow is another day, enjoy it, if not all of it recognise the parts you do, that is progress.

Dees ((()))

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25 Jun 12 #338848 by wmorris2
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leftwondering wrote:

Hi Action,

Just change the locks!
Easy to do.
Normally just 2 or 4 screws on the edge of the door.
Take it down to B&Q and get one similar.
Cylinder (Yale) locks just as easy.

End of prob.


cheers,

LW


Only good advice if the OP owns the house outright or is the only person on the deeds. Otherwise her ex has the right to enter as it''s his house too - Provided he rectifies any mess, otherwise he can be charged for criminal damage.

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